Do men consider relationships warfare?

[drumm3r1]

Women are made of secrets. I will admit that. I've become used to the concept that men, on the other hand, mean what they say and say what they mean.

So...I'm having a casual fling with a guy who is the consummate bachelor. He insists the entire time that he doesn't want the sex to ruin our friendship. I laugh it off and tell him something like "You really don't know me very well, trust me, this is just sport sex for me." A month later, he tells me, "I really like having you" and in the next sentence announces that he's leaving the country for a little while. My response to him was "Coool. Take lots of pictures and make sure you use a condom." He laughed at the moment. I found out later from his brother that he was hurt at my response or lack of.

WTF? I tell one of my other friends about this and he says:


Sigh. I still wouldn't have told him what he obviously wanted to hear cuz I simply don't feel that way about him, but had I been more aware of this, I would've been a tad less flippant. In any case, I feel like a total bitch :frown:

 

[Moonie]

You're not a bitch, unless you intended those words that way. Judging by your concern upon self-reflection, it's clear you are a woman of great sensitivity, therefore not a bitch.

What happened, happened. What was said, was said. You can't take back those words that crossed your lips. Nor can you be responsible for how he misinterpreted your intentions. Recognize he has a problem. Don't be a doormat. Do not make his problem yours.

Move forward.

Take lots of pictures and be sure to use a condom.

 

[Geek]

When two people are having casual sex or a fling as you say, it's quite normal for one person to develop some unexpected feelings toward the other. Sometimes both partners end up experiencing this.

Sadly for him it seems that he feels for you on a different level than you do for him. Maybe in a way it is best that he found this out and he can deal with it.

As for you being a ''bitch''. I don't think so. You as Art pointed out did not intentionally try to hurt his feeling and how were you supposed to be able to foresee the outcome.

Sometimes our decoders fail us,lol.

 

[Louise H]

You're right, I wasn't trying to be bitchy. As for the regret I feel, I agree again that I need to let it go. There have been plenty more meaningful words and actions in my life I am better off feeling regretful for. I do feel responsible though and I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. Just something to keep in mind if and when I get tested by a man like that again?



I feel badly that I didn't see it more clearly. It's quite obvious now, hindsight and all Thanks for not thinking I'm a bitch! lol I was just trying to play it cool

 

[JDB]

Fundamentally, men think in terms of Logic.

Women think in terms of Emotion.

This is the meeting ground that couples attempt to achieve when communicating.

Patience and Clarity are the key. Clarity more than anything else.

 

[NM-47]

Don't categorize or label men and women, we'll all different in how we interact with each other. Some need to be decoded, that can be said for either sex.

It sounds like you were upfront about this being a casual relationship, there's nothing wrong with your response.
You've learned a bit more about each other and that's fine.

 

[Sly]

Very true...I've had to try very hard to be clear and tone down my impulses to be overly emotional. And the men in my life have had to be patient with me. As for logic and emotion, men are sooo attractive when acting on emotions... even if they're ultimately hurtful. Women tend to crave and are attracted to those sparks even if destructive.




Ooookay, sorry! I will try not to do that.
I was upfront, and while it's quite affectionate to see the relationship had a different consequence on him, I really hope I didn't damage him too much.
I guess I just feel like this is an occurrence where I was made aware of what kind of reaction he was hoping for and I'm fortunate for that. Wonder how many other such instances have just blown by me where I took a man for his word.

 

[Vishak]

Men also expect clear answers but have a tough time articulating our own emotions.

 

[Alex Vienneau]

I think you did the right thing about being upfront. It would hurt him alot more if he finds out about how you feel about him later on. Men get blind when they have feeling about a woman.

 

[Hoadly]

Thank you guys for all the feedback, I really appreciate it!

 

[talefairy]

