One directional sex

[Andy Tips]

I've been plucking up the courage to start talking about sex as apposed to internalising it and feeling caged and over sexed

Basically I've been married a 6 years now and I've come to point where I feel inhibited by my marriage. First of all sex was great and frequent but as time has gone on, it seems to have reached stagnation. I have tried various things to spice things up, and to be honest, to no real avail

. I'll list a few symtoms to give an idea of the situation:

Sex one directional: from me to her never the other other way round (sometimes it would be nice not being the driver)
She doesn't instigate, If I don't instigate sex, it'll not happen (i've tested this)
I've tried introducing a sex toy - she not interested (it doesn't feel right??)
She won't mas****ate herself, in my presence or not
Porn is not her thing
When I try talk about it, conversation dies and her only response is "Ok, it's me, I'm the one with problem! Issue closed"
I've tired to introduce tantric sex
I feel sex is simply for making babies (in her view- now that she wants one)

About me:

I love sex and have a high sex drive - I think the national average in terms of frequency would suit me just fine...
I've had an affair before, probably to get a sex life (We've talked it through and are over it - I felt terrible about being deceitful though). This boosted the sex life, but only in the short term...
I feel it would be a huge mistake in my life to leave the relationship (but I'm beggining to think it might be better than cooped up sexual desire)
I'm fed up with having to satisfy my sex life with porn and masturbation (somehow I feel it's kind of cheating, counter-productive and makes me feel deceitful)
I'm begining to think of having a marriage in name and seeking pleasure elsewhere (but this seems wrong).
I feel a need to explore sex and this marriage is in the way - of course, without question I want her to be on the same page and to join me if it's not going to happen within our marriage...

What do I do? I'm really scraping the barrel for a solution, or at least some direction...

I have always had a suspicion that she's repressing lesbian tendancies and this may be the cause...?? She insists not, as she has had a lesbian encounter before, her previous best friend is lesbian.

I have considerred bringing a third person into the situation to help remove some barriers, but she's not going to let that happen, I've tried...

 

[Mailman Bob]

Like the song says...

"Make a new plan, Stan, and set yourself free..."

[video=youtube;RTiyLuZOs1A]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTiyLuZOs1A[/video]

 

[provider 8]

Estaban,
Although I havent experienced marriage but your situation reminded me of my ex -girlfriend of 4 years. lesbain tendancies or not, you will begin to repress your own sexual feelings in order to survive the relationship. Unless you are secretly masturbating and watching porn everyday, this is a potential BIG mistake as it took me awhile to overcome my own repressed sexual feelings when the relationship was over. However, I finally got it back and enjoy hugging even more. Actually it came back quickly when I met a beautiful ASIAN woman......

ps. if you choose to have an affair, then you wont worry about being sexually repressed. Instead you carry a big guilt....

pss. Many people often view marriage as a life time commitmment....so if your wife wont change, think about another 30 yrs of one sided dimensional sex....YIKES!!!!!!!!! Actually this might be a good thing....it helps porn to stay in business while strengthening the muscles in your left or right hand...

 

[jeremyandrew.king]

Find a new wife :neutral:.

 

[Pompal 09.]

How many times have we heard this song?

Dude, every married guy on here (ok, well most) have walked in your shoes. Hell, there was a guy on another site who was singing that song after 3 weeks lol.



SOrry, if she was my partner the first words out of my mouth would be: sorry, case is NOT closed. Not until we start to seek professional help.

Now I will ask you this: how often do you want it?

Another thing you have to realize: men and women view sex in different ways. Many (most?) women see sex as a way to "get" a guy and once gotten, then they figure why? Unbeknownst to them, if they use sex to GET a guy, they have to use sex to KEEP the guy.

How is the rest of the relationship? Are there kids involved? Is she your best friend? Do you have open and honest communication on other topics? and most importantly: Can you live without her?

I see any relationship is a 3 way situation; You have intellectual compatibility, you have emotional compatibility and you have physical compatibility. For any relationship to work you have to have at least 2 very strong parts to make up for the lack of a 3rd. If you're not in sync emotionally (madly in love with each other for eg) and you can't talk to her about things that interest you, then dude, time to get out now while you still can.

If you have two really strong points, everything is perfect except for the sex part, then see escorts. If the subject ever comes up again say: I want all these things with YOU, if you don't want them with me then what do you want ME to do?

BTW: sex therapy can help her overcome her hangups in regards to sex. Now if you're talking ball gags and playing pony boy, that's a little different but if you just want a healthy sex life, then that's not too much to ask.....

 

[Judas Rusty]

Is she a good cook?

If not, kick her to the curb.

