Most powerful hour of my life - long, but worth it (I hope)

[businessman95]

Yesterday I had my first ever massage, and with it, the most profound belief-altering moment of my adult life.

Years ago, I was held captive in my home and violently assaulted (physically and sexually). With the passage of time and extensive psychotherapy, I have overcome the emotional components of my PTSD; I no longer have flashbacks or nightmares, and generally function as most normal human beings – with the one glaring exception being a somewhat extreme aversion to physical contact.

Despite successful therapy and some brief forays into psych meds (long abandoned as a potential solution), I have never been able to shake the constant head-to-toe full-body tension that has plagued me since the assault. I am wound up 24/7 as a “normal” state of existence (the hyper-arousal part of PTSD); and when superficial life/work/family stress is added to that, it is almost unbearable.

With the support of my husband and a good friend, I decided I would try massage, figuring I would endure or dissociate and alleviate some tension. I got some names, made some calls, and found a woman who was willing to give it a go with me. So last night was the magic moment, and neither I nor the massage therapist had any idea what to expect (meaning my reaction(s)).

Whenever someone touches me, I “follow” the touch – tensing and preparing myself for attack (yes, I know there isn’t going to be one – I just can’t help it). An unexpected touch (and sometimes even expected) causes me to flinch, twitch, jump and often panic.

NONE of those things happened last night! I didn’t “follow” the touch, I didn’t tense, I didn’t flinch, I didn’t panic, and more importantly, I didn’t feel the NEED to.

That was fundamentally different than ANY touch I have experienced in my adult life! To simply “feel” a touch for the first time – without all the flinching and panic – was an unbelievably overwhelming experience. I don’t think there is any way to put into words just how profound and moving it was to just “feel” touch for the first time.

Being able to experience touch like that (even if only for an hour) has completely reshaped my dreams for what my life could be. Although I don’t think there is anything that will ever get rid of the pervasive head-to-toe tension, I now hold hope that at some point I will experience a hug without feeling terror, or that I will be able to “spoon” with my husband without hyperventilating.

I may be expecting too much from the experience of just one hour, but I would pay exorbitant sums of money just to continue to feel the hope that I could potentially have a shred of normalcy in my life – and to be able to reclaim even one more tiny piece of what was taken from me that awful night.

I really just wanted to share that even although I was expecting to feel a physical change – I left feeling physically the same as ever – but what an absolutely life altering moment for me. Hope is a powerful thing and I hope you all realize the tremendous impact you have!


P.S. – Thank you for the silent support while I lurked around before my appointment – that gave me the courage to go through with things (I hope that’s not creepy).

 

[Kat]

Most powerful hour of my life - long, but worth it (I hope)

What a powerful and touching story. Thank you so much for sharing! It's often said that we live in a touch-deprived world (appropriate touch anyway) and it's so easy to forget how healing appropriate touch can be, both physically and mentally/emotionally and even spiritually. It's very uplifting to see, read, and hear about such success stories and reminds me how much I love this work.

By the way, it's not creepy that you lurked around. A lot of people do!

 

[Pompal 09.]

Most powerful hour of my life - long, but worth it (I hope)

I'm happy I was able to give you a lift! I don't think I can really adequately put into words the impact this has had on me, but this is the closest I can come to a giant "Thank You" to anyone who could be providing such a beautiful gift to others.

 

[Kathryn]

Most powerful hour of my life - long, but worth it (I hope)

I'm happy I was able to give you a lift! I don't think I can really adequately put into words the impact this has had on me, but this is the closest I can come to a giant "Thank You" to anyone who could be providing such a beautiful gift to others.

Thank you for sharing that beautiful experience! I hope you continue to receive regular massage and feel begin to feel safe to explore (and enjoy!) other forms of touch and relaxation in the rest of your life, for the rest of your life!

 

[kori p]

Most powerful hour of my life - long, but worth it (I hope)

Thank you for sharing your experience! I am so happy that you tried massage and the effect that it had! I also hope you continue to receive regular massage and continue to experience the beauty of safe, healing touch.

