Joke of the day

[sk1ppy]

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant.
So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.
The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.
The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.
Doctor: What was the problem?
Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing.
My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing.
Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.
Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!
Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

 

[Raptor Jesus]

[video]http://www.videobash.com/video_show/if-you-needed-to-borrow-a-pillow-you-should-have-just-asked-35129[/video]

 

[Sonal]

Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes To bed in his Bud Light stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea.. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"​

 

[Blinkie]

I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother. (Henny Youngman)​

 

[nOnAME_MAN]

I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for member. (Groucho Marx)​

 

[kisses]

Murphy's Law in Sex
1.The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2.Nothing improves with age.

3.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

4.Sex has no calories.

5.Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6.There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7.Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

8.No sex with anyone in the same office.

9.Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10.A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11.If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12.Virginity can be cured.

13.When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

 

[Urbano S]

Once upon a time there was a horse and a chicken who were good friends. They lived on a farmyard with lots of other animals and were very happy. One day, while they were playing near the farm's pond, the horse stepped into a hole of quicksand. The horse rapidly sank and was yelling for his friend, the chicken, to save him. The chicken thought for a minute, then ran back to the farmhouse, and jumped into the farmer's 735csi BMW. Luckily, the keys were in the ignition, and the chicken managed to start the car, and put it in gear. It raced over to the sinkhole, where the horse had almost disappeared by now.

The smart chicken tied a rope around the back of the BMW and threw the other end around the front legs of the horse. The chicken hopped back in the driver's seat and stepped on the gas. Ever so slowly, the horse eased out of the quicksand and jumped to safety. The horse, still on shaky legs, stuttered: "You just saved my life. Thank you!" The chicken just said, "Don't mention it - That's what friends are for!" They returned the BMW and went out to dinner together in the barn yard.


A few days later, the horse got up from a good night's rest, and heard some muffled cries for help coming from the backyard. The horse followed the sounds and came upon a terrible scene. There was his best friend, the chicken, stuck in a hole of quicksand! The sand was already up to its neck-feathers and the cries for help had almost stopped. The horse took a quick look around: No rope in sight and the farmer had gone to town with his BMW. What to do? The horse took a deep breath and spread his body and legs out over the hole. His flaccid penis was dangling down right above the poor chicken.

"Here, my friend, grab my cock and I will pull you to safety!" With its last bit of energy, the chicken grabbed a hold of the big flare and the horse straightened its body, pulling the chicken from its trap. With one big step, both were on solid ground and safe. The chicken slumped down on the ground, exhausted: "Now you saved my life, my friend!" The horse just smiled.


And what is the moral of this story? ... If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
​

 

[xoxoDLxoxo]

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said, " So why are you here ? "

The Black Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The Yellow Lab said, " So what’s the vet going to do ? "

" Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the Black Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked " why are you here ? "

The Black Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."

" So what are they going to do to you ? " the Yellow Lab inquired.

" Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here ? "

" I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see."

Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, " So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"

The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped ! "​

 

[Pompal 09.]

Little boy came downstair's and sat at the table ready for breakfast. The mother ask, did you get yur chore's done yet? He told her no, so mom said no breakfast until there done. The boy got up and went outside mumbleing and ticked off, so the mom watched out the window to make sure he did them. He walked to the chicken house and was throwing the feed on the ground and hauled of and kicked one of the chicken's as he was leaving. He then went to the pig pen and after feeding, hauled off and kicked one of the pig's.

He then went to get the cow out of the pasture and as he was taking her to the barn to milk, he hauled off and kicked her too. The mom was watching it all out the kitchen window. When the boy came back in, the mom sit a bowl of dry cereal in front of him, explaining she saw everything he done. You kicked the chicken, the pig, and the cow, so you get no egg's, no bacon, and no milk for your cereal for the next two week's as punishment for kicking the animal's.

Just at that time, the dad came down the stair's and when he got to the bottom, he hauled off and booted the cat across the room. The little boy looked up at his mom and said, well, are you going to tell him or am I.​

 

[Sylar- Goodbye for now.]

"If my dog had your face, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards." -Maxwell Q Klinger, M*A*S*H

 

[sublimebch]

There was this guy rushing back from the golf course; he just managed to catch the bus .
Panting and gasping he managed to find the only seat next to a pretty young lady.

As soon as he regained his breath, he realised the lady was staring at the bulge in his pants.
Embaressed he said spluttered;----ggolf bballs!!

The pretty little thing giggled and inquired; are they as painful as my tenis elbow?​

 

[I FANCY YOU :) and VOTTO]

Three women die together in an accident

And go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says,


'We only have one rule here
in heaven:


Don't step on the
ducks!'



So they enter heaven, and sure enough,


There are ducks all over the
place.

It is almost impossible not
to step on a duck,

And although they try their
best to avoid them,

The first woman accidentally
steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them
together and says,

'Your punishment for stepping
on a duck is to


Spend eternity chained to
this ugly man!'


The next day,

The second woman steps
accidentally on a duck

And along comes St. Peter,

Who doesn't miss a thing.

With him is another extremely
ugly man.


He chains them together

With the same admonishment as
for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and,

Not wanting to be chained
For all eternity to an ugly
man, is very,


VERY careful where she
steps.


