Relationship? Marriage? Single? or a 1 player?

[rich935]

Smylee. Looks like you don't seem to understand. Your answer not the one some of us raised with step fathers will answer to. Its ok you don't know better cause you didn't have to grow up with it. Be careful what you say cause. Never mind you have too much ego on your reply. If you had to live with it you would have second thoughts.

 

[moochie]

I wouldn't do it!

I often wondered if I would be able to be involved with a woman that had child(ren). 10 years ago, I would have said yes. Now, absolutely, positively not! I'm not interested in having any of my own, so why would I want anyone elses.

Kids are wonderful, but I like the ones that I can spoil and send them home! I've worked with, volunteered and coached kids for many years and I've had enough of other people's children.

It appears that these two children have behaviour modification issues, and you work opposite shifts! "Adventures in babysitting"

A1 player, I won't give you any advice because you've gotta do what is best for you. If you go back and read all of your post, you've mentioned many situations that just don't jive:
1. Opposite shifts.
2. Her parents won't take both.
3. Sounds like there's autism (I could be wrong)
4. The other is a whiner.
5. You have no down time.
6. Babysitters won't come back.

Where is their biological dad?

Maybe, you need nanny911?

 

[Pompal 09.]

Maybe it is possible that the problem child will ''slow down'' as he grows older or is there not some medication that he could be put on?

I'm usually not a fan of meds for kids but this seems to be an extreme case.

 

[James J]

A1, you seem like a good man and parent. Since you have kids of your own, being a step dad to other children is even more of a responsibility.

If you love her, I would think that helping her take care of her kids is do-able, but since this involves her biological children and not yours, there's nothing wrong with getting help for this personal family situation involving an extended family, and seeking downtime for yourself or both of you.

Your pain may be eased once you've had a talk with her about all of this, but do your homework with respect to outside help beforehand. Make sure you have a plan and can answer questions. Don't go to the table unprepared.

If she rejects your concerns after adequately explaining your position, then and only then would you consider some of the opposing views raised herein if you can't otherwise resolve things.

Communication is the first (and perhaps, hardest) step in solving your dilemma.

You can only abort if you fail to try and fix things.

 

[Tatiana Alveal [Peace.]]

I think it's great that so many of you had wonderful experiences with your stepdads.

I just don't think it creates an obligation for the OP.

 

[Matthew Ocean]

Welcome to the board . So because you were raised happily by a step dad it means that every guy needs to take on someone else's troubled kids if they get involved with the mother ? Certainly not the way I see it and my experience has been to see how it nearly ruined one man's life so if you want to discuss the merits of A1's position please jump in .

I'm giving you one free pass on the cheap shots and the warning to " be careful what you say " ( God this is killing me ) but you might want to take your own advice .

Note to the thread fuckers ( I knew I couldn't last long ) try sticking to the OP's situation . You can start your own thread on how great your own step dad was . I expect if this continues we will soon hear about the step dad who wasn't so nice .


Jesus Christ . I just looked out my window and there's a bunch of guys carrying placards that say " Smylee doesn't support being a step father " .

 

[kaybeeq]

The only thing I really have to add, and it's probably struck A 1 in hindsight, is that it's always far better to maintain some 'you space' especially when the 'love goggles' first go on, than to try carve it out later. Beyond the specifics of the situation (small high maintenance children) it desperately sounds like a reasonably long standing bachelor in need of some space of his own. (If not a physical space, a day a week to do his own thing, or whatever.)

Good luck carving that out after the fact, but I'd suggest it's better to try to have that chat in an honest, positive, and constructive way (if you love her) before you decide that living in a box is actually a better alternative. Like I said, she managed to 'manage' before you, so you should be able to at least reclaim a day or evening for yourself.

 

[Iceman]

Fair point.

I don't think anyone would get into a stressed situation by choice.

But once you're in, it's a different story. It ain't easy quitting on someone you love (if you are indeed in love).

 

[Cally]

Dont look at the placards Smylee- look at the cool penguins!::happy:

 

[Isabel]

I have to agree with Smylee, Sillygirl and OMG yes JB.

A relationship is hard enough when it's your own healthy children.

A1 has no obligation. People split up everyday, this is no different. Do what you think is best A1, you only go around once in this world bro.

 

[Jessica P]

I second most of what TOM and Nikki suggested.

At the end of the day, what you need to figure out is whether the goods of this relationship outweight the bads. Or, in other words, whether you are more happy in this relationship than unhappy.

The answer to this question will determine the course of action to follow.

