How Do You Deal With Loss?

[Hyacinth]

Ok, I usually don't open up like this, especially on the boards, but the most of the obligatory FB good wishes are bringing me little comfort. massageplanet likes to see itself as a community, and we all come from different walks of life, are of different ages, different cultures and sub-cultures. So to you, I'll throw this out:

Yesterday, my father called and told me my great aunt died. I liked her, but as she lived in Poland, her passing has a very small effect on my life per se. I'd have liked to see her again on my next trip, however. She'd visit us here every few years when I was younger, and was a sweet, good woman.

Now my father called me today with even worse news: My grandfather is dying. I truly don't know how to deal with that. It was because of him that we were able to come to Canada. I spent most of my childhood summers at his country house (translation for you Torontonians: Cottage). He was the patriarch of the family and a strong, solid, good man. He is an icon in the classical music community and was very active in our ethnic community in Montreal. He has been to more places in the world than I will ever go. To this day, although retired for already 23 years, he still sends money back to his sisters, brothers, nieces, and nephews in the fatherland. He is my closest relative, and I see a lot of him in myself, or at least I'd like to.

Now he's dying. Kidney failure. The doctors give him a week or so on the outside. He's immensely resilient, so it's hard to tell. I don't know any more than that, but I know I'm losing the most important person in my life.

How would you deal with impending loss such as this? I usually have the answers, but here, I find myself...lost.

 

[Mommy to be - May 16]

At this time you should be as physically and emotionally close to him as possible.

This will give him immense comfort and will help you deal with the impending loss which is at this point inevitable.

Unfortunately this is all part of the cycle of life and although the sense of loss seems unbearable you will adapt over time.

 

[wishmaker88]

.

If possible be with him as much as possible . The greatest comfort I received was knowing that a loved one new she was deeply loved up to the time of her death and I with some dear friends were with her as she lapsed into coma and died . She was never alone for the last week of her life . No regrets . All that had to be said was said .

You can't stop death but you can make it less painful for a loved one if given the blessing of being with them in their final hours so they are not alone . If you deeply love someone all that matters is being physically close to them so they feel your support and can sense your feelings . Not just hollow words but your physical presence . Thank God I learned the importance of being there and I draw comfort from being the driving force in making her passing the best it could be . If you can do this then as the years pass by and you think back about how you miss this person then sorrow gives way to thankfulness that you helped give them the best passing that one can expect in this life .

Time reduces the heartache but that time is much less when there is a satisfaction that you helped them when they needed it most .

 

[TheMadProfessor]

So sorry....these are the hardest times of life.

I'm not sure but it doesn't sound like you currently live near your grandfather, but I would urge you to do whatever you can to see him. Tell him everything you can think of that you'd ever want to tell him, and believe that he heard you no matter his condition, because he will.

One of your parents is about to lose their father...they may need your help, both practical and otherwise. If there are arrangements to be made, try to get as much of that done ahead-of-time as possible.

You will not in fact stop breathing from the grief, but you'll think you're going to. It will ebb and flow, you can't stop it or deny it, so try to just let it wash over you and feel it and know that you won't feel that sad forever.

 

[Gazelle]

You remember that we all must pass. But the ones we love live on, inside of us.

 

[matthewfein]

Dream

All I can tell you is this, when it happened to me, I sat by his bedside for a week. I talked to him when I could and helped him if I could. It only figures that I wasn't there when he died, the only day I needed to be somewhere else.

I have since had the sad opportunity to compare my situation with that of a very close friend who never got the chance to say goodbye and who (with drink) blames himself for not being there.

I have held this man like a father would hold his son while he cried.

I guess what I am saying is that you need to do what's right for you...... your grandfather will follow his own path that you have no control over.

Just be able to hold your head high at the end and know you did all you can.

 

[Display]

Many good advice from the above posters. My condolences, Dream.

 

[Tomb Raider]

What he said....let him know how much he means to you and how you've influenced your life. But ignore the "as much as possible". If he's that important to you it IS possible.

