Maestra;
I am so sorry for your so very recent loss. It's been 11 plus months since my husband died, and sometimes it still seems like last week. I'm glad you've found some things that comfort you. I can't imagine what it must be like to lose a parent.
Your insight into massage and ptsd/trauma is so right on. I've not had a lot of issues with my clients, but I personally have disassociated as a recipient. I was molested as a child.
The number one trigger for me is to have the person working on me not be responsive to my needs, specifically to "Owe, that hurts". If I have to tell someone more than twice that they are hurting me, all systems on planet Savannah shut down..............once it occurred when I was getting a massage from a very nervous student. She worked too deep, missed all the clues that she was torturing me (wincing, pulling away, holding my breath. This was before I rediscovered "my voice" enough to actually give verbal feedback.) and on top of it my body temp plummeted and I was so cold I must have been blue. I completely checked out. Not asleep. Just GONE. When it was over, I was in a daze for hours, having crying spells.
The last time I experienced this I was a many time client of a very well respected MT in my area. He teaches, and has many MT's as clients and is booked out more than three months.
He told me at the very first session that it was of the utmost importance to verbalize when it was "too much", because of the pain response and blah blah blah. I'm sort of a weenie when it comes to pressure and pain, and I have a lot of frozen joint issues. But he said that, and I trusted him.
His sessions always pushed the limit, but I did see results, so I tried to be a good sport and just breathed through the pain.
The last time I went to him, he worked on my toes (I've had neuropathy from chemo and a misaligned pelvis, and have very severe bunions). It was.........excruciating. I was pulling my feet away from him, and telling him to stop. And he kept at it. I finally started to cry. He apologized later but said "I really was only using this much pressure" and he showed me by doing a similar move on my fingers.
I don't necessarily doubt that he was. But the point is, even if it was just a feathery brush, it was excrutiating to me, and he didn't stop when I asked. Just like being abused as a kid.................he decided therapeutically I needed this, and he pushed through. I felt like a victim all over again.
Somehow I got out of his office, and all I can remember of the next couple of hours is sobbing. He's very technically talented, but I'll never go back to him. What kept going through my head is "It's happening again". I wasn't valued, I wasn't respected. He lied to me. I felt like I was five years old again, and no one believed me or was listening to me.
So yes. We can be so vulnerable there on that table. It's most paramount that people feel safe, and abuse victims especially are often incapable of verbalizing their needs. And sometimes are so out of tune with their bodies that they won't allow them to register normal discomfort responses like pulling away, clenching fists, etc. Some of us became masters of disguise, and you can't tell from the outside what's going on inside. So we can be tough to work with.
Two weeks after my husband died, a dear friend that trades massage with me called and said "This is what I can do for you. I want to give you a massage. This isn't a trade." So I said yes. When I got to her office, it was such a gift..............it was like being in a safe haven, and I sat on her couch and began to cry. She crawled up beside me and held me for nearly half an hour and just listened to me cry, doing nothing but holding me. When I finally got back to the surface, she had me get on the table and did the sweetest, gentlest energy work. I'd been having nightmares since my husbands death, and terrible insomnia, and I couldn't say what she did, but near as I can tell it was magic. I never had another nightmare again and the insomnia faded.
And one final memory just popped up. Many years ago I was doing a massage, and I was pretty green. Not sure exactly what I did, but I was very overly conscientious about protecting her modesty, so I had the sheet pulled up to her chin. I was working on her neck, and apparently somehow got the sheet under her shoulders so it was a little tight across her neck. She got very agitated and reached up and grabbed it and pulled it away. Apparently she had been mugged years before, and her assailant grabbed her from behind in a choke hold. Once she got the sheet loosened she relaxed and apologized and explained about her panic.
The good. The bad and the ugly. I'll take the good any day!