Best Bodywork / Midtown East / An Exercise in Due Diligence

[Dianna]

On one of my midtown recon missions scouting for new or unknown spots, I saw the neon lights for this place in a second floor window and noted it for future research. I let it wait a little longer than my usual waiting period, which customarily runs somewhere between 15 seconds and 24 hours, and then...with nothing else on my agenda for lunch one day earlier this week I stopped in.

What did I find? All in due time, dear reader. All in due time.

Zen and the Art of Erectile Maintenance: The Monger's Bible is a vital resource for any rub junkie, hobbyist or monger. This definitive guidebook was the stuff of rumor and legend for years, an apocryphal item of urban mythology that was said to contain the collective wisdom of generations of degenerates. I never believed such a book even existed, and I openly mocked the men who insisted that it did and that they would find a copy one day and in so doing gain the powers of an ubermonger overnight.

Then, one soggy Sunday afternoon last April, I was poking through cartons of books and vinyl albums at a church basement sale in Hell's Kitchen. The dust and mildew was irritating my sinuses and I was about to leave empty-handed when I pushed aside a stack of damp Life magazines and there it was, staring up at me like the holy grail of perverts. The leather-bound volume was imprinted with the title in gold inlay. The spine was unbroken, the pages unmarred...indeed it looked, ironically, as if it had never been touched by human hands.

It was a magical moment and I plucked it from the disheveled table and looked around furtively. The only other person in the room was an elderly woman with a hacking cough and visible cataracts who sat by the entrance with the cashbox. The sign on the wall listed the prices - hardcovers, 50 cents... I clutched the book greedily and gave her a dollar and stood there an excruciating two more minutes as she carefully counted out fifty cents change in nickels and dimes, each of which she inspected individually with her one good eye.

Since that day I have slowly absorbed the wisdom contained in its pages. The volume has no author attribution, no publishing imprint, no Library of Congress number. Its origins are as mysterious as its contents are magical. Efforts to find a publishing house willing to republish it have thus far been unsuccessful, owing to the nature of the material and the intellectual property rights issues.

As a public service, then, I am presently resigned to reproduce passages from it here in my reviews in pieces small enough to be permissible as "fair use" whatever any future copyright disputes may ultimately reveal or establish regarding the provenance and ownership of the content itself.

The Monger's Bible recommends different tactics, strategy and overall plans of attack for a variety of different types of massage places, independents, strip clubs, brothels, fasthouses and UTR providers' basement rec rooms. The project plans contained within it are remarkably specialized. For example, the section on "Downmarket AMP's" is subdivided according to geography - suburban vs. urban...and then within the urban subset, Chinatown and non-Chinatown. "Best Bodywork" falls into the non-Chinatown, urban Downmarket AMP category...one where I've done quite a bit of independent study myself but still have a lot to learn...

An excerpt from The Monger's Bible: "The Non-Chinatown Urban Downmarket AMP Monger is a seeker of volume, of short, sharp rub-n-tug experiences, paying $30 or $40 house fees and $30 or $40 tips for bad to mediocre experiences in bad to mediocre places from bad to mediocre providers all over midtown several times a week."

"All this activity occurs in the pursuit of one or more goals, the most obvious of which is to achieve orgasms on a routine and regular basis in the same general manner in which any addict seeks his or her 'high.' Another is mileage. This subspecies of monger is known to work a system or program involving repeat visits to providers in the pursuit of increasing levels and types of service – each visit involves pushing the boundaries set in the prior visits and rewarding service improvements with increased tips.”

“The initial research and development stage is vital to this monger sub-species and the first two or three visits will establish the overall viability of a prospect.”

“Best Bodywork” is a a smallish open apartment on the second floor - the sign on the door reads "White Pearl Spa" though the neon in the window says “Best.” The entrance on Lexington Ave is unconcealed and obvious and hence generally indiscreet. It was empty when I walked in and was greeted by Lucy, an average looking Chinese woman in her thirties somewhere (she said she was 32, so figure she's late thirties or early forties...) with a good if unexceptional figure and a decent enough temperament. I took an hour massage.

There's a standup shower in the place that looks fairly clean, though I haven’t gotten up close and personal in it. The place itself is a little worn at the edges though not unclean on its face. The towels seemed clean but they don't have a towel steamer, so that could be an issue…Germophobes need not apply.

The clear issue is privacy - there is one private room labeled "couples room" but then the rest of the place is just divided by short paper walls and curtains. You can hear a belt buckle hit the floor from one end to the other. I recommend asking for that couples room for you and an imaginary friend.

Circling back to the Monger’s Bible, this place fits the bill for a potential mileage-oriented program of repeat visits in that there’s a shower and an opportunity for full privacy in that couples room. On the down side, at 40 for a half hour and 60 for an hour, it’s a little overpriced for a down-market spot. The usual pricing scale for a place like this is 30 for the half, 50 for the hour.

The Monger’s Bible offers the following: “The mileage-seeking monger assesses verbal and non-verbal cues from providers to establish their viability as prospects for development. The likelihood of positive results is reviewed and progress is attempted at new levels of service or activity with increasing tips as a reward.”

"Lucy", an unexceptional but not unattractive Chinese woman has a soft-spoken manner and is reasonably attentive, but there were two immediate service issues. The first was that she was working alone the first time I visited - other providers were scheduled to arrive later - and several other potential customers rang the buzzer while I was there, which led to far too many interruptions.

More importantly, the service itself was lazy and lackluster - the massage was far too soft for my taste and she wasn't able to make it any harder. After the flip, she perked up a little, flipping her bra up for access to her very nice breasts and nibbling at my chest while oiling up my cock and getting the job done. Her tip expectation for the ordinary service was excessive – she wanted 60 which I would not agree to pay…instead I agreed to 40 and then in a moment of personal weakness gave her an extra 10 because she complimented my shoes.

I had the impression that she’d be willing to take things further on successive visits but for me it felt like a dead end – the service was barely adequate and she simply wasn’t willing to put in greater effort for a greater return. The battle was going to be uphill and would probably involve more negotiation than it was worth. The best mileage oriented prospects work on trust – an understanding that service will be rewarded and that negotiation at every pass shouldn’t define the relationship.

A final tip from The Monger’s Bible: “A mileage seeking monger will not reject a spot outright because of success or failure with a single provider. Rules of conduct in down-market spas are rarely rigidly defined. One providers limits and rules will not bind the next, and a smart monger will find his prospect and proceed but when one prospect feels like a dead end the next may be the thoroughbred champion he seeks.”

My first shot here was lackluster and I wouldn’t have bothered going back but at the end I was pressing Lucy for detail about the alleged other girls who she said worked there and she said there was a very pretty girl in her early twenties. Naturally, I bullshitted her a little about how I would come back to see her and not some other girl, but the detail was filed away and I returned looking for young blood a few days later. Unfortunately, I ended up spending another lackluster half hour with Lucy because the other girl was busy. The second time around with Lucy was just as unexceptional, though I found myself instinctively making mileage progress despite knowing the whole session was a dead end…I couldn’t keep my hands out of her pants even though I was no longer especially interested in what I found inside them…

I figured at that point that I was done with the place but then…on the way out the door I met Lily, who definitely does appear to be in her twenties, with a nice little rack and a fresh face. Sigh….I will be back next week to test those waters.

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