Hospital Jokes

[KadMinaiii]

: Mwa hahahahahaha.

 

[Amelie]

kinda :dontknow: ok I'm done

 

[roflchopter11]

kinda mean.......

 

[rentjunkie]

kinda funny....

 

[wakeuphappy]

kinda scary......

 

[aires69uk OFFICIAL]

kinda weird.......

 

[fhawvepf]

kinda sick........

 

[rdcqplvm]

: kinda corny

 

[I bet i can do it]

lol.............

 

[Tinyjoshua]

::::
​

 

[ninnymuggins]

A Man Walks Into His Doctors Office ... The Doc Says " Sit Down And Get Ahold Of Ur Self ... Ive Got Good News And Bad News " .. The Man Says " Gimmie The Bad News First Doc " The Doc Says " Well .. You Have A Horrible Disease And Ur Going To Die A Horrible Death " The Man Says " Well Whats The Good News Then "


The Doc Says ..... " The Good News Is .. You Know That Pretty Blonde Nurse In The Front Office ? The One With The Big Teets ? ... "yeah" Says The Man ......
"well Im Banging Her ! "

 

[yellowstar171]

ya a simple question turned into an insult AGAIN!

 

[Pompal 09.]

No..Cause yours was gay..

 

[Dr.Jones]

u got the hospital idea from my joke didnt u?

 

[Small Fry]

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the
buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He
goes to the emergency room.

The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see
what I can do."

Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."

The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the
fingers? It's the year 2000. We've got microsurgery and all kinds
of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made
you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

Jon says, "Well, heck, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."

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Last time I was in the hospital, I really enjoyed myself:
Patting the bottoms of the pretty nurses, offering to show
them my circumcision scar, and the like. One nurse finally
had all she could stand of my crude behavior and said, "A
pervert like you should be living in a house of prostitution!"

I grinned at her and said, "Well, it WOULD be cheaper than
here, but I can't get my insurance to pay for it!"

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Bill was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much
of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer
wanted. Dave, the owner, had had about enough and warned
Bill that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he ask Bill for their
best cough syrup. Try as he might Bill could not find the
cough syrup. Remembering Dave's warning he sold the man a
box of laxatives and told him to take it all at once. The
customer did as Bill said and then walked outside and leaned
against a lamp post.

Dave had seen the whole thing and came over to ask Bill what
had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the
cough syrup. I substituted laxatives and told him to take it
all at once," Bill explained.

"Laxatives won't cure a cough!" Dave shouted angrily.

"Sure it will," Bill said, pointing at the man leaning on the
lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

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A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally
decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, laid on the couch, spilled his guts then waited
for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel
better.

The psychiatrist asked him a few questions, took some notes
then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled
look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and
said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very
common among losers."

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Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was
called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain.

The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in
and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?"

A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a
hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom.

A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?"

Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.

In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair
of pliers, a screwdriver, and a hacksaw. The last request got to
Mr. Tuttle. He asked, "What are you doing to my wife?"

"Not a thing," replied old doc Carver. "I can't get my instrument
bag open."

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The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the
things around the house that he used to do. When the
examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it.
Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just
lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can
tell my wife."

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A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.

Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from
some post operation shock, spoke to the doctor about it.

"Don't worry about a thing, nurse," the doctor assured her.
"He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through
the operation we ran out of anesthetic."

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Mr. Smith was in his hospital bed and had been getting many
tests done. A nurse came in and stated, "I have bad news
and good news. Which do you want first?"

Mr. Smith: "Tell me the bad news first."

Nurse: " The bad news is that your HMO refuses to pay for
you to have an enema. But, the good news is that your doctor
will be in shortly to slap the crap out of you."

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The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving
to a new office, and his staff was helping
transport many of the items. I sat the display
skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm
across the back of my seat.

I hadn't considered the drive across town. At
one traffic light, the stares of the people
in the car beside me became obvious, and I
looked across and explained, "I'm delivering
him to my doctor's office."

The other driver leaned out of his window.
"I hate to tell you, man," he said, "but
I think it's too late!"

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During my surgical residency I was called out of
a sound sleep to the emergency room. Unshaven
and with tousled hair, I showed up with an equally
unpresentable medical student. In the ER we
encountered the on-call medical resident and his
student, both neatly attired in clean white lab coats.

The resident said to his student, "You can always
tell the surgeons by their absolute disregard
for appearance."

Two evenings later, I was at a banquet when
called to the ER to suture a minor laceration.

I was stitching away -- wearing a tuxedo -- when I
encountered that same medical resident. He looked
at me, then said to his student, "Sure is sensitive
to criticism, isn't he?"

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A man was experiencing chronic infections so he took his urologist's advice and entered the hospital for a routine circumcision. When he came to, he was perturbed to see a large group of doctors standing around his hospital
bed.
"What's up doc?" he asked nervously.
"Uh, well...there's been a bit of a mix-up," admitted his surgeon. "I'm afraid that instead of a circumcision, we performed a *** change operation on you. You now have a very nice vagina instead of a penis."
"What!" gasped the patient. "You mean I'll never experience another erection?"
"Oh, I'm sure you will, reassured the doctor, "Only it'll be somebody else's!"

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A big shot business man had to spend a couple of
days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the
nurses because he bossed them around just like he
did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted
to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to
him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to
take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled
down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading,
I cannot use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually
he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the
nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I
have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I
get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed
under his breath as he heard people walking past his door
laughing.

After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't
you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed, "Well, no. I guess I
haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."

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There was a very unusual hospital where one of the main
treatments was that the nurses would take the male patients
home and sleep with them.

But there was one patient, no one wanted to take him home.
He was a small man, and he had tattooed on his penis the word
SHORTY. Well, finally one nurse feels sorry for him and takes
him home and sleeps with him. She comes back to work the next
day smiling. The other nurses ask what she could possibly be so
happy about after sleeping with a guy with SHORTY written on his penis.

"Yes," replies the nurse, "but when he becomes aroused, it says,
SHORTY'S RESTAURANT AND PIZZERIA."
"Wow!" they say.
"ORDERS TO TAKE OUT," she continues. "ALL BAKING DONE ON
PREMISES...ESTABLISHED 1922...PARTIES ARE OUR SPECIALTY."

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