M.O.A.T.R. - The Half-ton Clown Car Tour: Kamur

[Joe E]

The Half-Ton Clown Car Tour

Saturday night, August 27, 2006

What do you get when you mix three really smart, humorous and motivated Southern boys with a few warmup shots of Maker’s Mark and a blind tour guide?

Well sir, if their combined weight equals a thousand pounds of exhuberant monger and if that half ton of hustle and muscle gets jammed into a Hyundai taxicab, you’ve got the Half Ton Clown Car Tour.

Start the calliope.

Stop One. Bar Idem. Interesting mix of talent. We encounter DG who is on a mission to teach the ladies how to improve their oral skills. None of the tour members want to partae, so it’s on to Kamur.

I’m going to be very careful here. First of all, it was a great pleasure to meet John, who generously gifted me with a private $10.00 dance. Forgive me if I forget the dancer’s name; I was intoxicootied. John impressed me as a good guy. The club was hopping and the newbie Kentuckians were very impressed by the talent, as was BKTuna.

The following events could be construed as problems.

First round of ladies’ drinks (4) were all doubles, despite my warnings to the guys to order single shots. I failed in my tour guide and translator duties to make sure that tragos simples were ordered. Fifty-six buck.

Our change was $4.00 off; 4$40.00 was returned as change from a hundred dollar bill. This was quickly corrected.

On the other hand, while the girls did push for numerous drinks, the waitress Dana did not apply any pressure. She was prompt and friendly, although it occasionally took a bit too long to get change back when another round of drinks was bought.

Another situation: Automatic upselling of dances. I gave Venus, a gorgeous nica Goth girl with pretty bizarre piercings (face, nose, bicep) fifty dollars to hand to the waitress, she told Dana that two dances were being bought. Hey, I didn’t mind and would have gone for a twofer had I thought of it anyway. Twenty bucks for an 8-song private booth dance with full contact (no penetration but much touching permitted) beats a $20.00 American strip joint lap dance any day. It bugs me however that she did this without consulting me first. I guess we gringos are truly their cash cows; the assembled ticos were nursing their free-with-admission beers and waiting for the very hot, very popular lesbian show. You won’t see that kind of show at the Doll House or Déjà vu, friend.

CRT VIP card for free admission and one free drink worked like a charm. I hadn’t planned on going out and had left my card at the suite. Oops. It’s nice to save twelve dollars.

I was amazed at how nice the club felt to me. The music is loud but not unbearable, I think. Of the 22 dancers, my seeing-eye wingmen evaluated at least half being nines or better.

Total tab? Roughly $55.00 per guy, two hours, no sex, many drinks, including two rounds of lady drinks, the second being singles, thank you. For U.S. $220.00, we had a grand time. As one of the Kentucky boys put it, “You wouldn’t get that much action in a U.S. strip club for eight grand.” Well, that may be an exaggeration, and would in any case be inaccurate, because you simply can’t have this kind of fun in U.S. strip clubs.

Final stop, a very drunk and disorderly visit to Key Largo. Well, we weren’t really disorderly, but we were certainly the former. When a fat blind guy with no experience in Latin dance does the Hand Solo dancing routine…well, not quite… you know there’s alcohol involved.

Amazingly agile was BKTuna. You gotta understand…all three of these guys could easily shop in the Big, Tall and Obviously Played Football section of the clothing store. Amazing grace, BK.

Panamanian Maria, a frequent visitor to the Sportsman’s Lodge danced with me, and was my inseparable companion for the two hours we were together. We even went to my place. I guess it was just too late for her to earn eighty bucks. No sexo, lo siento.


It was a sincere pleasure to meet the Kentuckians and to party with BKTuna on this, the first-ever Half Ton Clown Car Tour.