Top lines from the Edinburgh Festival

[Dustin Gonzalez]

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly RoomsCats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.Jimmy Carr The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.Chris Addison at the Pleasance My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent mostof our family holidays in Customs.Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must besh*tting herself.Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but Iwas never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get meto sleep at night.Susan Murray at the Underbelly Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind peoplewere given pointed sticks?Adam Bloom at the Pleasance You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favouriteflower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening...Self-raising?"Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots andpunched someone in the face.Jeremy Limb, at the Trap I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thoughtthe obvious one was "Shout For Help".Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take thegirl out of Cork...Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco I got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.Turned out it was a bloody hoax.Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both awinner and a loser at the same time.Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go jointhe circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with aplumber".[le