My Joke Thread

[adore_my_angora]

(Lame)
Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn

- During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot.

- His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue dispenser.

- When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down."

- Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."

- He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.

- Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee.

- When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her."

- You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas.

- As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.

- During ***, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!"

- His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you... he pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.

 

[zazugrey]

A man was in a long line at the grocery store.

As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, "What size condoms?"

The customer replied that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his pants.

He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.

When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his pants.

He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."

A few customers back was this teenage boy.

He thought what he had seen was way too cool.

He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his pants and he did.

She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...

"Cleanup, register 5!"

 

[eldridan]

HER DIARY-HIS DIARY

HER DIARY-Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.

When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. he seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do, I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today the Lakers lost, but at least I got laid.

 

[Primitive Again]

:lmao: I hadn't hard that one since I was kid! :clap

 

[mqerxufoibpimbewh]

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.

The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have se.x?"

The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."

--------------------------------------------------
Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says,
"You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her **** was just like a pickle."
"What," the other asks, "green?".
"No," says the first, " a bit sour."

-------------------------------------------------
Just after a woman gives birth to her baby, the doctor asks if she wants the good news or the bad news.

"The bad news, doctor", replies the mother.

"It's ginger", says the doctor.

"So what's the good news?!"

"It's dead."
--------------------------------------

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only two, but f.uck knows how they got in there.

------------------------------------
What's got 100 balls and fu.cks rabbits?
A shotgun.

------------------------------------------------

What is green and smells of pork?
Kermit's fingers.

 

[forgetful]

Just got this one, thought it was clever, not real funny, but.........

The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me

And there you are,

sitting on your ass,

at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice

 

[devismutuellensy]

lol funny one bro............

 

[Black Magic]

:

your joke made the lemonade i was drinking come out of my nose

 

[mary c]

Instead of filling the forum over time, I thought of opening just 1 thread for all my joke's i'll add when they come.

At a south American wildlife park the staff acquire a very rare species of gorilla which was thought to be extinct. This female gorilla was being planned to be part of a breeding program but no males could be found. A couple of months into the captivity of the gorilla, the keepers were beginning to worry over the female stressing herself out because she did not have a mate, so the staff came up with an idea, the cleaner at the wildlife park was a low-life weirdo, so the staff approached him with a proposition, they asked him to mate with the female gorilla for $500. the cleaner thought about it and said "ok I’ll do it but with a few condition's" the staff agreed, he went on "You must tell nobody I had s.ex with a gorilla and you gotta give me a week to get you the $500"