 

[Chalise N]

LMAO I gotta agree with Auggie

 

[gravitate]

One directional? Are you into pegging or something?

 

[Blondie]

A few things:

Many women do not get "into it" the same way that most men do (we're generalizing here, so obviously, there are quite a few exceptions to this generalization): men tend to get horny, and therefore want sex. For many women, it almost goes the other way: hornyness comes from being stimulated. So, for many women, initiating sex out of the blue goes against the way their body is wired.

I've read a good advice recently on this topic (I think it may be from Dan Savage, but I'm not sure): keeping in mind that your wife may well be wired to start feeling horny and wanting sex after her body has already been stimulated (kissing, fondling, dirty or romantic word whispered to her ear, snuggling, massages, etc.), you could try adding more make-out session into your daily life. Think first base only. She most likely feel pressured about the sex issue in your marriage. To take this pressure off (which can't be good for her libido), the idea is to add intimacy into your marriage, but without the expectation that it has to lead to anything past first base. Let her take the lead to move on to second and third base.

Women's (and men's) libido go through cycle, and hormones have a lot to do with it. Sometimes, a lack of libido can be due to hormonal imbalance, or to mental illness (particularly depression). If you think that there may be a medical reason for her lack of interest in sex, you should suggest that she sees her doctor to make sure that everything is in order with her. Medication - if she takes any - also often has a detrimental effect on libido.

You say that she sees sex only as a way to make babies now that she wants one: I assume it means that you don't already have children? Of course, children, especially young ones will take a lot of energy out of their parents, especially their mother, which can be a reason why a woman is not interested in sex. But if this is not a problem yet, you can bet that your sex life is not going to improve once you do have a kid. So, if I were you, I would think hard and long before starting to make kids with someone who after only 6 years you already feel "caged in" with. Kids have this uncanny ability of complicating stuff a lot.

Finally, if you have already tried everything you can think of, if there is no medical issue explaining your wife's lack of desire for sex, and if she refuses couple counselling (I would recommend couple sex therapy rather than conventional couple counselling) and shuts down any attempt at conversation to deal with your issue, here's another way to approach the issue with her:

You could suggest that she gives you permission to discreetly go get your needs met somewhere else. Since she is not interested in sex anymore, and since sex is not an important aspect of her relationship with you anymore, there is no reason why she shouldn't let you engage with someone else in this activity that doesn't even interest her. You agree to be discreet, to have your priorities straight (wife and family always come first, you don't take time/money/resource away from your family to get your dick wet, you play safe, you get tested regularly, etc.), and she agrees to turn a blind eye.

Basically, the idea is to confront her with a choice, or with the implication of her choice: she can of course unilaterally decide that she doesn't want sex to be a significant part of her life anymore. But she can't reasonably expect and unilaterally decides that you will go without sex for the rest of your life because she isn't interested in it anymore. So, either she works with you to bring sex back into your marriage, or she lets you get it somewhere else.

Of course, there's also divorce.

 

[Captain Claudius]

Gen,

Great post!

I think the key is confront the issue.

Does she really not want sex ... going "outside" should be fine

She wants sex but you have to change ... are you willing?

 

[stillababy]

Yeah, gen gets right to it as usual.

The only thing I say is: if you have a hockey helmet wear it when you talk to her about "going elsewhere" lol....seriously. Now she may be one of the .0001% who would agree to this, but more than likely things are going to get thrown. Oh yeah, wear a cup if you have one.....

Not to stereotype, and gen is one of the few ladies I've met who do think logically, but the vast majority react first, then think about it later. I have heard of 1 (maybe 2) guys in 40 yrs who have their wife's permission to seek sex outisde of a sexless marriage. Maybe gen has heard of more? (but I would hazard to say that any man who told her this has reason to lie...).

It's not like playing hockey, or football, or hunting. Where you can go have at it even if your wife doesn't.

The statement that really gets me (and I admit we are only hearing one side of the conversation) is the "it's my problem, issue closed". If that was really her reaction to you trying to talk to her about it then I have a feeling the issue goes far deeper than just lack of sex.

 

[Riley S:)]

You can't see escorts without paying thousands of dollars a year. Wouldn't this come from the family's resources?

I very much doubt she'd agree to it but you're right to suggest a lot of good solutions and some possible reasons for her thinking.

 

[Marc J]

Well, this is something for a couple to discuss and decide. The idea is that you shouldn't put money on escorts (or a mistress) before making sure that your family is fed, clothed, that the bills are paid, etc. Like you shouldn't put money on golf unless your other financial obligations are met.


He may be surprised. Most people in a similar situation cheat without even trying to have a conversation with their SO about redefining the expectations and boundaries of their marriage, assuming that their SO will not agree to it. But if you are going to cheat anyway, why not start by trying to come to an agreement with your SO?

