How Do I Release Repressed Anger?

[jerseyshorelover]

I can really empathise with you Queensmeadgirl; I am going through the same thing. I am in the same place right now, and no Amethystcave I for one cannot cope with the mess, I like everything to have a place and everything to be in its place. OK it too goes back to when I was very young; I was the peace keeper (when my father was in a bad dark mood) and was never expect to do anything in life. I was told on leaving school that the best I could do was work in a shop and it was a waste me going to college I would never get any qualifications, think that is why I collect them now, I have 47 now, from art to IT I have GSCE English B and now my latest VTCT Level 3 in Aromatherapy. Always had the feeling that people where saying “there there do not worry about that you would not be able to do it anyway” I was not clever enough to do it, just too thick to learn, by the way I am dyslexic. Ok I do not think I am a negative person, but I just went with the flow and anything for an easy life – still do but I am trying hard to overcome that. I have always been able to keep my house tidy, not clean but not dirty. Lately I have had health problems and let my house go and I do not know where to start to get it back to tidy let alone get it clean. I have in the past done a few course “Personal Development” and the like, I am looking at my notes on these courses has they look at your past life to see why you are like you are. I am also doing a life coaching course, hope it will help. The counselling courses did help while I was doing them but I just went on drifting along again. I have started to “To do lists” that I have said I would do but if something came up and I could not finish the days tasks I would not beat myself up about it and give up. The tasks are very small like wash up, dry up, make bed etc. Very slowly I am doing the list and part of the list is to sort out the mess in one room even if it is only for half an hour. My niece put my name down the “How clean is your house” treatment but the researcher said my house sounded really messy but not dirty and may not be dirty enough to go on the program. There is/was another program called “Life Laundry” which deals/dealt with houses that are not dirty but very messy with rooms that are cluttered with stuff, but I do not think it is recorded/made now. Maybe we could help each other. I try and keep these thoughts in my head I am not thick, I am able to learn, I am able to do things and I am worthy of respect and to respect myself for what I have done and what I can do, but it is so hard after so many years, do not think most people can understand why anyone would put themselves down, but it is easy when what has been your life for a long time and no one has really tried to build you up in a good way. I hope my ramblings help you in some small way, you are not the only one and you can come through it, has will I, one day soon I hope. Good luck and my thoughts are with you.

 

[Neetish]

I do associate housework with being a drudge, being like my mother, getting ill and getting old before my time. I always feel SO hard done by when I'm doing lt and think 'I shouln't have to be doing this!' as though it's sort of beneath me.

To be honest I've thought in the past about getting a cleaner but that wouldn't solve the root of the problem and I think it's the root of the problem I need to get to and then that will solve a lot of other probelms re my procrastination at the same time...

Once that is solved I would happily get a cleaner if I still wanted to because it would be because I wanted to, not because I was copping out...

 

[Gold Fish]

Hi Silverbroomrider,

Thankyou for your post. It's something that many people just want to admit to...not having a tidy home!!!

People do not realise the impact they have on the life on another. When you are young you're at your most impressionable and if you don't get the right encouragement and support it makes life more of a battle than it should be.
I'm so glad you are now making progress and have gained qualifications that prove to you that you ARE NOT thick or a person who won't achieve much. you're a person who absorbed these negative messages at that impressionable age and that would have an effect on anyone.
Recognising the problem and where it stems from is half the battle. Just think how many people are out there who just think 'I'm not clever so there's no point in trying' rather than realising they're just falling for the lies they've been repeatedly fed.

I have fallen into that trap of beating myself over the 'laziness' and now can't belive it's taken so long for the penny to drop that it's a deeper issue than that. From now on instead of beating myself up about not tidying up, or not making that call etc I'm going to discuss with myself sensibly what is really going on and why I am not doing what I want to do in order to progress in that particular area of my life..I have a feeling it will involve more than a few talks with my teenager self!!

I am positive you and I will both crack this. It may take time and be a different way of cracking for both of us but I don't doubt itxx

 

[Deeana]

Another thing worth mentioning...I have wondered if this is an hereditary trait of mine.

I was not raised by my biological mother but I know a fair bit about her.

She came from a well off family and her mother and her sister always had a beatiful spotlessly clean house.

