Who Am I

[FarmerCec]

You know this therapy/self discovery stuff hurts like hell? Between the fear, uncertainty and confusion, I sometimes think staying depressed might have been the way to go, lol. I feel a lot better than I did last year, but I have no idea who I am any more.

I got to meet my one on one therapist yesterday. Last night and today I've been feeling very anxious and some what scared. Not of him, but what he represents. With the books and groups, I could coast along, absorb all I could, but really practice a small part of it. But Noe it feels like it's time for the rubber to meet the road, and real effort is about to begin.

I do look forward to it, but it also scares me as well. I'm looking at having to make major changes to how I see the world, how I interact with it, and basically who I am.

I don't know who I am any more. A lot of the things that used to define who I was, I've just walked away.

I know I need to start meeting my own needs. But outside of food and shelter, I don't know what they are.

As for sex...I will continue abstaining, until I can accept that I am able to accept that I am a sexual being with sexual needs. And learn how go about 'having sex with myself.

Now I'm quite a few have already gone through this before, and would be willing

 

[Pompal 09.]

You're right about it being hard work, I pointed out the self-help books you read were a waste of time because you didn't put them into practice in the past.

I know you can do this because you're able to focus, you proved that with your exercise program.
Good luck.

 

[Godsend]

You are in the right track by walking away from your old self. That was step # 1 now focus on finding what you like to do with your life. Not easy but like I said you are in the right track.

 

[Schooling You]

Good for you. Sometimes a person needs to reach out for a little outside help.

I've spent some long periods of in dark places, and I've walked away from the life I knew more than once. I've even managed to do both at the same time. In my case(s) after a period searching and more than a little navel gazing I slowly forced myself back out into the world. The one lesson that has stuck with me is that sometimes family, friends, and lovers really don't cut it. They all tend to be 'too well meaning', and too invested in their notion of who you are. The other side of that coin is that you don't want to be a burden.

Much of my recent past has been dedicated to not letting myself get to really dark places or feeling a deep need to walk away from my (whole) life. That's the sort of thing that requires both some self reflection and some action. Too much of either and you're not helping yourself. I think, in a case like yours, where you are having some trouble 'getting back into your life', reaching out to a 3rd party can be a very good idea. So, like I said, good for you.

 

[globeweasel]

Dave, keep thinking positive and wank yourself once a day only :happy:.

 

[imyour101]

When in doubt, have a beer :bad:.

 

[Stacey M]

Buddy a lot of us don't know who we are at times and we all have issues. Take the high and the lows and try to live a peaceful but good life. Learn to focus your energy into the positive attributes that you have.

 

[Tom Odda]

I would disagree slightly with you Auggie. While not putting their info in to practice did limit their usefulness, I did assimilate their information. The combined information is clicking together, such as schemas and Nice Guy Syndrome.

I still find the exercises to be difficult, as it requires me to go against my 'nature', and often requires the use of "safe people" which I lack.


And Bubba, I often don't have time to masturbate as of late.

Phantom, I don't know what my positive attributes are, lol

 

[nickname]

To quote the great Frank Zappa... You are what you is.

You are...

Your thoughts
Your actions
How you treat people
How you allow yourself to be treated

Of course, depending on the situation, you might act and think differently at times. Just add this all into the mix, and find (paraphrasing statistics), the mean, median and mode, and that is who you are. Do this with every personality trait you can think of, but be honest, you will find out who you are; and more importantly what you need to change to be the person you want to be.

The best therapist I ever went to taught me this.

 

[Mumsey]

In my experience, I have found it more productive to try figuring out who I want to be and how to get there, than trying to figure out "who I am".

"Being" is always a work in progress.

 

[Yvonne K]

Unfortunately, I'm not too sure who I want to be either. I'd say CG, but the jobs already taken, lol.

When figuring out who you want to be do you try for a large picture, or just increments/elements? Ie I'd like to be like CG, or I'd like to be fit, confident, etc

If I was to go with a large picture, I don't know....

For elements...I'd like to be fit, assertive, not ashamed of being sexual/learn to enjoy sex, comfortable around people, able to take a compliment...To quit getting distracted by this woman on AFF masturbating on her web cam....Wait where was I.


This is where it would be nice to have a safe person to brain storm with...Or a nice set of breasts pressed to my face to distract me, lol

 

[peking]

You will waste your whole life looking for who you are if you let it by sitting and wondering. You are what you do.

" I think therefore I am"

Time does not wait has you sit and wonder.
You are out there go search and find you.
Have fun searching for you. It is like hide in seek. You find you in places you never knew you would be.:kiss:

 

[Merideth]

Unfortunately, "out there" is a scary place for me. My world pretty much consists of home, work and the gym.

In retrospect, I realize Genevieve was correct back in the summer, about me punishing myself. I just torture myself with fitness.

 

[Crissy S]

[When figuring out who you want to be do you try for a large picture, or just increments/elements? Ie I'd like to be like CG, or I'd like to be fit, confident, etc

If I was to go with a large picture, I don't know....

For elements...I'd like to be fit, assertive, not ashamed of being sexual/learn to enjoy sex, comfortable around people, able to take a compliment...To quit getting distracted by this woman on AFF masturbating on her web cam....Wait where was I.

