AN OPEN LETTER TO: "THE MUNICIPALITY OF WHACKERS' LICENCING AND STANDARDS".
To whom it may concern.
Hi, my name is Leah and I'm writing on behalf of all my whacker friends in Toronto.
First of all, I would just like to say that we're all very sorry about sitting on our bows that were glued to our a**es last year. We really didn't mean to. I swear, we tried sitting on one side of our a**, then the other side of our a**, but then, we just got really sleepy so we all ended up sitting on our bows. And we're all really sorry for stinking up our bows too, but the beans you kept on feeding us didn't really agree with our stomach you know. I realize we already complained about the potatoes the year before but seriously, do you know how much carbs is in one of those? So this year, we're just wondering if we can have some bottled water and carrots sticks instead. Celery sticks would be O.K. too. Oh, and maybe you can keep some cranberry juice around too in case some of us start P.M.S.ing or something.
And also, we think stapling the bows on our foreheads is a much better than glueing it to our a** like last year. But can we have just pink or red bows this year. Some of us were unhappy with the green, blue, and yellow bows that we got last time. Especially the yellow ones. I mean, it was o.k. before we sat on them but after we squashed them, from afar, it kinda looked liked we sh*t our pants or something. Plus, I think pink and red makes us look prettier. We promise to be careful and not squish them. We even got pins to pin up our hair.
Oh, and since you're raising our licencing fees by $11 for next year, we're wondering if you can leave us with some donut thingys... you know, the thing that floats on water and looks like a donut. Because some of us when we were swimming back, we got really tired from swimming and we didn't really have anything to hold to. So maybe instead of giving us name tags (which were pretty useless anyways since we all have about 20 different names that we use at the 20 different spas we're working at and we're all calling each other by our different names, none of them like the one (our real name) you put on our tags, it just got us all confused. We prefer to go by our fake names you know), we're wondering if you can use that money to buy us some of those donut thingys instead.
Oh, and last but not least, can you guys play that "Pretty Woman" movie again. It's every whacker's favourite movie. I know, I know, we request that movie EVERY year, but we just REALLY like it. Gives us some hope you know.
Anyways, hope you have a wonderful Christmas. We all love Toronto!!
Sign,
Leah and all my whacker friends.
(This post is dedicated to all our fellow whackers who will be "sent home for Christmas". We all love you and miss you. Hope you have a good holiday there and a safe swim back to Toronto. Oh, and don't forget so use the donut thingys.)
BTW, we use the term whackers as a playful term to refer to ourselves. Hey... sometimes, we just have to be able to laugh at ourselves and make light of our situation. The term whacker is not suppose to be derogatory in anyway so sorry if I offended anybody by that term.