A large load of jokes.

[Lee333]

Haha. Good jokes. ​

 

[quotemachine]

i lol'd at the first one but the rest suck balls

 

[yahoo answers]

there funny i read em all

 

[........]

Lol, A Large load of jokes..that one made me laugh my head off :

 

[chris m]

I didnt get the jesus one but the rest funny.

 

[Tiffany Jade]

And some shorter ones.


- A Murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed. "Have you any last requests?" asked the Chaplain. "Yes," replied the condemned man. "I’m scared, will you hold my hand?"


- First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.
Funny sense of humour my plumber has.


- I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.
Unfortunately, it’s only for victims.


This one was in my sig for a while:
- I can’t think of anything worse, after a night of drinking, than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they are dead.

 

[koejaumtimmiwmeeh]

Be warned, you might be offended or something... I don't really know, whatev'.
Put 'em in different fonts so it'll be easier to spot them out.


FIRST:
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of Indians attacked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe’s throne.
The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The chief then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The chief soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apparent reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you’d have gotten away!"
The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn’t help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."


SECOND:
Two guys are sitting in a bar when one turns to the other and says "Hey…did you know this is a suicide proof building?"
"Suicide proof building? What the hell are you talking about?"
So the first guy takes him up to the roof and says "Look, I’ll show you." and he steps off the ledge. The first guy looks on in horror as the smiling man drops down, but at the last minute he’s sucked inside a window.
A few minutes later he’s back on the roof. "See? I told ya! The building design has a special updraft built in. Whenever anyone falls or is pushed or anything, they never even reach the ground!" To show what he means, this time he jumps again, but just to be a wise-ass he does a somersault and a swan dive, but sure enough, he gets sucked into the second story window again.
When the elevator opens up and the guy comes back onto the roof, guy number two says "You were right! that’s amazing. Think of all the accidents this could prevent! This system should be on every building in America!"
"You would think that…but so far this is the only building that has it."
"Well I just have to try this!"
"Be my guest. You’re as safe as a kitten with it’s mother."
So the guy steps off, and dozens of people watch in horror as he hits the pavement, falling to his death.
The first guy goes back down to the bar, shaking his head.
"Hey, bartender, gimme another whiskey."
"You know," says the bartender, "you’re a real asshole when you’re drunk, Superman."


THIRD:
A guy’s in a bar when an older guy walks in.
The older guy says to the younger guy, "I fucked your mother."
He goes and sits down, and the younger guy keeps drinking.
A few minutes later, the older guy gets up and says, "Your mother sucked my dick."
The bartender can’t believe it doesn’t get a rise out of the younger guy, but he keeps drinking.
A few minutes later the older guy gets up and says, "I fucked your mother up the ass."
The younger guy says, "Pop, you’re drunk. Go home."


FOURTH:
Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathering them around him, he taught them, saying:
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.
Blessed are the meek.
Blessed are they that mourn.
Blessed are the merciful.
Blessed are they that thirst for justice.
Blessed are you when you are persecuted.
Blessed are you when you suffer.
Be glad and rejoice, for your reward is great in Heaven."
Then Simon Peter said, "Are we supposed to know this?"
And Andrew said, "Do we have to write this down?"
And James said, "Will we have a test on this?"
And Philip said, "Does this count?"
And Bartholomew said, "Do we have to hand this in?"
And John said, "The other disciples didn’t have to do this!"
And Matthew said, "Can I go to the toilet?"
And Judas said, "What does this have to do with real life?"
Then one of the Pharisees who was present asked to see Jesus’ Lesson Plan and enquired of Jesus,
"Where is your anticipatory set and where are your objectives in the cognitive domain?"
And Jesus wept.