Comedian Quotes

[Milk Maid]

Dane Cook

When you're not in love, when you don't have love, everybody you know falls in love on like the
same day - even Karen the douche bag falls in love! Even retarded people in your neighborhood are getting married on their front lawn as you drive by, "What? The 'tards just got married on their lawn. That's great! I have nobody, and the 'tards just committed to each other for a lifetime of 'tardiness''

Has anyone here ever been fully engulfed in fire? It's gotta be so hot!


Chris Rock

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

A man is only as faithful as his options.

Don't argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a arguement. It's impossble you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense

 

[hey gemma!]

Richard Pryor, my favorite when I was growing up

*I had to stop drinking, cause I got tired of waking in my car driving 90.

*I'm not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells.

*When I was in Africa, this voice came to me and said, "Richard, what do you see?" I said, "I see all types of people." The voice said, "But do you see any ni**ers?" I said, "No." It said, "Do you know why? 'Cause there aren't any."

*There are only two pieces of pussy you're gonna get in your entire life, that's your first and your last.

*Freebase? What's free about it?!

*Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings... and lawyers.

 

[BVB Chrissy]

My favorite, Woddy Allen on death.

- I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.
- Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
- It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
-Woody Allen on DeathDeath is an acquired trait.
-Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
-Death should not be seen as the end, but as a very effective way to cut down expenses.
-I do not believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
-There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
-It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
-Woody Allen on Death On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
-Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
-If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.
-Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
-He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

 

[Pompal 09.]

And in a similar vein ...
In the best of all possible worlds, the English would be the policemen, the French the chefs, the Germans the engineers, the Swiss the administrators and the Italians the lovers ...
In the worst of all possible worlds, the English would be the chefs, the French the engineers, the Germans the policemen, the Swiss the lovers and the Italians the Administrators.

TA
(with aplogies to my many french, german, swiss and italian friends!)