Walking in my door I sense his vulnerability. My heart instantly aches and he hasnt started talking yet.
He nervously babbles to me and I motion for him to take off his coat.
He has so many problems Im intimidated and though we talk and I listen to him ... I feel something holding me back.
Once on the bed I sense he wants more than I am willing to give him.
Whats wrong with me?
Why am I holding back from a man I can tell needs this?
Now that I have thought about it for a few hours, I realize it was my intimidation that he seemed to expect me to make it all better.
Worried I wouldnt live up to expectations I shied away when he tried to touch... I pulled my face away when he came closer and I felt that wall come down when he looked at me like he wanted answers.
I studied him after it was all over, when the light was on and I could see his expression up close.
Omg I made a mistake.
The pain in his eyes nearly brings tears to mine.
This isnt a man just looking for a happy ending...this man has real emotional pain behind those beautiful liquid blue eyes.
Being very very VERY good with intuition and instinct, I just know that he has had many disappointments.
In a rush to finish up the getting dressed part so I can head out to the gym... I decide to put that aside and give this man a real human connection.
The wall comes down and I hug him, sensing he doesnt really want that intimacy but when he tries to gently pull out of my grip, I hold on through his nervous laugh.
He tries again and I keep him in my arms and hold on tight.
He doesnt realize that Im literally willing all the love I have in my heart and compassion, Im willing it to flow from my body onto his.
Fuck the gym, this guy needs time.
I tell him to sit so I can really talk to him and see if I can get down to what is really bothering this man. He closes up though and says he cant be late for work.
I fucked up.
I could have probably helped this man in pain by being more open and agreeable to him on a physical level and I wasnt. I could have just lie down beside him given him some human warmth and I didnt.
I hope this man, whever he is right now, at least knows I wanted to heal him.