My biological mother's house used to be a pigsty. Her level went down into quite bad uncleanliness and it extended to her personal hygiene and dress.

I have wondered why she should be so different from the rest of her 'clean' family.

I know when she was 16 she got preganant and her mother forced her to have the baby adopted. Back in the early 60's to be pregnant at this young age and a single mum was a terrible shameful thing and my grandma had quite high status in the area.

I wonder if being forced to give up her baby was one of the reasons behind her letting her cleanliness go downhill forever after. She also ened up having a total of 8 children including me and my older brother, the one she was made to adopt.

She lost me when I was two and said she was devastated and I got the feeling she had more and more kids to try to replace the gaps that me and my brother had left, although of course you never could...

 

[a.s.a.p.]

You see Sliverbroomrider you and I have more similariities and it makes me feel like anger and resentment, repressed rage and actually repressed personal power in younger years has a lot to do with this issue we both experience.

My adoptive parents were either not speaking or were aruging. There was never any conversation in the house between themand I neve once saw them laugh or be affectionate with eachother in all the years I saw them together - my adoptive dad died when I was 11.

Luckily there was a large family around us and people always calling in the house who bought much needed balance and laughter and normality but the times when it was just us three in the house must have affected me.


Having said that I cannot imagine what it must have been like for you to be forced into giving your baby up for adoption. It is something that must cause you pain everyday and you must wonder what he or she is like if you have never had any contact with them. I had a talk with my biological mother when I was 27 and I could see she felt guilty all those years for letting me go. I had to tell her that she had nothing to feel guilty about as I did not blame her in anyway. This was easy as it was absolutely true.

I don'tknow if this helps you and after what i have said about my adoptive parents it may seem strange but this is 100% absolute truth..

Not once, even for a milliisecond have I ever wished I had stayed where I was or even wondered what it would have been like if I had stayed with my mum..I had trials and painful things to deal with in my adoptive family but it wasn't all like that...it just seems it because it's those dark aspects I am focusing on here....I had a lot of happiness and fun and good times and although I feel terribly sorry for my real mum that I was taken away I am glad that I taken away because I am glad I ended up with this family. I would not choose it any other way. There are too many people I would not have met and too many experiences I would not have had if I had stayed with my real mum and nothing would make me want to miss out on those, even though there was also upleasant alongside it. I look back and I believe I was meant to be raised by this family, I truly feel that. I just hope my real mum knew I was being honest with her and she did get some peace in her heart before she died which was two years ago.



I think I saw a few episodes of Life Laundry and iif I remember properly it was a much more interesting programme than Kim and Aggie as they only just tackle the dirt and the mess and the perpetrators are just called 'mucky pups' with no insights as to why they are like this whereas Life Laundry linked the two together and did come up with some very interesting results. I remember crying at one but I can't rememer anything about it now though it must have resonated with me.

It's like people who hoard stuff and fill their place with stuff, there is some reason behind it, not just that they like lots of stuff.

I don't have a problem with hoarding as am very good with chucking things out - I'm more likely to chuck something out that I need rather then hang onto stuff I never use; it's just keeping the stuff I've got neat and tidy that's the issue!!! In fact, to be honest, if it were left to me I would prefer to have no stuff at all....well..apart from books!!!

I have shifted mountains of emotional 'issue' stuff in the past three years and this is just more coming up and will be also shifted and ousted out. I always know I'm halfway there when I become aware that there is a problem and what the likely cause of the problem is. It's like climbing higher and higher up the mountain and the higher I get the more beautiful the vista becomes. I keep thinking I must be near the top but then something else appears for me to deal with but it's good as shedding each load leaves me feeling lighter and I do wonder how much better can it get??

I d

 

[Peggy P]

There are two or three “Life Laundry’s” I can remember Two are similar. Both had issues regarding parents one could not her music go and for the other it was her books. There was another I think here uncle brought her up, he was wealthy and lived in a big house and travel a lot he was a publisher, but lose his money and the house.

Although I cannot forgive my father, I have forgiven my mother. Had she stood up for me I do not want to think about it. My father was the life and soul of any party, but behind closed doors that was different. There was no help from the state or charities with single parents then. I have seen my daughter even though I was told she was going to a loving and wealthy family, she did not feel loved and she was told that I was no good and a slut.In a nutshell she did not like her adoptive parents and did not forgive me. I wonder where she is now and hope she come to peace with herself and forgiven me for as she saw it abandoning her.

