Intimacy to emptiness -deep lonliness after giving massage

[TillieDillie]

I am new to massage - Licensed July 08.
The main reason I became a therapist is to provide a healthy lifestyle/workstyle that supports me.
I often feel so lonely and empty after giving a massage -such an abrupt - disconnect after intimacy - usually with on-site -one time clients.
I work for an on-call service and am building my own practice...so most everyone is a first-time "sale" - more energy out than a repeat client.
Many times the afterwards emptiness is deadly
sometimes I feel like this is killing me and I don't want to do massage anymore

Classic beginner mistakes - giving too much attention, energy out. I'm immature as far as massage practice--with few energy protection or boundary skills. I am still in the 'got something to prove' 'got to give 190% each time
I'm studying NMT - thinking this will change my focus. Currently deep relaxation is all I know. Clients like my work - great tips.
What I bring to the table: I tend toward the melancholy or ecstatic, I am highly emotional and intense...'the artist temperament"
I've worked to overcome/release/cope with and transcend severe depression most of my life, and I cycle through depressive bouts about twice yearly...that's just how it is so far. Keeping at 'sea level' takes a great deal of maintenance; yoga, nutrition, eating often, more rest, excercise, talking with friends, meditation, prayer, supplements,

I usually make phone calls as I drive home or I sing, and practice music. I have a hefty support system, several good friends, and many aquaintances, and a massage mentor.
I dunno, the empty feeling has come so many times, I need your experience and suggestions.

 

[excitednewparent]

First off let me compliment you on your courageous and incredible honesty. What a wonderful trait to have. I like you already.

Massage is a often a lonely gig. I am sure many of us here have felt the same way you have from time to time so know that right off the bat you are truly not alone.

As you continue to do this and continue to grow I think you will develop coping mechanisms that will help you balance out your feelings of emptiness. Work on your life outside of your work. Embrace your support system and when you feel the darkness creeping in be proactive about avoiding the bouts of depression. Go outside and hike or take in a museum, anything to get out of your head so to speak. Reach out.

Also see how working relationships grow with the clients that you begin to see over the long stretch. There is a richness there that develops. I bet you will see yourself grow and see your new career as a continuance of lovely intimate moments with breaks in between clients that give you the space to breathe for yourself. Look around you, you are not alone. You are part of something wonderful and your unique gifts give you a special and often sacred place in your community. Allow that in. Don't forget that this is a service profession though. Don't make it about you and your needs so much. Create a strong foundation of inner strength and a way to replenish that so that you are able to enjoy this wonderful and unique profession that you have chosen.

I wish you much success on every level!

 

[That_Skate_Kid]

Even if you work for an on call service, you can still provide a memorable massage... encourage clients you feel a "bond" with to request you if they are in the area again. You'll be surprised how long some people will keep your business card! I had one client who kept my business card in his wallet for a year and called right away when they found out they were coming to my area again. (I'm in a tourist area... but it could happen in a big city as well.)

As elsewhere said, we're in a service profession and if you provide a wonderful experience for your clients they'll want to see you again too.

Meanwhile as elsewhere also said, work on building up relationships in other areas of your life.

There are threads in this section about protecting yourself energetically. There are also many threads that discuss working in outcall situations, as well as threads that reflect all kinds of boundary issues (and the crossing of them). Talk to your massage mentor about these issues. That's what they are there for. Possibly peer supervision might be an avenue for you... sometimes it helps to have several massage mentors you can bounce ideas/thoughts off of. Possibly do some reading on ethics and boundary issues.

And MassagePlanetL is a great resource for all the above plus much more. Some of us have formed great online friendships through this forum. And I've even met a couple forum members in real life.

You are right... massage can be very intimate, and sometimes is a very solitary profession. For me at least, MassagePlanetL has gone a long way toward giving me the support network that I craved. I hope it proves to be so for you too.

t056 Welcome to MassagePlanetL!

 

[Jerry Jerry Jerry!!!]

THANKS! Pls keep suggestions coming!

Thanks for your specific ideas! Yes, I've been combing through MassagePlanetL energy forum, etc... for boundaries - and self-support techniques.
Today was a better day, I'm guessing so much of "becoming" one's own individual self as a therapist is the process of 'elimination' - finding out what doesn't work for us...
Please keep the suggestions coming! I DO want to BE there for others, of course, only possible by being there for my self.javascript:emoticon(':')

 

[radamclaren]

I've only been a MT for about 3 years. I still feel I have soooo much to learn. Each and every client (new and returning) is a learning experience for me. It's important to maintain your own 'space' while allowing the energy and experience of your clients in. When the session is over for that time, it's over. When you see that person again, the connection will return, maybe the same (unlikely) or different (more likely). Each and every time I work on a client, I feel honored. Whatever has broght them to me, I've been presented a precious gift (I know, very flowerly - sorry ppl).

You seem to have a firm grasp on the situation and I have the fullest confidence that you'll see yourself through the woods. Hang in there.

