There's nothing of value in this FR / Diary entry, if you will. But there's an epiphany for me.
Decided to take an off and spend the day at SB's last week. Started the day at Sumit, sat with the usual muse. After an hour, wanted to sit with the chick I liked last time, Younger than the other aunties there, Late 20s. Just like me. Called her, but off she went to her regular uncle. I called for the bill and left, with her staring at me apologetically while the elderly patron was leeching on her neck. Can't blame her, can I? She has to pick a regular over an intermittent visitor like me. A regular client is better than a seasonal client, she has a household to run after all! But it still hurts in the moment, doesn't it? We are emotional beings, no matter how self aware we are.
Moved to Mayur and the regular immediately sat without asking. Too much of a pussy to tell her no, so let her entertain me for 30 minutes and finally eyed someone looking out of place. A hottie from the db section. Called her over, the db / sb attitude difference was evident with her reserved and laidback attitude. After an hour of pleasantries and a drink or two, she did free up and we made sweet sweet love for the next 2 hours, with her bar friend interjecting with 'Get a room' in the local language. The DB chick told me doesn't do 'this stuff' with everyone. I believed it, for a while! Even though I am aware about the illusions and mirages of the bar world, I still fell for it. I couldn't wait to revisit and meet her again! Hell, I would visit her every week, or every day if I could. All my plans of 'budgeting' and 'limiting' bar visits thrown out of the window, just because of a few words and lovey dovey actions.
Got home and thought about this stuff with a clear head, I totally get why bars are so addictive. If your experience is negative, you revisit with the hope of getting a good kick next time. If your experience was incredible, you revisit with the hope of recreating that kick or maybe even something better. Seems like a neverending pursuit for me, with no fulfillment in sight, like pouring water in a broken glass. The minute I get back home after vising bars, or rather even the minute I exit the bar door, Loneliness kicks in, and you know your love of the evening is finished, the show is over.
Looks like I have been visiting frequently to recreate intimacy that I had with my ex'es. I am in the wrong place, surely lol. This is it for me, Moving for a while to sort things out. Trying to get out of this world before it devours me and sucks me dry, both financially and mentally.
Adios guys! This all has been fun for me, met some real fun girls but it has fucked me up mentally too. Moving on to hopefully some fulfilling relationships for the future. Farewell