 

[The Grand Inquisitor]

Most powerful hour of my life - long, but worth it (I hope)

I was moved to tears reading what you posted.
I'm sorry for the trauma you experienced, and for the effect it's had on you.
I admire your courage and persistence, your ability to "keep on keeping on."
I appreciate that you took the time to share your experience with all of us.
THIS is why I changed careers to do what I'm doing.
Thank you.

P.S. I hope you'll continue to have good experiences with massage and with healing, appropriate touch in the future!

 

[sexy_solo2]

Most powerful hour of my life - long, but worth it (I hope)

I am overwhelmed with the kindness and encouragement in all the replies and PMs. Thank you just doesn't seem enough.

I have made another appointment to go back. I don't know if I will ever relax - I'm not sure it's even possible after all this time - but I will continue to go back just to be able to feel touch the way normal people do. That's enough for now, and with time, hopefully I can build on that.

We shall see where the journey leads, but I have hope that it will be somewhere beautiful.

 

[Snizz -o- cranky]

Most powerful hour of my life - long, but worth it (I hope)

Thank you for sharing that with us!

I'd like to open up the possibility for you to experience the complete healing you may not dare hope for... while no one can predict what will or won't happen, the universe of bodywork is enormous and filled with modalities that can help you release the tension and trauma you speak of. Seek them, explore them. Hold space for miracles.

 

[Jay T (UK)]

Most powerful hour of my life - long, but worth it (I hope)

Thank you for sharing too, it also moved me to tears. We sometimes forget what a profound effect our touch has on others. I'll hold space for you that you continue to heal and remember what it is like to feel normal again.

I agree with Josh, there is an array of healing modalities out there and the perfect one is just waiting for you to be able to release your traumas and fears.

Kudos to you for coming as far as you have.

 

[reis]

Most powerful hour of my life - long, but worth it (I hope)

Fabulous new things have happened each of the times I have been back. I can stretch now – like when you yawn and stretch, and I have felt sensations that I now believe to be what “good” feels like. Once I even sighed – not like a pressure gasket about to blow, but like a release of something – and then I felt a tiny bit of space – in my body and in my mind. It was fantastic! I feel so much more now – I feel parts of my body and feelings in my body that I haven’t felt before, I even feel my clothes – in a way I never have before. I’ve also become very acutely aware of all the ways I don’t take care of myself, and feeling them in a way that is making me change that. It’s a surreal experience to realize you’ve not really ever felt your own self before – and you didn’t even realize you weren’t feeling yourself.

But it’s not all sunshine and roses. I have anxiety to the point of panic when I lie on my back – so much so that we abandoned that for now and have added it to the very long list of “things we’re working up to”. There are lots of surfaces of my body where I don’t allow her to touch, and more where certain types of touch are difficult for me. And the most puzzling to me is that none of the “gains” extend beyond the table – I’m not even comfortable doing the talking part of our visits unless the desk or table is in between us.

You are correct –the universe of bodywork is enormous and it’s also somewhat overwhelming (for me anyway). There are so many choices – and terms that don’t always seem to mean the same thing to different people – and trying to determine why one would choose one modality over another is enough to make my head hurt. Where I struggle is in understanding what happens exactly during these assorted modalities – like blow-by-blow, what could I expect. I think I need to work through a whole lot of stuff on my list of “things we’re working up to” before I can branch out and before I could even understand how my list of things might impact my treatment. But I’m really Ok with that.

In the month since I’ve started this, my entire outlook on life has changed. I’ve experienced so many beautiful things that I never thought I would and so many things I didn’t realize I wasn’t feeling already. There are no words to express the joy I feel as a result. But, I’m a long way from the point where I could feel comfortable just trying something out. I will get there – but it might be a while. In the mean time, I’m going to soak up every experience along the way, because it’s been a beautiful journey thus far. I no longer just have hope; I now fully believe that I WILL heal from this. Maybe not next week, maybe not even next year – but it will happen. And that feeling is even more powerful than hope. As far as I’m concerned, the miracles have already started.