MY mom

[cyanne2ak]

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."


This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.


I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, permanent."


I went in to a pet shop and said "Can I buy a goldfish?". The guy said "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said "I don't care what star sign it is."


I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.


I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it says on the packet "Best Before End."


I went to buy a watch and the man in the shop said "Analogue?". I said "No, just a watch."


I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"


My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.


I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."


I met a bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.


I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.


I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on...


The recruitmant consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me"


This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace something for me."


I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising anything."


I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?". He said "I'm not stopping you!"


This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"


I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"


I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.


I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.


I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar?". I said "Well I've been on the telly but I'm no Dean Martin."


I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."


I went to the local video shop and I said "Can I take out The Elephant Man? He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow."

 

[Rey]

Baby seal walks into a club, a dun dun.

 

[LizzakaMel]

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.