Read nd think...

[Hamed]

** Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

** If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

** Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

** If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

** I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

** So what's the speed of dark?

** How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

** After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

** Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

** If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

** I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

** Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

** Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

** Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

** When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

** If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

** Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

** Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

** Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

** How come abbreviated is such a long word?

** Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

** Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

** If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?


** What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

** If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

** Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

** When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

** Do fish get cramps after eating?

** Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

** When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

** Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

** Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

** How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

** If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

** Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

** What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

** Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

** If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

** Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

** Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

** Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

** I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

** If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

** Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

** War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.