I think you're on the right path already, maybe some of it is big picture and some small elements that you have already identified.
I cant imagine that you could perfectly imagine the exact way you will want to be at this point.
Many of the goals would probably be somewhat abstract, by which I mean since you dont feel you have experienced these things yet, you cant be sure if they are what makes you happy, or what the actual experience will be like vs how you imagine it to be. As you get closer to your goals you will be able to fine tune your direction.

Im not trying to sound negative or make you more apprehensive. What you have done now is already alot. You have identified some problems, areas for change, and experienced the accompanying anxiety of honest self examination. You have established a direction of movement, and therefore can probably see steps to take to move you forward. Take these steps, you may misstep at times but you can adjust your course as you move forward. Simultaneously moving towards your goals and fine tuning the destination.

Someone once told me that most people are locked in the planning stage of life, while life happens to them and they react.
The phrase should not be ready ...aim ...fire, but infact ready...fire ...aim...Actuate, take those first steps and adjust direction as you go.

I think it was Gen who said that the "present is a work in progress" or something to that affect.

Best wishes on the Journey. I cant imagine there will be anything easy about it, but take pride in the fact you choose to change, breaking the inertia may not neccessarily be the hardest part but it is the essential part.

 

[SiderealDrift]

Well, in my case, what I've found productive is to think about qualities that I admire in people around me, and to actively try to work toward incorporating those qualities in my own personality or way of being.

For example, I have a good friend who is the most caring and empathic person I know. It's something that I find quite admirable, and I'd love for people around me to think the same of me. So, in situations that ask for it, I look at this friend for inspiration on how to act/what to say. Kind of "What Would Jesus Do?", but instead of Jesus who I don't know, I take examples of people around me.

I also allow myself to fuck up, and remind myself that I'm more than the sum of my mistakes. But that too takes work. Active work.

 

[XshadyX]

Dave;
Everyone has offered some excellent advice, please allow me to offer mine.

Finding the persona that is within you or the persona that you wish to become can be a daunting experience, but do not be scared of that individual. The person you are becoming or will become is just another incarnation or manifestation of yourself.
For example-
If you want to be the guy that goes to a different club every weekend and hooks up with someone new. It's not going to happen. (sorry Dave you are not that guy)
Be the person you are. That is the best anyone can achieve, being true to yourself is ones greatest achievement.

I have much more to write but I have had a few wobbly-pops and I am not sure that I am making sense. In the past I have been through many of the issues you are facing, feel free to PM me Dave I believe you could benefit from someone that has struggled through these issues before.

 

[krishnamoorthynagarajan]

Unfortunately, I have a very small social circle. And the people with some of the qualities I do wish to possess take them a little too far. Ie assertive - they are bossy, or come across as bullies.



There's two lines I remember my Dad telling me...."Do it right, or don't do it at all," and "can't you do anything right?" I realize I'm human, and humans make mistakes...But I don't allow myself to make mistakes. And around here it's the mistakes they remember....



Tourist, I can't see myself being a pick up artist, lol. Then again, I can't see myself being a horny fuck machine like HOF either....On the other hand, if you had of asked me two years ago, if I'd ever get laid, I would have said no. LOL

I can understand the need to not be scared of the person I'm becoming, but it's easier said than done. I've always been afraid of who I am, because I've always felt there was something wrong with me. That's part of why I don't socialize or date. I'm afraid of letting people too close to me, in case they see that defect as well, and they will reject/abuse/humiliate me because of it.

And don't ask me what it is, I honestly don't know. I think Dr Glover, in No More Mister Nice Guy, summed it up best though in saying that Nice Guys feel they are "bad" at the core.

 

[venu61]

I hear that having a dog makes the person more self assured and more sociable. Can anyone confirm if this is true.

 

[AlinamE]

Unfortunately, Mc Guinty, I have dog and cat allergies.

 

[American Woman]

Well I've spent the last few days thinking, and to some degree feeling. I like to come here to 'talk out loud' just to get others' input, thoughts and spins.

Glover called Nice Guys vagiphobs and that they were inclined to 'flirting without fucking'. Basically they'll engage in flirtatious behavior, but when things heat up they quickly retreat. It took a bit to realize I do this. Mostly because I can't flirt in person. But I sure as hell do it online. Be it in Adult Friend Finder's or the other board's chat. I'll chatter and flirt poorly the the various ladies...But when the invite comes to do it in person, I quickly engage in excuse-gymnastics as to why I couldn't. I'm afraid to follow through.


I can't figure out why I'm so obsessed with sex? For a long time, and to a certain degree even now, I have believed sex is something other people have, but not me. I've had it, and I guess overall I've been underwhelmed with it. Am I making more of it that it really is? Is what I'm missing a result of sex with strangers and not with some one of importance? Or maybe I'm just expecting more of it.

Glover also says Nice Guys have trouble accepting themselves as sexual beings. I don't really know what a sexual being is. I certainly don't see mysel as a sexual person, that's for sure. I see myself as an academic perv. I have twisted Percy thoughts, and think of sex a lot. But when it comes time to put pecker to pussy....