top tips

[silencio]

> DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune
> and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song
> you
> like and hum that instead.
>
> CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a
> p**s before the film starts.
>
> RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by
> actually
> speaking clearly in the first place.
>
> DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
> identity
> stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old
> bank statements.
>
> WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red
> wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove
> the
> stains.
>
> SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
> tomfoolery after a trip to Truprint.
>
> MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to
> yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
>
> BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking
> out
> at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on
> you.
>
> EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs
> into the bin.
>
> MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the
> volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your
> wife
> from having to do it.
>
> GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by
> Royal Mail.
>
> BANGING: two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very
> small horse is approaching.
>
> ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
>
> DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn
> and
> wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them
> on
> their way.
>
> PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
> everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
> morning, simply move it all back again.
>
> CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the
> valuables
> may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
>
> DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',
> simply
> shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
>
> MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.
> Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you
> are listening to the sea.
>>
> SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
>
> SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside
> Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally
> glancing inside.
>
> BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg
> into
> boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3
> miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
>
> ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the
> pub,
> where a large selection is available at retail prices.
>
> McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in
> with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
> PARENTS: If your child is unfortunate enough to get an ice cube stuck in
> their throat, simply pour a kettle of boiling water down there; 'Hey
> Presto!" the blockage is removed.