 

[bluebird]

It sounds like you may have a nutritional problem. The mood swings you are describing may be moderated by making appropriate dietary changes. While going organic and fresh can help, there is more to it than that. If you haven't already looked into it, check out the book "Potatoes Not Prozac" and others by Kathleen DesMaissons, Ph.D. She is expert at nutritionally balancing neurochemical sensitivity to moderate mood and energy levels. Her web site is http://www.RadiantRecovery.com

Other than that, let yourself separate slightly from the work. The work is something you DO, not something you ARE. Adjust the way you end your sessions so it is not a sudden break in intimacy. A simple set of compressions through the sheet/blanket is one easy way to move from flowing strokes to a gentle separation.

Hope that helps!

 

[James D + Sarah D]

Something I do that you might find helpful is to have opening and closing "rituals" for massage and energywork. I start with an energy hold and silenttly ask for guidance from a long list of helpers. At the end of the session I finish with an energy hold and silently thank my helpers as well as my client. It helps to end the connection.

I also applaud you for being so honest with yourself and with us.

 

[Zippy]

I'm also curious how much massage you receive? Do you maybe need more balance in that area specifically, so that you aren't always the one giving massage, but are on the receiving end as well? I notice that you excel at self-care (meditation, yoga, nutrition, etc.), and I applaud that. However, there is something uniquely nurturing & replenishing about receiving care from another.

 

[Pompal 09.]

Our profession draws alot from us, energy, physically & mentally. Before I go into a massage I ask to be surrounded by white light.

I agree with Maestra, work on building other relationships in your life.

For me, I find much peace and relaxation in what I do. I have 4 children and I tell people I come to work to relax!

I also agree with Blisss... I can always tell when I am way overdue for a massage, I feel like I am taking care of everyone else, and it's definitely my turn. It helps me alot.

It's all about finding balance in every aspect of what you are doing. Ease into your work, don't overdue it. Taking on too many appointments in the beginning can deplete you.

Good Luck!

 

[vis]

Mary;

Your post caused me to recall a feeling I had early on in my career. I never felt like I was "good" at anything my whole life. I also have lived with chronic depression since I was quite young.

I sort of jumped blindly into massage school, and thought I would just figure it all out after I got licensed. (I did eventually). But for a long time I felt like I was faking it, and even when I got raves from people about my work, I never beleived I deserved it. I felt bad about accepting money for the massage, and didn't allow myself to take much pleasure in the compliments I got. I only worked for two years, and then I took a long hiatus, staying trapped in a hidious production job for nine years.

I kept my license current, even when I wasn't using it, and eventually an opportunity presented itself. I began practicing massage again. My life by this time had become extremely chaotic and troubled, and the massage work became my sanctuary and sanity.

Sometimes now when I'm working I am so flooded by a sense of peace and gratefulness it's like it spills over into all the other areas of my life. I can't tell you how I got here............I'm not exactly sure. But I will tell you to hang in there. Take a deep breath, relax, and just trust that it's out there. At least give it a chance. You may just be reacting to a lot of old feelings.

It sounds like you are pretty sensible about good self care and you said you had good support. That's great advice about getting bodywork often.

Sometimes we fear change so much that it takes us a while to adjust. Give yourself time to catch up with the new you!

 

[Karamazov]

Intimacy to emptiness -and self care

Thanks - great experience and tips - yeh, building friendships is critical to a balanced life - work and personal.
I experience the 'abandonment'/emptiness post massage even when I had a close significant other- now proceeeding through a divorce. My spiritual connection with God and friends have become more important than ever.
Getting massage for ourselves....I did receive a series of Thai massages that really helped. I've committed to yoga 2-3 a week - and the teacher is gifted - in matching student's requests whether its work on hips, hands or grief and staying present. My renewed yoga practice is a life saver.
We have entered the post season doldrums in my area, or is it the economy, dammit? I'm moving on to work for a chiropractor-- this should help with establishing clinical boundaries and working with a team/office could be very good.
This 'becoming' a therapist - the journey is a strange and splendid thing...your journey too?

 

[I demand a recount]

Sorry to hear about your divorce. I went through a real nasty one after I graduated from Massage School.

Taking care of you is going to be more important than ever during this time.

My best to you and I hope things go smoothly for you.

Amy

 

[marineswife]

Intimacy to emptiness -and self care

This 'becoming' a therapist - the journey is a strange and splendid thing...your journey too?

yes, it is a journey and unique for each of us. I'm glad you brought that up because it describes what has been happening for me and I love being reminded that life is a journey! I also am new at this, licensed in Sept of 08. My challenges are different. After giving a massage I usually feel terrific, very happy and pleased and I am so thankful for that because it helps push me through some of what is difficult and helps me to realize I love giving massage.

