Banking

[Kinomaru]

This is an actual letter sent to the Clydesdale Bank, New Deer Branch.
The Bank thought it amusing enough to publish in
the Buchan Observer, Deeside Piper, Ballater Eagle,
Mearns Leader and The Inverurie Herald.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with
which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my
calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed
between his presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of
course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in
place for eight years. You are to be commended for
seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for
debiting my account with £25 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience I caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial
ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.
No more will our relationship be blighted by these
unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs
in 2004, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and
conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater
compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to
hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following
changes:

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to
your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you
I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded,
faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I,
like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter,
no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by
cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee
of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that
it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to
open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact
Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it
runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her
as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that
all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a
Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your
employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings
with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again,
I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access
my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say,imitation
is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even
further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will
notice, is very much like yours. My Authorised Contact at your bank,
the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any
time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing Buttons
on the phone, he/she will be guide through an extensive set of menus:

1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not
at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a
password to access my computer is required. Password will be
communicated at a later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through
9.
10. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
au