God -vs- Satan

[Darin H]

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said "You want hot fudge with that? And Man said "Yes!" And Woman said "I'll have one too with chocolate chips". And so they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.
So God said "Try my fresh green salad". And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them".
And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied "Yes, And super size 'em". And Satan said "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the National Health

 

[Sun Hwa-Kwon]

Hi Celia,
forgive me for asking,,,,,,,,,,,,,do you have a job? It has become a ritual for me to check for your jokes in the morning. much appreciated
regards
BGFL

 

[spartan E]

Celia, they're great! Where do you get them from??! Keep 'em coming...

 

[student]

This is an absolute classic - I'm going to frame it!
Celia, thank you so much for bringing laughter into our lives - it cheers up my day
Caroline

 

[Cecila Steele]

I do a mixture of things which include some days working on the computer from home. I like a leisurely start to the day - get up at 6am to have a coffee...read mail etc etc... and so started finding these jokes from a range of sources (I cant divulge them or I may have to kill you!) and post them on here to cheer people up. I posted some last night cos I knew that I would be in a rush this morning!

Glad you enjoy them, will try to keep them coming.

Celia

PS - am relieved to say that although they may not all be to everyone's taste - I seem to have only offended one person with one of my jokes - phew.... I always find them and copy and paste then have a think about suitability before posting!

 

[That one Dude]

Oh and part two...am not sat here in the forum all day - honest! I use "Morning Coffee" add-on on Firefox and have this as one of my daily pages that opens in the tabs when I first boot up the puter!

 

[Headstrong]

another great one maybe i should put this one on the fridge door