I also think that the key here is to confront your partner with the implications of their choice. If someone is not interested in sex anymore, and don't consider it a significant part of their relationship, then it makes no sense to simultaneously tell your partner that sex is such an intimate activity that they shouldn't have it with someone else. Either sex is important, or it's not. It cannot be both at the same time.

Monogamy also comes with the responsability to meet the needs of your partner, within reasonable limits. One can't demand monogamy, and refuse sex to their partner. That's cheating your partner on the agreement you made when demanding monogamy.

So, indeed, her partner may well refuse to turn a blind eye on him getting his dick wet somewhere else. But then he's just back to the same place, facing the same choices: in a sex-less marriage, with the option of going without sex for the rest of his life, getting some behind her back, or divorcing.

 

[Live Life Love]

Here is my 2 cents. Gene is right in all she says.

You need to decide what you want.

From my experience if you do a 3some some partners are ok at first but then issues occurs.
Everybody thinks it easy, just have one but then the reality hits you as you or your mate watches you, start question the marriage and what you think of sex.

Take your time, once things happen you can not turn back the clock. If sex is major part of your marriage then divorce. If your friendship and love is then you will work through it.

Women get sexually turned on by the things you do for them, surprises, romance. Yes it is work. I understand her not asking. I stop asking when I kept hearing No all the time I did ask. So you maybe rejecting her without realizing it.

Also some women don't have that sexual wanton feeling and you should have married an escort.:

 

[momof3]

IMO....
1. you have to communicate...both of you need to know what the other is thinking and make sure what you hear her say is what she actually means to say.

2. Seek professional help.

3. If this still doesn't work, you might be better off on your own.

I have similar problems in my marriage but I'm willing to keep working at it. My family is worth it to me. Before I step outside for pleasure I'll try everything else I can to make things work at home.

 

[Blondie B.]

Ummm bliss? Why are you talking about 3somes?

Gen: the only drawback with broaching the subject of getting it elsewhere is the ramifications of just bringing the topic up. I can't imagine any woman taking that well and if he's truly trying to save the marriage, that could be the end of it right there.

I missed the part in the OP about her not even playing with herself. That's a sure indication of some deep rooted sexual hangups so it isn't just estaban, it's her attitude towards sex in general.

Once again, even more so now, I think seeking a sex therapist is the next step.

 

[Senthil k]

Amigo listen here.

I was in the same boat as you 20 years ago.

The problem was that she didn't really recognize that we had a problem.

We divorced remained friendly and she got a new fella.

One day her and I were talking because she was a member at this club I was running and she told me how much her sex drive had increased and how she was having great sex with the new guy. WTF?

What I had to come to terms with was that somewhere along the line the spark had died in her for me.

On a emotional level she no longer had any sexual desire for me and once a woman shuts down emotionally that's all she wrote.

Some years later I ran into her BF now husband in a mall. We started talking and then after a few minutes he asked me how my sex life was with my ex now his wife. I asked him why and he replied that theirs started out great but then just died as she showed no interest anymore.

I just smiled and told him that made my day.

Moral of the story is that some people are just a certain way and no matter how much you try nothing is going to change them.

 

[lil]

^^^ just one more example of how women (for the most part) use sex to get love, and men just love sex.

I have not had a relationship, nor heard of any of my friend's relationships, whose wives or gfs didn't lose their sex drive after a couple of years. Some as little as a few months.

There's that old joke: 2 minutes after saying I do, she thinks "I don't" anymore......most jokes have a background in truth.

 

[JUDY 3000]

^^^^^ What drives me nuts is that they lose their sex drive and then expect us to do the same.

1...If we ask for more sex than we're getting, we're insensitive sex crazed assholes.
2...If we make an suggestions about getting it somewhere else, we're insensitive sex crazed assholes.
3...If we masturbate and they "catch" us, we're insensitive sex crazed assholes.
4...If we hit a strip club, we're insensitive sex crazed assholes.
5...If we look at another woman on the street, we're insensitive sex crazed assholes.

Part of me says FUCK IT! I'm an insensitive sex crazed asshole and need to do what I have to to get my sexual needs taken care of!

 

[Pompal 09.]

I forget which movie it was in but there was a subplot where a guy's father was getting married for the 6th time. It was his wedding day and his wife to be was in one limo with her lawyer and he was in his.

The lawyer was negotiating how many times a week she had to give him a blow job, he wanted 4 and she said only 2......

I seem to remember something in the news last year about a woman fighting a pre-nupt and one of the points was how often the husband wanted sex. I seem to remember the judge throwing it out.