We too must have had happy times, but we took day at time, for we never knew what mood our dad would be in. Maybe that is why I just drift along.

Maybe you need to keep so neat, clean is because of your “real “mums pigsty. I think you are right she was in a way mourning the loss of your brother and yourself. OK you were alive but she had lost you. Maybe she was also rebelling against her clean and tidy mother and what had happed to her.

I am going through lots of emotionalstuff myself. My niece told me recently that my father had forgiven for having my daughter “out of wedlock”. I did not know that and said that I couldn’t forgive him for what he had done. If I was honest I think I was looking for love for neither my mother nor father could show love, do not think they knew how to. My mother may have felt it safer not just in case in enraged my father. My mum’s family did not have anything to do with us she had married "beneath her". My dads family did not have too much to do with us either, but their mum had died I do not know when, why or how. They seemed to have gone their own ways.

I like you am climbing a mountain, but I get so far and fall back down, but I will keep climbing back up. Because I know I will get to the top one day and see the view and smell the fresh air.

Yes I think I have read some of your earlier threads about I hope all goes well for you and your guide is right for you. You have been waiting a long time for it. I have heard of childhood sweethearts meeting and reuniting after many years apart. Thank you and I wish you the same. Remember one small step at a time.

 

[Jay M]

I am so sorry that your daughter had that attitude, sorry for her and sorry for you. I was constantly being told by my adoptive mother that my natural mother was 'no good' and 'slept around with lots of men' but I never seemed to really believe it or take it seriously. When I grew older and starting to view the situation from my biological mothers perspective, taking into account famililial pressure and the times she was living in I only felt sympathy for her situation.

I reacted rather badly a while back by someone who said we choose our challenges before we come into the earth plane, we agree to all the main events that affect our lives, the very people who hurt us the most are the ones who are doing us the biggest service in terms of our spiritual evolultion and therefore are giving us the greatest gift.

But I've come to firmly believe that that is exactly the case. I believe my mother was meant to release me to my current family and how it worked out is exactly how it was meant to be.

I believe you agreed to go through the challenges you went through with your family and agreed with your daughter before she was born that she would not be raised by you. Basically I think every close friend, family member or person who has a significant impact on us is part of the soul contract we entered into before we came here. It seems a mess but it isn't, it's the way it's supposed to be for the good of our soul purpose.

Your daughter may never understand while in this physical form but at some point in time, this will be recognised and seen for what it really is; a situation that was co created by both of you in a soul contract agreement. You'll both be in a postion to see the whole entire picture, not just tiny fragment of time that's your life span at the moment so there won't be any unfinished business or unresloved pain...it's just a question of when.

 

[wilster]

Very well put queensmeadgirl

 

[adultgirl]

why thankyou sir!!

 

[Dazzle.]

Hi Queensmeadgirl.

This thread is sogoodbecause of its honesty.....It has been interesting reading through it and seeing the clarity moments.

Just one thing I noticed. You went back to age 11 when feelings of unease came in, even though these could be traced back to the age of 4. You said that your adoptive father died when you were 11.
Could this be one of the root causes of your anger.....the fact that he left you with alone with your Mother?

It maybe helpfulto explore the relationship you had with him, and how his passing affected you. Even though your large family restored the balance, the feelings of loss, andthere could bebetrayal too, could besome of the cause ofthe 'angry teenager' within you.

I know your guidance has said to wait until Christmas, but it is important that you still get on with your life in the meantime.....and I speak from experience here.

Good luck Queensmeadgirl; you are doing great.

 

[Rochelle]

Hi Sarahk, Nice to 'see' you again. I always value your input on my rambling threads!!!

Well you know the overwhelmig feeling when my dad died was relief....sheer relief.

I remember lying in bed hearing his footsteps coming along the landing and dreading that he would come into my bedroom instead of his own which was next door to mine - he and my mother had separate rooms from when I was about 7 years old, osntensibly because of her snoring but in reality I do think he found her physically repulsive, well he told her so many times.