She manages to go months
Without stepping on any
ducks,


But


One day St.Peter comes up to
her


With the most handsome man
she has ever laid eyes on


.... Very tall, long
eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.



The happy woman says,


'I wonder what I did to
deserve being


Chained to you for all of
eternity?'



The guy says,

'I don't know about you,


But I stepped on a

Duck.
.

 

[joe.attaboy]

The elderly couple Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?' Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.' Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, ' Notice anything different NOW?' Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?' 'Nope', she replied..'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'




Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

 

[Sonia]

I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.

One of the questions was:
"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

"Fuckin' large ones" was apparently the wrong answer

 

[CARNAGE *Anti-YOU]

A man and his wife enter a bar. They sit down at the bar and order a couple drinks.

The wife notices another man staring at her. Her husband then stands up and excuses himself to the bathroom. The man who had been staring at the woman walks over and whispers in her ear.

"I want to lick your nipples, and then I want to squeeze your ass, and finally, I want to fill your pussy up with tequila and drink it out."

Amazed, the woman says nothing. The man walks away. The womans husband comes back a minute or two later. The woman turns to her husband and says, "That man over there said he wants to lick my nipples."

Pissed, the man stands up and says, "What else did he say?"

"He also said he wants to squeeze my ass."

"Thats it, Im kicking his ass."

"Wait, he also told me he wants to fill my pussy up with tequila, and drink it all out." After hearing this, the man abruptly sits down.

"What are you doing? Arent you going to kick his ass?" The woman says to her husband. He replies with, "What are you crazy?? Im not fighting a man who can drink that much tequila."

 

[Rosemarie K]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesnt have much luck until, one day he comes across a Harley with a For Sale sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, its quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike
is outside and its going to rain,rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."

"When we eat dinner, we dont talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs,in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches
over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and has sex with her, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "Shes got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs
the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right,
thats enough, Ill do the damn dishes!"

 

[Nikky]

There is a medical distinction, weve all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys,smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "Youre next, Chubby."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

 

[katlvr125]

An 80 year old woman goes to the doctor. "My husband wants me to look 19 down there again; is there anything you can do?"

The doctor says, "Well, let's have a look. I'm sure I can fix that."

So the old lady goes in for the surgery and wakes up the next day to find three roses on her pillow. "Who are these from?" she asks the nurse.

The nurse says, "The first one is from the doctor. He says, 'Congratulations, the surgery went well and everything looks good.' The second one is from your husband, he can't wait for you to come home. And the third one is from Ernie in the burn unit. He says thanks for the new ears."

 

[jenineschatz]

After sleeping for about an hour, the wife awoke without a trace of illness and, as it was only a little after nine o’ clock, she decided to go to the party. Knowing what costume her husband was wearing, and also knowing that he didn’t know what costume she was wearing, she decided to slip into the party to observe how he behaved when she wasn’t around.

This she did, and as soon as she arrived the first one she spotted was her husband, prancing around on the dance floor with one slick chick and then another. So the wife slid up to him. Being a rather seductive woman herself, her husband left his dance partner standing, and devoted his attention to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, and when he whispered a little proposition in her ear, she agreed, and they went to his car in the parking lot and let nature take its course.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation her husband would give her about his evening. He arrived home around 1:30 a.m., and went directly up to the bedroom to see how his wife was feeling. She was sitting up in bed reading, and asked, “Did you have a good time?”

The husband said, “Well, I’ll tell you, I never danced a dance. When I got there Pete Jones, Bill Brown and some other guys were stag, too, so we just sat back in the den playing poker all night. But I’ll tell you one thing, the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a good time!”

 

[nadia ? ...xx]

A certain married couple had a very healthy sex life. They had sex everyday; in the shower, on the kitchen counter, everywhere imaginable. In fact the wife was somewhat of a nymphomaniac.
One day the husband announced that he would be going on a week-long business trip. Deciding that she couldn't go the week without sex she decided to visit a sex shop after she dropped him off at the airport. She was looking at the selections of dildo's and could not find what she was looking for. She asked the man at the counter if he had anything really special. The man hesistated, looked around the shop, and took a deep breath, "I really shouldn't be showing you this, but you look like a very special lady." He took an old looking wooden box out from under the counter and removed the lid. As the woman looked inside she announced that it was just like any other in the store. The man said, "Ah, but you see, it most certainly is not! It is the voodoo penis and all you have to do is say "voodoo penis" and then where ever you want it to go." The man decided to demonstrate the powers of the "voodoo penis". He commanded, "VOODOO PENIS, THE DOOR!" The dildo rose from the box and began its work on the door. The door began to buckle and sway. Splinters of wood flew around the room. The man yelled, "Voodoo Penis, return to the box!" The woman was so impressed with it she bought it right away and took it straight home.
The woman, excited to try it, undressed and commanded, "Voodoo Penis my crotch!" The penis went straight to pumping. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she decided that it was enough, only she had forgotten how to return it to the box. After tugging for what seemed like hours, she decided to drive to the hospital for help.
She put her clothes back on and began to drive, quivering with each thrust of the dildo. After one intense orgasm she swerved all over the road. A policeman ,seeing this, pulled her over, and asked her if she had had something to drink.
She replied that she had a voodoo penis stuck in her crotch and it would not stop screwing her. The policeman smiled and in an arrogant tone of voice said, "Voodoo Penis, My ASS!"