I'm not sure why I'm posting this... Maybe just to get my thoughts out to mostly anonymous people. The consummate bachelor tracked me down few weeks ago... He's been back in the country for who knows how long. I cut ties with everyone I used to know well over a year ago so it had to have taken a bit of work on his part.
He calls me, relieved that he's found me, mentions how much he has missed me and is sorry things between us ended so abruptly. As far as I could tell he was not drunk during or prior to this phonecall. I say I'm sorry too for being insensitive and careless. We touch base on a few things so he gets a concept of the struggles in my personal life that I've finally overcome. He insists that he would like to see me again and if possible do things differently this time around, perhaps more serious than casual. I don't like going in to the city so I tell him if he's ever in Durham I'd love to do dinner with him, "my treat". And we can go from there.
Sigh! Lol...
So he calls me claiming to be driving through. We pick a restaurant, I give him directions etc. He shows up looking effin scrumptious as ever. He looked genuinely happy to see me. We hug, kiss, joke, feel up a bit. He cant seem to take his hands off of me. It's almost like old times. I think I have my shit together more than I used to. I assumed he was more worldly now.
When we sit down at our table, he announces that he invited one of his "acquaintances" that lives nearby to join us. I don't know what to say. I should have opened my mouth. But true to my nature I don't.
Yes the acquaintance who showed up shortly after happens to be female, reasonably hot, a little bit icy, and so very very ...umm...dumb.
Whatever. I continue to be calm and sweet and seem to be the only one trying to include her in the conversation we have as the meal progresses.
She needs to leave the table towards the end because she needs a smoke. He says he's gonna join her and they'll be right back. He KNOWS how much I loathe this. Again I laugh to myself. I really am stunned that anybody could be this childish.
They come back, when the bill arrives he doesn't even gesture. So I take care of it. We get up and leave. She gets lost on her way to the door. He mocks her.
Outside the restaurant... She tells him she needs a ride. He gives her his keys and points out his car. He turns around and tries to kiss me. I turn so he gets my cheek and he laughs. I tell him it was refreshing to see him again, to say hi to his brother for me, and to take care of himself. And I walk away.
I've ignored his phonecalls. I honestly don't know what else to do but feel like shit about myself and be thankful that I have developed a better taste in men now. I hope. I don't know if it's a good thing that I'm laughing at myself and this entire situation.

 

[BEAUTY QUEEN]

This dude needs to contact '' a 1 player'' for tips pronto.

Bosco shakes his head at his pitiful attempt.

 

[_/=twihard:)/cc:)=\_]

He and I have done the threesome thing... several times. I really don't think that was his main goal.
In terms of this hobby, I do not choose to make smoking a big issue. I may not make out with a guy if he smells or tastes like smoke but I don't refuse to see him or anything even remotely like that.
But in my personal relationships, I will not be with someone who smokes. Not even for a fling. And he knew that. It's not something that would have slipped his mind.

 

[Woody]

Why would you feel like shit about yourself? He's the one who acted like an ass.

And laughing, even at yourself, is always better than crying...so yes, it's a good thing.

 

[callum the 3rd]

Ifyouseekamy..anytime you need a hug, just let me know. ofc nothing serious.

 

[neoplop]

Damn, just damn!

 

[gaga4cash]

Dude sounds like a douchebag if you ask me... Just sayin.

Move on Amy, from what I can tell from your on-line persona, you deserve better. :great:

 

[Naush...]

You're right SillyGirl... Sometimes it's just better to laugh.

Thank you oddball for your thoughful logic. I AM thankful and grateful about how humbling this experience was and how swiftly I got smacked back into my place.

It's not that I am losing my hopeful nature and embracing being miserable about men. Being jaded like that will always be a turn-off to me so I don't ever want to become like that! The reason I feel like shit is because I was foolish to not just let things be. How could I be so arrogant...

Some time between the first and second phonecall, all his animosity and resentment towards me or everything I represent took over his original intentions. If I were a better person I'd help him instead of walking away. I can reassure myself though that I didn't turn my back on him to save face but just to save myself from more heartache.

Thank you for the sweet offer peace.

I'm sorry a1. Aside from not wanting the person I'm with to punish their body so horribly, I really wasn't exaggerating when I told you I may be a little allergic. Any more than a few hrs at a time with a heavy smoker and my eyes and throat are eaten alive haha.

 

[Les]

Thanks CG. I don't really choose people in my life based on what I deserve or not. That's not a good way to live.
And ya he did act like an ass, but he truly used to be an attractive soul. His only real flaw used to be his inability to handle serious commitments and I could hardly blame him.

 

[lois b]

Thank you for the sweet offer peace.

I'm sorry a1. Aside from not wanting the person I'm with to punish their body so horribly, I really wasn't exaggerating when I told you I may be a little allergic. Any more than a few hrs at a time with a heavy smoker and my eyes and throat are eaten alive haha.[/QUOTE]


My pleasure IfyouseekAmy. By the way I am allergic to smokers too. Thus, I cant hug any smokers. Fortunately you are huggable and a non smoker.