In dire need of some sound advise...

[angel619]

Dear members,
I have been reading your postings for some time now, many of which I have found extremely interesting. Now a problem of the more complex sort has developed in my sexlife which forces me to seek advise...

The facts :

During my first visit to Laos 2 years ago I met a local girl which was both cute and lovely. In frenzy of passion and sweat I fell for her. She ist neither a bargirl nor was she - at any time - trying to scam me (I know this because there were numerous occasions where she could have done so easily but never did). Far from it....she works in a clothes factory and is a honest, hardworing girl of (now) 26. Last year I visited her again and finaly this year our relationship led to some unplanned consequenzes i.e her getting pregnant with my child.
Now I am really affected to the woman, I´m pretty sure that I am in love with her. At the same time, though, I´m only 24 and at present a student in Denmark. I deem myself too young to start a family, which would undermine my career and fear the scandal which would errupt around my family, should I bring the girl back home with me. Abortion is out of the question, too, as she is categoricaly against it (she wants to have a fallangbaby) and I´m not really enthusiastic about the idea either...

Can anyone of you seasoned veterans help me out with some info, advise or anything else?
I would appreciate it very much, me being a pretty worried and anxious mate at the end of his wisdom at the moment....

Soc Dee,
Ampoliros

p.s. : Please refrain from answering this thread if your ambition is to flame, insult or start any moral discussions about the said topic, as the deed is already done and this would just lead to all of us wasting or time, energy and braincells.

 

[UltraRobbie]

THis is not just a Phuket problem, it happen every day all over the world.
Your options are very limited.
You have three choices
One :Just abandon this girl full stop
Two :Go back home and send money to maintain a child you may never see again for the next sixteen years.
Three :Go with your heart and take her home.

THis is your life and hers. You live in a country that has very good ideas of tolerance. You should not be influenced by what others think!
If your feelings are true and you are commited to this girl,(and she to u) you will both find a way round any problems concerning your work as you will both work together to solve them.
As for 24 too young, many many people are in this situation, how are you going to decide when you are old enough?
Finally, dont listen to a word anyone says on this site(including me) as you will only end up confused(sorry other BMs).THis is a decision that only you and she can make.Unfortunatly what works for one person will not work for another.Please, go talk to your parents, you are their son, they know you and will help you.If you feel you cannot talk to them, there are many qualified people in your country who are there to help you.

I am sorry that I cannot give you an answer but this is not the right place to ask this kind of question. If you want more information on what help is available please pm me.
To the other BMs, sorry if I upset anyone with the above post.I may be totally wrong but this is my interpretation of the answer needed.

 

[<3~??~<3]

i mean if you can't take her home and Abortion is out of the question then really you only have a few options 1 is to move to thailand, but you need to work in order to support her and the baby, 2 you can send money to her and visit her as much as you can, or 3 get her back home and try to make your family understand that you have to do this for the kids sake, have to tryed getting pro help

 

[Meagan]

It seems asian girls do go gaga over Luk Krueng babies.. for one they have lighter skin of the European and that accounts for so much 'beauty' in the eyes of the Thai people (it denotes class / status etc).. I was also told a prominant nose / Euro nose is attractive rather than the flatter Thai noses..

Also Thai TV and media seems to have a lot of Luk Krueng in media etc (Tata Young) and it seems fashionable.. as I said I know many girls going out of thier way to puposefully have a mixed baby..

I used to know 2 Khmer sisters.. The younder one (Murr) was a stunner... Always had the hots for her but was living monomously at the time.. She had a regular Aussie customer and he invited her to go to where he lived in Oz to see if it could work out.. I get the impression he was a farmer and lived out in the sticks a bit, big change from Patong party girl to farmers wife... Anyway she had a 3 month visa, she was back in Thailand within 6 weeks aftre getting pregnant striaight away.. She obvioulsy saw he was kind hearted and well off..

Immediately quit the bar girl scene and he built her a couple of mil house up in Surin.. Now she is a full time mum with her allowance from him keeping her going.. I guess she had the smarts to realize that as she was going to late 20's her time was running out to be working bar for long..

