86-year Old Lady's Letter to Bank

[Kat...tis I look closer]

86-year Old Lady's Letter to Bank
> >> Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year
> >> old
> >> woman.

> >> The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the
> >> New
> >> York Times.
> >> Dear Sir:
> >>
> >> I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored
> >> to
> >> pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must
> >> have
> >> elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of
> >> the funds needed to honor it..
> >>
> >> I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
> >> pension,
> >> an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
> >>
> >> You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
> >> also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
> >> caused to your bank.
> >>
> >> My thankfulness springs Reviewom the manner in which this incident has
> >> caused
> >> me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I
> >> personally
> >> answer your telephone calls and letters,
> >> ... when I try to contact you, I am conReviewonted by the impersonal,
> >> overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
> >>
> >> Reviewom now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
> >> person.
> >>
> >>
> >> My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and herempter no longer
> >> be
> >> automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,addressed personally
> >> and
> >> confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
> >>
> >> Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person
> >> to
> >> open such an envelope.
> >>
> >> Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen
> >> employee to complete.
> >>
> >> I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about
> >> him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
> >>
> >> Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
> >> countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
> >> financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
> >> accompanied by documented proof.
> >>
> >> In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN
> >> number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
> >>
> >> I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
> >> modeled
> >> it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account
> >> balance on your phone bank service.
> >>
> >> As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
> >>
> >> Let me level the playing field even further.
> >>
> >>
> >> When you call me, press buttons as follows:
> >>
> >> IMMEDIATELY mpTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
> >>
> >> #1. To make an appointment to see me
> >>
> >> #2. To query a missing payment.
> >>
> >> #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
> >>
> >>
> >> #4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
> >>
> >> #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
> >>
> >> #6.. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
> >>
> >> #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer
> >> is
> >> required.
> >>
> >> Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that
> >> Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
> >>
> >> #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
> >>
> >>
> >> #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
> >>
> >> The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention
> >> of
> >> my automated answering service.
> >>
> >> #10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
> >>
> >> While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting
> >> music
> >> will play for the duration of the call.
> >>
> >> Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
> >> establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
> >>
> >> May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
> >>
> >>
> >> Your Humble Client
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> And remember: Don 't make old People mad.
> >>
> >> We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to
> >> piss
> >> us off.