Maybe I'm Barking Up The Wrong Tree

[Shaji K]

or: Maybe I Chose The Wrong Hobby
or: Maybe I Just Have The Wrong Attitude

As most here know, I'm an extremely late bloomer, I have difficulties around strangers (not just women), and am extremely self conscious (physically, as a person and also sexually)

Lately, I've been questioning where I stand with regards to hobbying, my place in it, and the type of 'relationship' I want. This stems partially from, I feel, that I'm "not finding what I'm looking for." Of course, I'm not sure what I am looking for here.

I don't want it to seem that I'm coming away from my outings with a bad taste in my mouth, or bad experiences. Certainly not, I have largely enjoyed myself. And if the various ladies were willing, I'd happily see them again.

At the same time though, something is missing...Except for my last time out.

My last date was back in Sept, when I saw Rebecca before she retired. I feel it would be safe to say that it proved to be a somewhat frustrating date, in that despite our best efforts I couldn't finish. Also I don't think I did much for Rebecca either. But here comes the part that felt right. After we gave up, we curled up together and just held each other. I don't want to call it magical, but the peace and quietness I felt was unbelievable. That moment will never be recaptured though.

That has got me thinking....That I'm not looking to get fucked, but just held and kissed? Less action and more intimacy. Is this hobby really where I'm going to find it? Is this even what I want.

The other problem is that most of the ladies I've seen have claimed to have been submissive. I believe I've told every lady that I am inexperienced, and wish to learn, so I wanted instruction. Sadly, except for Genevieve, none were forth coming. So one can't help but wonder is this really the right place to learn in. Certainly the ladies are fairly open to various activities, and allowing experimentation within limits...But really how good of a learning tools are they when one can't be sure if the responses they're getting are real or not?

This came up whilst I was talking to Nikki. She suggested that maybe I don't need the services of an SP, but of a sexual surrogate. Not someone to show me sex, but to teach me intimacy. From what I've read though they've gone the way of the dodo in Ontario.

HOF put forward that I just need to find the right lady. Unfortunately, unlike HOF and Damien5k, I don't have the funds to hobby my way through TO.

Though I can not discount my attitude during the sessions. I'm not one to lose/abandon myself to the experience, to live in the moment. Instead, I find myself observing and evaluating....More like one observing a science experiment. That most certainly can't be helping matters either.

So it all comes to a head, at least to me, in the form of the question "should I hobby." To me, it's certainly not a moralistic problem. It's more of the question of what am I looking to get out of it, and will I find it?"

Am I barking up the wrong tree? Should I be looking else where for...What ever it is that I'm seeking?