However, for some reason I am compelled to tell this story. perhaps there is something in it for you? When I was still in clinic I had a client that I was having a hard time with. I brought up my disappointment when one day I found out he was scheduled yet again with me. I had been hoping I was done with him! anyway, just expressing this disappointment with my supervisor, brought up so much emotion, I actually started crying. boy I was surprised, but she being the veteran she was, was not surprised. What she saw, was an example of countertransference. I was attributing an attitude onto him based on how I perceived the intent behind his comments - bear with me, I do think this has relevance... He reminded me of someone, and I never did pinpoint who, who shared his disappointment? someone I couldn't please? I'm not completely sure - anyway, once I thought about it and realized that he was not the person or situation he reminded me of... this was a new situation - once I realized that I could let it go and I gave him the best massage and he made no comments that I could perceive as negative!

and forgive me if I am being presumptuous, but, when you give massage, does it perhaps remind you of times in your past where you would give and give and yet not get validation or appreciation or even recognition for what you were giving? trying to please someone who never was pleased?

and if so, and you can recognize that this is not that same situation, maybe the feelings will lessen? I don't know, just a thought.

 

[smackxgarden]

Intimacy to emptiness -deep lonliness after giving massage

OH - THANK YOU! thank you thank you
yes, more now than ever - I need to replenish - being new, I don't know what my limits are - especially since most every massage I do - is in a new location- on a new client AHHHHHHH
good news, I'm on with an NMT center - can't wait - now to study my tee-hiney off...tomorrow I will 'shadow with an NMT therapist.
much of this is being available to work/learn
and not holding my breath
and hoping the money doesn't run out 'til I build enough steady income
Thanks to all for your insight - please keep it coming!

 

[jase25064342]

Intimacy to emptiness -deep lonliness after giving massage

i can relate to much of what has been said here (i think we all can at some point in our careers). i too am a Sept08 licensee, but an Aug07 graduate...got delayed by a cross-country move with small children and inter-state red tape. i still have BLACK days where i bemoan ever going to school because of the financial drain the whole kit-and-kaboodle has put on our family finances. and due to the forced hiatus i lost confidence in my hands and my knowledge. however, black days are better than the black weeks and months i was wallowing through; floundering with every aspect of my life, questioning and second-guessing every thought and decision.

perhaps, in addition to REGULAR bodywork (advice i need to take myself), you may be well-served for looking into being on the receiving end of some energy sessions.

i'm finding chair massage (5- and 10-minute varieties) to be a fantastic 'pick-me-up' without the same intense connection. there's still A connection, but due to the limited time-period it literaly ends up being a little spot of respite for my clients and myself. thus far it's been at more intimate gatherings...local moms-nite-in, a friends gaming store on a medium-flow afternoon, etc. though i have two exhibits coming up that i intend to take my chair to...we'll see what the demand and the outcome end up being...

i agree with the others...kudos for recognizing your situation, and for being able to share so openly!! being conscientious of it helps immensely. there's another thread i happened upon recently...think it had to do with THE ECONOMY--that ended up talking about positive affirmations, visualizations, etc. that thread, and one about massage on the honor system were VERY freeing to me (and my reading of them also coincided with the arrival of my chair ).

we are all still learning this art and science...if we're not than we're seforum.xxxnating. keep growing, and keep your chin up!!

:dancingparty:

 

[the chosen one]

Intimacy to emptiness -deep lonliness after giving massage

I've been taking your advice! I justified taking a day and $28 to go to the Bodyworlds exhibit "Heart" in Tampa!
Wow- I cried it was so beautiful and elegant. I brought my books and snax and camped out. I realize I'm putting WAY too much pressure on myself to develop as a therapist - an old pattern... cannot force a flower to bloom with a sledgehammer - I needed to remember that .. I also scheduled more accupuncture for depression and grief, I pay for some sessions/trade for sessions. I also trade for with my yoga teacher - I give a massage/get yoga classes - saving my life...I've got a friend who does shiatsu coming friday to work on me....
I'm impatient..and howz that working for ya? LOL - the economy sux so I'm getting real about doing NMT for pain relief and scrapping any/all other pursuits re massage. I'm job shadowing til I get busy-er...
patience, patience, patience - god grant me some - but hurry!
the point about "trying to please" the un-pleasable was very helpful Thanks - keep those insights comin!

 

[Kaykay034]

Intimacy to emptiness -deep lonliness after giving massage

patience, patience, patience

you are right, can't force growth! I know I have to recognize and respect my own "pace" regarding my growth. remember that my pace is the right one for me.

 

[Ted]

Intimacy to emptiness -deep lonliness after giving massage

I realize I'm putting WAY too much pressure on myself to develop as a therapist - an old pattern... cannot force a flower to bloom with a sledgehammer - I needed to remember that ...

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anais Nin

Yes, take the time to smell the roses and enjoy the journey! You'll be "an old hand" sooner than you think! :

 

[zellparis]

Intimacy to emptiness -deep lonliness after giving massage

I had a hard time finding my way too. I can remember being so drained after just giving 3 massages that I would sleep for 15 hours. I really had to learn not to give so much of my self away. That took me about 4 years of practice

 

[Mine<3]

Intimacy to emptiness -deep lonliness after giving massage

"I saw the angel in the marble and chiseled until I set it free." - Michaelangelo

You are the marble AND the artist. Your education and practice are your hammer and chisel. The work will take time and much effort, so enjoy pursuing the vision until it becomes reality.