There was a lot of anger because she had lied to him about her age when they married so she was about ten years younger than she told him. He used to throw this in her face regularly when they argued saying 'you ugly old t**t! get into your rocking chair!!'

Anyway as I was saying, I rememer lying there my heart pounding in case he came in. I think when this started I was about 10 or 11 so it wasn't long after he died.

I truly don't think there was anything to fear or that he sexually abused me but there was one incident with him that happened that destroyed my trust in him.

He came in my bedroom one day when I was sitting on the bed upset with my mum and put his arm around me but instead of comforting me he fondled my breast through my clothes. I was mortified as you can imagine. I tried to push his hand aways and he said 'don't push me away'.

That is the only time I remember anything improper but that was enough to put me on red alert because I suppose he would start doing what my uncle had done.

So when he died I was truly relieved and since then I haven't ever thought of him much and when I do it's not with any great emotion in one way or the other. I just remember my trust being destroyed when he did that.

I always knew he wasn't my real dad but I always thought of him like that and he was my ally against my mother. I preferred him over my mother any day. But when he did that I think I stopped seeing him as my dad, just a man now I was scared of, so I suppose he died to me a while before he actually did die if that makes sense.

Looking back on him objectively as a person now I see that he was not a very nice in general because no decent man would have spoken to my mother and verbally abused her the way he did. I think he was hard and bitter and selfish and it was just an excuse about her lying about her age for the way he treated her. if it hadn't have been that it would have been something esle.

I felt free when he went and 11-12 is when I remember I started to feel good about myself and feel happy in who I was and then at 12 I met my childhood sweetheart and that boosted my confidence even more...

god I do ramble!!

 

[Fuzz]

You know I just realised I get angry at being forced into something I don't want.

I don't get that upset about my dad touching me inpproprately but it upsets me whenI think he did not move his hand away when I pushed it away and made it obvious I didn't like what was happening.

I think considering what I experienced as a child in the way of being forced to sit and endure abuse or being forced to keep quiet over abuse those feelings of extreme resentment and anger are underastandable, but I think that has now carried through to my adult life.

The only thing now is I think that I get disproportionatly resentful and angry in relation to what I feel I am being made to do.

Stuff I feel I am being made to do does not now come under the category of unreasonable demands.

The things I dig my heels in over and get disproportionatley rebellious against are 'normal' things that people just have to do in life..eg housework!!

I am very punctual and always keep appointments on time. I like to be thought of as that sort of person and I like other people to respect me enough to be puncutal. Yet I think of it now and if I have to be at a certain place at a certain time, even if it is somewhere I want to go, I get angry and agitated like my freedom has been taken away from me and suddenly the most attractive thing seems to be to cancel and stay at home or have a nap!

I left my work in a corporate enviroment because I just resented having to get up in the morning to have to go to work in a place I hated because I spent all day long doing stuff I had to do and resented.

I think this is a bigger problem than I first thought. I think this is why I set my self up and get determined to follow through on stuff I know 100% I want to do then a few months later I feel myself resenting it or pulling away from it in some way or thinking I am wasting my time and should be doing something different.

I have self sabotaged myself in this way many times.

Like I have always wanted to go to uni to get a degree. I know I want it. I know I can do it. I now have a place. It would not surprise me if a few months down the line I start getting conflcting thoughts like 'perhaps my time would be better spent earning money? or perhpas I should work for myself and skip the degree? do I really want this?'

It's that rebellious teenager V my grown up mature self again.

I don't know what to do about this you know!!

 

[mellie]

I crave freedom so much and in this earth plane total freedom is not possible. You just exchange on restriction for another. Like when I left my job, I exchanged the tryranny of being an employee for the tyranny of worrying about having less money!!

You would think I would be quite happy about the though of living some sort of uber alternative life style, wandering around in a caravan, doing cash in hand jobs here and there eg tarot reading, gardening, cleaning cars etc. and just drifting through life with as little demands on my time as possible but when I think of doing that, even if it work out in it's most idyllic sense...guess what happens?????

I suddenly feel what a total waste of my life that would be, to just drift and never capitalise on my talents or reach my full potential in life and just not amount to much in dreadful. That is a terrible thought to me to be that disappointed in myself.

