Genuine Quotes From The British Newspapers

[Dr. Strongrod]

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas
> bill, a spokesman for North Westgas said, "We agree it was rather high for
> the
> time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up
> during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)
>
> #######################################################################
>
> Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami
> in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing
> her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)
>
> #######################################################################
>
> Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,
> because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and
> they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
>
> #######################################################################
>
> A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was
> rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman
> commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
>
> #######################################################################
>
> At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on
> the spot and asked him to estimate the windspeed. He replied he was sorry,
> but he didn't have a guage. However, if it was any help, the wind had just
> blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
>
> #######################################################################
>
> Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience
> with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week
> to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled "He'd
>
> always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in
> the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler."
> (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
>
> #######################################################################
>
>
>
>
> ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS THAT LONDON TUBE DRIVERS HAVE MADE
>
> "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I
> know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be
> married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the
> Westbound
> and go in the opposite direction".
>
>
> ****************************************************************
>
> "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that
> last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time.
> The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford
> and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
>
>
> *****************************************************************
>
> "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a
> security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the
> foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time
> together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a
> wall.....'".
>
>
> *****************************************************************
>
> "We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker
> Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so
> I
> could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".
>
> ***************************************************************>
>
> "Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these
> professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please