My body aches and head is pounding as I crawl over my daugter to look at the clock. 4:30 a.m. Again.
I start a checklist of everything I need to do today. Morning massage appt, check.... clean up around apartment, check, another appointment, check, get study sheet ready for clinic tonight, check, wash sheets to take to clinic... oh darn, have more laundry and have to leave by 3 pm for clinic.
A pain shoots from my jaw to my neck and I wince. A broken tooth has been broken for 2 years now but the dentist wants more than I will pay so I left it. Now its haunting me.
I look at the clock. 5 a.m.
Struggling off the bed I tread softly to the bathroom. Warm pee flows smoothly and I sigh contently but back in bed I hear a noise and remember when I was robbed.
Heart racing out of control I jump up and watch the door intently but nothing is wrong.
"Mama you do this every night, says sleepyhead as she groggily eyes me. Go back to sleep I have school in the morning!"
I think of what little money I have going to the landlord this week for that new apartment.
Heart starts pounding uncontrollably. Omg what am I doing? With this economy what am I thinking? I try not to start crying but cant help it.
The brat puts her face into her pillow and screams.
Thinking ill feel better come 7 am I try to fall back into a very fitful sleep but have nightmares and get up at 6.
My appointment leaves me a message.
" I just lost my job yesterday and cant make it today Im sorry I have to cut back".
omg the fear comes rushing back.
UNBELIEVABLY and this is no lie, my OTHER appointment calls and says the same exact thing but he is coming for a half hour instead of an hour because he will have to cut back too.
I imagine myself taking on this responsability of a new apartment upstairs only to not be able to pay it all and I feel like Im going to throw up.
Getting dizzy, I put my head between my legs.
Do other massagegirls have the same fears that I do?
I know girls who are making 20k a MONTH but thats not me.
I weigh the pros and cons.
Continue working only 9 to 3 everyday when most people dont even start coming until 1 pm...and keep struggling.
Work anytime of the day or night someone calls but have ALOT more money to pay every month for that privilage.
Will I just break even? If so why bother... summer is coming up, very slow time of year for my work.
My fear is closing in on me...what do I do, take the apartment or not?
Ultimately I will because why not take a risk because you are afraid.
Whats the worse that can happen? Ill lose my workspace and go back to working bad hours I suppose.
I feel for everyone right now. Things are rough and I dont know how men do it having families ... I dont know how I do it myself lol. It makes me appreciate my massageplanet guys all the more though!