A tribute to Tommy Cooper

[Bodyzone21]

My sister passed me these....

A TRIBUTE TO TOMMY COOPER


1.Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least
one of them would have seen it.

2.Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I
couldn't find any.

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled
him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know
you can't, I've cut your arms off".

7.I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving, once and for all, that you can't have your
kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it.

11. Man goes to psychiatrist and says “Doctor I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home” Psychiatrist says: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome”. Man says: “ Is it common?” Psychiatrist replies, "It's not unusual."

12. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed,
is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have
a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then
checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?! " "No, because he's really heavy."

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start!"

14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16. So, I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can
you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your
oyster, go for it.'

17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think its Colin.

18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the
other one off.

20 You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking fine.'
So that was nice.

21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore".

22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 1,826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night.

23.Two goldfish sitting in a tank. One says, "you drive, I'll man
the guns”.