Peter Kay one-liners

[wilster]

-I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

-When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

-Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

-I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

-I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

-I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

-A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

-Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

-My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

-Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

-I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."

-If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

-I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

-You know that look women get when they want sex? No? Me neither.

-Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

-I was the kid next doors’ imaginary friend.

-Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before.

-I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.