Chat Jokes please

[BigDare88]

No TP

 

[snoopdoggie]

Don’t panic !

And plenty of milk jugs?

 

[Bigusdickus]

So I'm getting a prostate exam, which is pretty fucking embarrassing to begin with, but then the doctor says to me "please don't feel embarrassed, it's actually not unusual to get an erection during this procedure." I told him "I don't have an erection at all!!" But then the doctor told me that he did!

Did he have a hand on each of your shoulders during the procedure! !!!

 

[BigDare88]

And plenty of milk jugs?

Big jugs

 

[snoopdoggie]

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say to the clients as they leave?

Thanks for coming.

 

[therealcole]

The Onion is always a good source for light humour
The Onion

Steven Wright:
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was doing.
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, 'I think I might have written that.'
He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, 'Yes, but not right now.'
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I'm so hyper... (Said with a very dull voice)
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Four years ago... no, it was yesterday. Today I... No, that wasn't me. Sometimes I... No, I don't.
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.'
Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.
I have a map of the United States... actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6'.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it.
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

 

[cupcrazy]

There goes the hope of cheaper HE

 

[dejavu101]

 

[snoopdoggie]

The Onion is always a good source for light humour
The Onion

Steven Wright:
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was doing.
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, 'I think I might have written that.'
He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, 'Yes, but not right now.'
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I'm so hyper... (Said with a very dull voice)
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Four years ago... no, it was yesterday. Today I... No, that wasn't me. Sometimes I... No, I don't.
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.'
Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.
I have a map of the United States... actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6'.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it.
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

Awesome. This is different, and very good.
My watch is always 3 hours slow, so I guess I'll move to Vancouver. Ha ha ha hah.

I see it now. The onion is a website full of satirical twists on things going on. I never knew about this. Thanks man.

 

[SumYang_KUM]

 

[snoopdoggie]

View attachment 112193

There goes the hope of cheaper HE

Another case of scammers taking advantage of the situation. Ha ha ha ha

 

[cupcrazy]

I dont have a lot pf good jokes but i have a lot of sex memes and photos. Lets start off with this one.

If you read penis from the photo below, you have a dirty mind.

 

[BigDare88]

Hopefully it’s horny Clones that look like my fav mpa

 

[therealcole]

Lamebook

 

[Bigusdickus]

Tom Hanks survived 4 years on an island as a castaway 🏝

Spent a year in an airport without being able to leave

Caught AIDS in Philadelphia

Was in World War II and rescued Private Ryan

Went to Vietnam and saved Lieutenant Dan

Was on a boat kidnapped by Somali pirates

Survived Apollo 13 trying to reach the Moon

Landed a Boeing on the Hudson River ✈



If that son of a bitch dies of coronavirus , we are ALL done for!

 

[krayjee]

Organic face mask.

 

[snoopdoggie]

Organic face mask.

View attachment 112209

Ha ha ha ha. That's the best kind. Just don't put it in the salad bowl when you're done with it. Ha ha ha ha

 

[snoopdoggie]

Tom Hanks survived 4 years on an island as a castaway 🏝

Spent a year in an airport without being able to leave

Caught AIDS in Philadelphia

Was in World War II and rescued Private Ryan

Went to Vietnam and saved Lieutenant Dan

Was on a boat kidnapped by Somali pirates

Survived Apollo 13 trying to reach the Moon

Landed a Boeing on the Hudson River ✈



If that son of a bitch dies of coronavirus , we are ALL done for!

You think his nine lives are up? Ha ha ha ha ha.

You would think this guy's a cat, or something.

 

[snoopdoggie]

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One is a Goodyear. The other was Great year!

 

[BigDare88]

Good times lol