If you decide that you are more happy than unhappy, than a serious and productive talk with your SO is in order. As TOM suggested, make it a positive talk: the focus should be on your love for her and your desire to make this relationship work, not on how much the kids are insufferable brats. You have kids of your own, so I assume that you understand that she will not be very receptive to your concerns if she hears what you say as a critique of her kids and/or of how she's raising them. Make it about you and your need for more space/alone time, rather than about how demanding and heavy maintenance the kids are.

Typically, people are more receptive to hearing unpleasant things in a relationship if you offer some solutions or options. It shows that you've put thoughts into the issue, and that your goal is not only to whine and bitch, but to take concrete steps to make it better. It also shows that you are taking responsibility to make the situation better, and that you are not expecting your partner to do all this work alone.

I also think that Nikki raises very good point re: the importance of getting those kids the professional help they need, both for their own sake (present and future), and for yours and your partner's sake.

Good luck.

 

[dudeydogdog]

Don't listen to all the wankers here. Lou is d man, take his advice.

 

[TonyWithLove]

That is one cools sweater the little guy is wearing :great: .

 

[caveman]

There is no easy or right/wrong answer.

My guess is that you have made up your mind that the relationship is no longer worth it and are looking for validation to leave.

The problem with dating single mom's is that you are not dating a woman, you are dating a family. You have to take the entire package, which can be a huge burden.

Are you finding that you are resenting the children for the time demands? for taking mom's attention away from you? resent that you can't do the things that you like because you are too busy looking after some other guy's child? If yes to any of those, then at some point in the future you will probably take some of those resentments and frustrations out on the kids. That will simmer under the surface, eating at you like some stinking rot, devouring your peace of mind.

You have returned to the Hobby and the boards. You are obviously not happy in the relationship.

Time to think about an exit strategy.

 

[Reslee]

Thanks for your input all.

Here is where I stand, and some answers to some of the questions that have been asked.

Yes I knew he had a disability before I entered the relationship, and yes I was ok with it. The unfortunate part is that one cannot really know to what extent the disability is until one lives with it on a daily basis. Over the course of a couple of hours it does not seem like such a big deal, but when one is faced with it 24/7 the little things compound. Anyone who says differently doesn't know shit about the situation. Yes the boy is both on drugs and in therapy, to the extent that we are able to pay. Much of this does not come cheaply, and we are not 'wealthy' to the extent that this does not hurt the bottom line, but we do what we are able to. As for the father, he passed away when the lad was a toddler, I am dating a widow, so of course no help from that angle.

I understand (probably better than most people), what it means to date a woman with children and to take on a new family. That is one of the things I thought long and hard about before entering the relationship. I have kids myself. Would a single woman be able to get into a relationship where the man had kids and have to take on a family? Would she understand that the kids ALWAYS come first? Would she want kids of her own some day? Does she understand what having kids entails, and that you can't just send them home at the end of the day? These are all things I thought carefully about before dating a woman with children. There are those that think a woman with children is 'damaged goods'. Could the same be said for a man with children? I believe no.

To anyone that thinks I don't love these kids, you have no idea. The decision that I have to make not only affects myself, but my SO, her kids, my kids, and to an extent my ex-wife as well. Though I do love these kids to death, is it fair to my own children that their life has changed so drastically? There are times I do not see my own kids as I am at doctors appointments, school functions, or babysitting (parenting) my new family. No, I do not have animosity for these two kids, that is not like me. They are both very loving children that deserve nothing but the best. The issue is with me. Am I capable of providing (long term) the love guidance and affection that these children require without sacrificing either myself, or any of the other people involved. That is the big question.

No I have not made up my mind, no I am not just looking for justification, no I have not started seeing escorts again as an escape.

Again, I have to think this well out, as the consequences of my actions (either decision I make), will drastically affect the lives of many of the people I love. I did not jump into this relationship both feet first, I thought long and hard about every aspect of it. Unfortunately, one can not predict the future and be able to see how things will 'really' unfold. Again, I do love these children, but the decision that I make must be in the best interest of EVERYONE involved, not just myself.

ps. Thanks for all the input folks, and for keeping the discussion civil and sane. You have all given me some very good points to consider.

 

[Mamma of 3]

I'm really late weighing in on this one a1p. I find it very difficult to give good advice on complex matters such as this in this type of forum. There are so many variables that can't be properly communicated in just a few paragraphs.

Based on your last post, you're looking at the entire situation with great objectivity and you understand how your decision will affect everyone. Unfortunately, that doesn't make the decision any easier. It's just one of those incredibly difficult life choices that you have to make. And the sooner its made, the better off you'll be.

I will say this... Whatever choices you make, try to make sure that they include time for yourself. The people in your life need you at your best, not at your burnt out, wits end.

Best of luck.