Its rebellious teenage V grown up sensible me but it's really a huge inner conflict between being very ambitious and being free to drift around like a leaf on the wind...

somehow these two polar opposite characters within me need to reach an understanding and a comprimise...
help someone!!!!

 

[clharvell]

Frustrating but exciting really as I think this must be one of my major life lessons to tackle!!

 

[Rcharddashy]

Hi Q.

It is so sad and devastating when trust is abused like this, and the consequences far reaching.

From your posts it seems that it is, 'not being heard and acknowledged' that is causingmuch of your anger and resentment...and then this spills over into aspects of your life.
All people really want is to be heard..properly!
This then gives feelings of self-worth and esteem.

Your Mother wouldn't hear you about the abuse; wouldn't acknowledge this.
Your Father did the same when you asked him to stop fondling you.
The Uncle...horrible!

Living in a mess is lack of self-worth and esteem...and even though you prefer a clean and tidy space, you will not listen, will not hear yourself in realitybecause of this low self-worthiness. You believe that life has to be a continuingdrudge, and alwayshas tobe a mess that has to cleaned up; doing what others, and so yourself, only expect you should do...you have to do..... instead of doing these everydaythings through the love and want and needsof your real and grownself.
Your self-worth is still withthis rebellious and sulkyteenger who believes in drudgery and who is not being heard andacknowledged.

Acknowledge and listen to this teenager Queensmeadgirl......Be her for a while; let her live and breathe..let her Be...just for a little while..let her be heard and acknowledged....and accepted.....so that she knows that she is alive, and well,and then let her grow up.

I wish you love and blessings.

 

[Tanim]

oh Sarah thankyou you put that so well. I never have considered the prospect of just allowing the rebellious teenager to...well...rebel!!

I know she wins alot of the time but I am all the while constantly trying to beat her back down into her box all the time and squash herwhich of course is doing exactly what was done to me by other people when I really was my younger self.

I like this new anddifferent concept of letting her be and letting her grow naturally.

I will have to think on that and how I am to do it..otherwise she may cause irreparable damage!

There must be a way of doing this that is 'safe' for me and her. I feel quite excited Sarahk at this new angle...

I must have a muse and see what floats to the top....

 

[nyegkuusixjijieaq]

You know it's amazing how the phsycial body reflects the emotional body.

For years I had a stammer..the main problem was, not like some stammerers, that keep repeating a letter or a part of a word over and over and over, it was like no part of certain words would come out, like they were stuck in my throat.

It was words beginning wtih certain letters, mainly vowels I think, but if it had been ALL words I would literally 'not have been able to speak. I would have been mute'...but that was the reality I was experiencing on an emotional level. I could not speak. I am very fortunate that this stammer has, for the most part gone,

Ocassionally it surfaces but not much, but I suppose there was other fall out apart from the stammer, some of which we are now recognising.

 

[ms.prissy]

Hey guys..I think I am growing up on line!!!

Just thinking out loud about RT - I wonder if WIFM would work..What's In It For Me??

Perhaps that's the answer to bringing forward the positive of carrying out various tasks.

It's not even trickery..there ARE always postives. I suppose I just have to make sure they are as appetising as posibble to stir great enough motivation.

Little of what I felt I had to do when I younger had any reward at the end. Mostly there WAS NOTHING in it for me!

My mother didn' give me any special rewards to housework, just an amount of pocket money every week that was the same as most other kids my age, whether I did two hours housework or twenty two hours house work.

There was no reward for me keeping quiet about various things either.

 

[Duane]

Good for you...growing up on-line...well, if that's not good for you; not WIFM what is!!

A suggestion, and if you're up for it, then so am I; why don't you write and tell me/us all about this teenager of yours!!
If you prefer to PM me the full edition then that is OK.

One condition though no P's and Q's!! The more effing and jeffing the better..no holds barred!!

I worked for 2 years in a school for disturbed and abused teenage boys by the way....so I've probably heard and seen it practically all...I will not be shocked.

So, what about it eh!! And what alot of WIFM for you too.

 

[jarekmichalakkko]

oh wow SarahK! You are giving me the opportunity to be RT right now and let it all out!!!
Are you serious?? Well I am already in RT mode and fired with anticipation to tell MY story so I'm going to PM you right away before you change your mind....do you know what you have let yourself in for???? I will be as honest and open as I can..