 

[Rey]

The heart of the matter is heart, as LivinLOS pointed out. You say you "think" you love he, but it is best to know. You need to spend more time with her.

2) 24 is not a boy. Not a child. It is high time you realize you are not a boy, but a full-grown man and have ben for years. There are a lot of Peter Pans on this board, men in their 20's and 30's who are afraid to grow up, and run away to the Neverland of LOS as often as they can and keep their fantasy alive as they hole up in their rooms in front of their computers the rest of the year. Don't be one of them. Be a man.

3)Eurogirl, this is not meant to be judgemental, because I think you heart is i the right place, but your comments are very patronizing and disrespectul to Thais. You recommend that the man immediately bring the woman to Denmark, because Denmark is so much of a better place to have a child and raise it. I disagree. LOS or Laos ma in some cases be better for a baby. It is better to be raised in a supportive family atmosphere where there is love, than in an atmosphere of scandal, shame and loneliness. Not to mention the fact that the mother has a say in where whe lives, it is not up to the father, and it is partronizing to assume that, of course, she would prefer to be in Denmark. Thainland or Laos are not bad place to raise a child.

4)Tintin, you say "With one difference: there mother is great!" That is a rather nasty way to infer that this man's GF is somehow inferior to your wife. How do yo know she is not an absolutely wonderful personwho will make a great wife and mother for some lucky man!

5)LivinLOS, I think you are being a bit harsh when you advise to tell the girl he'll not support her or have anything to do with the baby. If he ever hopes for a relationship with her, and even if that relationship if only that of his child's mother, then it is not a good thing to immediately alienate her and start problems between them that could make things hareder for them both in the future.

6) Ampoliros, you seem to have a good had on your shoulders and the course you have seems prudent and reasonable. At some time, of course, you will have to tell your parents if they have a grandchild born to your Lao lady. The time and the place of this revelation is up to you. Don't wait too long.
Best of luck. If you make the right choices, and follow through, then you may have a very wonderful life ahead of you in your future, and there may come a time when you look back at this time of decision and great anxiety, and with a smile, thank God for the good fortune this turn of events brought to your life. It is never too soon for a man in his 20's to stand up for what he holds dear to him and be a man. I think that is the course you are taking, and I wish you the best of luck. I have a feeling that maybe you have found a good one and if you really do love her, then this will turn out better than you ever imagined!

Have to run or I'll be late for my Thai class at the Wat!

JayBee

 

[rihannafan]

Have to agree with CeeGee's answer there is no easy way out I'm afraid, unless your parents are very liberal they will undoubtably tell you to forget her and not ruin you life over this girl.

 

[Rorschach]

I have a 1/2 Phillipino & 1/2 U.S. (German/Irish from 500 years ago) mixed daughter and she was totally normal 7#6oz. 21.5in. I am 6' tall 180#, luckily she got the best of both of us. Most asian girls I know want 1/2 babies especially if the man has light colored eyes (green or blue), it makes the babies stand out more so the mother gets more attention. So race doesn't make a lot of difference in my experience, the baby is usually 5.5-8lbs...unless mom is a crackhead!

 

[Josie]

Especially from CeeGee but I would suggest you grow up and face the responsibility ( no flame intended ), as you said you are 24 and in light of that others opinions should matter less then your own feelings.

Since abortion is no option you have limited the options to what CeeGee already have stated.

Since you have feelings for her I see no reason you should be too young to start a family, infact you already did...like it or not.

If I were in same situation and I was in love I would marry her with all the proper legal papers, get her to my country and make sure she'd give birth there.

That way you ensure you have rights and responsibility towards your child.

You obviously found a nice girl you're in love with who is expecting your child, I know a lot of people that'd wish to be in that situation...

Still I wish you the best of luck, no matter what you decide to do.

chok-di

 

[dumdum]

Have to agree this is maybe not the right place!

I think that junkhouse gave you good advice.

I did not like the part "scandal in the family". You went with the girl, you did not abuse her, you were in love with her and still are!

Now 24 is youn, my wife was 18 when we met and 21 when we got married!

