How to give a cat a pill!

[Anna :)]

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cats mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand as cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from back of the sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw away soggy pill.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front paws and rear paws, ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cats throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.Carefully sweep shattered ornaments from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill on end of drinking straw. Force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check the label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink beer to take taste away. Apply band aid to spouses forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbours shed. Drink another beer then get another pill . Place cat in cupboard and close door on neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon and flick pill down with an elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Drink large tumbler of whisky to take away pain, Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to get the bloody cat from the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into the fence while swerving to avoid the cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little *******s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, and find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, pry cats mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture store on way home to order new table.. Arrange for R.S.P.C.A. to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give a dog a pill:

1. Wrap it in bacon.

 

[Mugwumps]

That is just so funny - thank you, I haven't laughed so much in ages!

 

[treweril]

1 Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2 Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut door.
3 Open door and remove cat from closet.
4 Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5 Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6 Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc. . .
7 Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
8 Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit and collect string.
9 Remove present from bag.
10 Remove cat from bag.
11 Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
12 Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
13 Try and smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat.
14 Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight.
15 Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors, and tore the paper.
16 Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting cat in the bag the present came in.
17 Place present on paper.
18 Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don't reach. Realize cat is between present and paper. Remove cat.
19 Place object on paper, to hold in place while tearing transparent sticky tape.
20 Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
21 Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.
22 Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve ribbon.
23 Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
24 Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to cat's enthusiastic ribbon chase.
25 Repeat steps 13-20 until you reach last sheet of paper.
26 Decide to skip steps 13-17 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right size for sheet of paper.
27 Put present in box, and tie down with string.
28 Remove string, open box and remove cat.
29 Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for locked room.
30 Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to relay out paper and materials.
31 Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close and relock.
32 Repeat previous step as often as is necessary (until you can hear cat from outside door)
33 Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult in the small area of the toilet, but do your best)
34 Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door go out and hunt through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper. Remember that you haven't got any left because cat helped with this last year as well.
35 Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on toilet and try to make torn sheet of paper look presentable.
36 Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with sticky tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst areas.
37 Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on completing a difficult job.
38 Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
39 Spend 15 minutes looking for cat until coming to obvious conclusion.
40 Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
41 Go to store and buy a gift bag

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