This reminds me of an ex gf whose father was dying of lung cancer. She only had 5 vacation days left so was "saving" them for after he died to spend with her mother. I said "wtf are you thinking? go NOW, be with HIM before he goes" F the vacation days afterwards, take days off without pay if you have to but go NOW.....

 

[Pompal 09.]

Do as others have said.

No doubt, you will see him as much as you can before his final moment.

Live like he did and be as good a man as he was. You are his legacy.

Material things that are left behind or inherited are worth nothing compared to what you learned from him or what he taught or did to set an example.

(I've been to more funerals than Tony Soprano in this past year. Such is life with the older generation around).

 

[ginger91]

Its never easy Dream but as most have said. Sometimes it's best if they leave us specially when they are going through pain.

 

[drip]

He had a full and great life, he'll live on in the memory of people who knew him. You have the opportunity to tell him how much you love him, that's something many people regret not doing in their lives.

Maybe you could do something to celebrate and acknowledge his legacy even while he's alive, perhaps plant a tree or donate money to his favourite cause.

 

[missundertaker]

If he has done good most of his life just mean his number came up and enjoy every last minute with him. Via phone email etc.

 

[Eiginh]

Lagavulin thanks for sharing this with us. Condolences for your loved ones not an easy thing to go through. Happy for you that you are now on the right track. I think Dream will now understand more of what he will be going through.

 

[LenaLumpLump]

Lagavulin you have accepted that the pain stays with you everyday. Do you still drink heavily daily. Dream be strong, it won't be an easy ride but as some have said maybe for the best..

 

[?LFC? ?Torres Torres?]

Dream, it's sad but do as other have said if you can be with him as much as possible. I've lived similar situation when my grandmother passsed away some years ago and when we had the info that she wouldn't be with us anymore in a matter of days I went see her and I really didn't know what to say to her so I started to describe to her how beautiful sunny day was outside that room without know if she was listening to me once she was on intensive treatment. Three days later I went pay her a visit again and when I started talk to her she smiled and asked me if it was a beautiful day outside; she passed away two days later but that smile worth to me more than any word or all sacrifice that I did to be with her.

 

[alexxandra]

My wife died 5 years ago and can relate with Lag. Been drinking heavy ever since but only after work as have 2 kids to take care of. Dream, good luck.

 

[Remkade]

Thank you all for the kind thoughts and words of wisdom. I am currently on the train and will be arriving in Montreal this afternoon. I plan on spending every minute I can with him.

Spider Robinson, a favourite author of mine, was right: Shared pain is halved.

 

[Yokune Ruko]

Dream a very wise decision on your part and one that you will not regret.

I believe you made all of us think a little bit.

 

[tosh2790]

Sadly so.

 

[64224mah]

You have started the process admirably by paying hommage to your grand-father. What more comfort could you provide him than by saying, "He's the most important person in your life, and that you see many of his qualities in yourself." You've learned well haven't you.

If I may be so bold, don't mourn the loss but celebrate the magical life he had and legacy left. Shed your tears as often as needed and in private when possible. Embrace the fact there is a new journey for him and you, and remember that he will be the voice of reason as your angel.

If he's coherent and able fondly reminisce about days of old and let him know that you will carry forward and enjoy everyday to the fullest. Encourage your relatives to see the blessing of no more suffering, and again reminisce about the legacy being left.

When you arrive at the hospital, make sure that you and your family see a social worker that will be able to provide a checklist of what needs to be done, and a list of agencies that can help with grief counselling. http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

It's such a stressful time, try hard not to have conflict amongst relatives and communicate often. You may not want to eat or sleep, and it's not going to help. Eat like a diabetic, small meals, healthy snacks, 5/6 times a day and stay hydrated. Avoid alcohol, keep your head clear.

You may want to consider writing his eulogy and/or obituary to express the love and respect that you have for him. Understand that it will be a year of firsts, you'll struggle through them, and you'll get through them.
http://www.deces.info.gouv.qc.ca/en/index.asp

Having been in your position, if I can provide any further information to you, don't hesitate to contact me.
http://www.massageplanet.com/rboard/showthread.php?5200-Remembering-a-loved-one

Remember, your Grand-Father will suffer no-longer and be at peace. You have been a wonderful grandson to him.