I don't know your financial situation, neither the one of your family! I see people much younger then yourself who get in this situation, and who work out fine.
If you are really in love with this girl there should be no problem at all. It is not because she is from Laos that she would be in anyway inferiour!

If I understand it well you did not talk it over with your family! If you were my son, wich could be so by the way, as I am getting old, I would have nothing against it, that you should bring this girl home!

Again, not nowing anything about your background makes it difficult to know in what situation you are exactely. But 24 years is old enough to make yOU decide and nobody else. If you love the girl like you said, nothing can become an obstacle! There are ways enough to finish your studies and go on with your life with a wife and child!

If you don't, well you will not be the first farang to leave a girl in the shi*, she will manage, but it will be difficult for her. And if you love her, well then you know what you should do!

My 5 cents...

 

[Steav T]

Mate I feel for you I really do..... **** me, this is EXACTLY what happened to me.

First off, you got to make sure she really is pregnant. Now when the baby is born you HAVE to make sure it is yours. You can buy a DNA test from the internet and all you need to do is take swab samples from inside the mouth. You can do this when you are feeding the baby. Get up in the night and do it without the girl knowing. Then you post the samples off and in a week or 2 you can phone the laboratory and get a result. The mothers permission is NOT needed, and I'd suggest you keep this secret for the time being anyway.

Now you may want to bring the girl and baby home to the west, better healthcare, better education, what you percived as a better start in life...etc etc. However, the girl is going to miss her family and friends and she isn't going to like the climate, the difficulty in language. Feeling alone with a baby in a foriegn country will be very tough for her, it will probably do your relationship more harm than good.

If you really love her, I'd move to Asia if i were you, or at least keep going back every couple of months or so, be expensive on the air fares but this is going to be YOUR family and I think you will fall in love with the baby when it's born and you'll want to be there as much as possible anyway.

This happened to me, last year in Asia, again with a Lao girl. I worked and saved and planned and when I got to Asia, I found that she had lost the baby. She didnt tell me before I got there becasue she thought I wouldnt go back. And yes, she was definetly pregnant becasue I saw her a lot earlier in the year and watched the change in her as the pregnancy went on, she got big. As the baby died I never got to find out if it was really mine or not and that is going to haunt me forever. I am never going to know the truth now.

You are not in that situation yet my friend, and I wish you all the luck that I never had. I really hope you get what you want out of this. I still have the unopened DNA test in my suitcase from my last trip, and you can have it off me if you like. I wont be needing one for a while.

Good luck Buddy, and if you want to chat about it you can email to me....

 

[tori w]

Jaybee it was not meant to be patronising, taking her to Denmark was my solution because of ante-natal care, nothing else, I have lived in Denmark and frankly would rather live in SE Asia any day of the week. But as I cannot imagine him moving here in the middle of his studies I think the father and mother should embark on this together and even if after birth she leaves with child I do think she will get better care in a country that has guaranteed healthcare. Infant mortality rate in Laos is relatively high, in Denmark it is very low.

 

[BatMan]

The reason i went on such a mad bender last year shagging everything I could was because of this disaster I had with my girl. I was totally in love with her and I was going to move to be with her and have a family. when it went wrong, then i reacted badly and didnt trust her. She in turn didnt trust me and then things went downhill rapidly. In the end I left because it was just going from bad to worse.

Thats when I went off on my own and I had such bad feelings inside me that I was drinking and ****ing myself into oblivion. I am lucky not to be another casualty.

Dont let this happen to you mate, keep on top of things mentally. Keep a check on yourself. Especially if you are in love with her!

If you want to run away and leave her thats up to you, but as for what the other guy said about "you will not be the 1st farang to run and leave a baby alone", well yes thats true, but it doenst make it right does it.

I could never leave my baby anyway.

once more, good luck!

 

[Kiki]

My reasoning was that it sounds as though he is not ready to become a father and my advice was trying to steer the mother against seeing him as any meal ticket or benefit system (I have seen girls purposefully get pregnant with guys they had no love for, simply becuase they thought the man would help them for the rest of thier lives)..

It does not sound like he is ready to settle down and play happy families.. If so hard descisions need to happen and FAST. If the baby is born, he has no further choice only responsibility..

Good luck..

