Church Ladies With Typewriters

[helpseeker]

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
........................--
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
........................--
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
........................--
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
........................--
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
........................--
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
........................--
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
........................--
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
........................--
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a Reviewiendship that began in their school days.
........................--
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
........................--
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
........................--
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
........................--
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
........................--
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
........................--
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
........................--
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
........................--
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Reviewiday mpternoon.
........................--
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across Reviewom the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
........................--
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall mpter the B. S. Is done.
........................--
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
........................--
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
........................--
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Reviewiday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
........................--
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
........................--
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

 

[Ant]

These were my fave. Thanks for the great joke... made my day a lot better