 

[Pompal 09.]

Eurogirl, I didn't mean to say that your intent was to be patronizing. As I said, I think that your heart is in the right place, and you are trying to give what you genuinely see as the best advice to the man. But the effect of what you say comes off as patronizing, because appears to be(or is tantamount to) a statement that Denmark is a better place to raise a child than Laos. And while that may be a valid statement when referring to infant mortality rates, ante-natal care is only one part of a much larger picture. I suspect that there are good doctors and good hospitals in Laos. Many of the people there may not have access to them, and that could account, at least in part, for infant mortality rates.

I see no reason to believe that the parents being together is the best option. As another poster stated, the radical change in physical, social and family climate for a TG moving to Denmark, especially with all the added stress of pregnancy, could be very hard on a relationship and it could crack under all that pressure. A better option might be if he could take off for a few weeks or a month to be there for the birth of the child.

The desires of the mother, her ability to make sudden adjustments during pregnancy(if she were to go to Denmark to have the baby), adaptation to a new climate, etc., are all factors to be considered. I would be very surprised if the woman was amenable to leaving her home and the warm emotional climate of family and friends, not to mention the warm weather climate.

To suggest that it is up to the man to decide where his child lives, or to assume that the woman would want to move to Denmark seems to be espousing a male chauvinistic viewpoint.

So, all I am saying is that, in fact, it is ultimately the woman's choice to decide where she and her child live, not the man's, although she may wish to consider his desires in reaching her decision. He may be able to apply financial pressure if he wanted the child to be in Denmark, but that would be a questionable tactic, at best. In this case, he does not appear to want that, because it would be a more comfortable situation for his family and probably for her family, as well, if she remained in Laos. So, all the factors need to be considered, not just welfare laws and infant mortality rates. It is not always best to give statistics top priority in making critical decisions for oneself and one's loved ones. There are so many other considerations.

Of course, this is only my opinion. I just happen to disagree with you on this point.

JayBee

 

[rona f]

There are some big descisions ahead for both parties this is a very serious matter you have some good advice offered in this thread, personally I agree with Livinlos if you were my son I would give you the same advice.

Talk to your parents immediately and then take it from there good luck and I hope it works out.

 

[apple]

All interesting advice ,but dont forget the baby ,the baby did not ask to be born and is not at fault here.
you will soon know when the baby is born if it is yours or not lets face it the will be some noticeable differences between asian babaies and fifty fifty babies ,just ask Nicke about his beautifull daughter you can see both the mother and father in her.
but dont abondon the child because of your own self control to use protection.

 

[Uttam]

Ampoliros,
You have some great advice on the forum here. All different kinds of advice and different opinions. Really good to see the forum being used in such a positive way.
Now is the time for you to do some sould searching and make some serious decisions.
I wish you the best.
Whatever the decision... IT WILL BE THE RIGHT ONE

 

[Nancy M]

Jaybee nothing wrong with disagreeing. I do see your points, but I do worry mainly for the unborn child in this case not the father nor the mother, they are adults, so I hope, but the childs welfare is my main concern. That said, on a personal note, I have lived in Denmark and would not want to do it again. I think Scandinavia is one of the hardest places for a foreigner to adjust to based on moving around quite a bit in my own life and the fact that I am only half swedish and myself found scandinavia to be difficult to live in compared to southern Europe or even UK where there is more diversity of culture.

In the end it is the decision of these two where and how they raise their child, I just hope that the childs interest is in the forefront of those decisions. Bringing a life into the world is the most awesome responsibility anyone can take on.

 

[W Y]

I would also advice to make sure the baby is yours and that she is really pregnant, a common scam is just to say she is pregnant while she is not. I dont know the reasons, she may test your feelings for her and wether or not you are willing to take your responsibilities and support her.

I have seen so many cases where the girl says she is pregnant while she is not. They get money for abortation or if he want to keep the child, she says she got menstruation back. I also know girls with supporting boyfriends and the baby was not his baby at all.

Thats why I am very cautious regarding cases like this.

 

[choudhary_ajay1980]

It depends on your own attitude also.... If you treat people like you have been doing here, i understand why you have problems.