Make your SO happy

[Contard H. Moshiach]

And what is so wrong with a mutually beneficial symbiotic relationship?

 

[Lee2332]

CG: it's not about that at all....the key to the previous posts is relying on your partner for your happiness and giving up making yourself happy to do that. That is the pure definitioin of co-dependency. See, the thing is, if you rely on someone else for your happiness, you also will blame them when you're pissed off, horny, frigid, cold, warm, etc.

The thing the comments in this thread don't even touch on, is that a relationship is made up of 1 + 1 = 2. ONE plus ONE. Two distinct and unique individuals. If you lose that, you lose the relationship. EOS.

Using you as an example, and using Amy's "spend your life making your partner happy" you'd have to give up biking because, other than getting you out of her hair for a while lol, how does that make your wife happy? She's probably happy you do something you enjoy, get it? Something YOU enjoy. I know you'd probably like it if your wife took up the sport, but in Amy's definition, she should. She should do that because it would make you happy(ier). But in the meantime, she'd probably be miserable otherwise she would have done it by now.

I've used this example before: I dated a girl and one night at her place she was making Kraft Dinner. SHe said she puts dried mustard in it, try it. I tried it, hated it (tasted like ass) but finished up. So a while later she's making it again and I ask her to scoop mine out before putting the mustard in. What'd she do? Put it in without taking mine out....when I took a bite I said "you didn't scoop mine out"? Her answer? No, you should learn to like it because that's how I make it".

Sorry, but it tasted like ass and by the definitions put forth here, I should eat it even though it made me naseous "just because it made her happy". Sorry, that is the purest form of co-dependency. I will not do something detrimental to my health and happiness just for the sake of someone else's happiness.

Put it another way, would you FORCE your wife to have a threesome if she didn't like women? Sooner or later she'd start to resent you. By the definitions here, if a husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, wants their partner to have a bi-sexual experience, they should "just because it made their partner happy".

So, if your wife CG asked you to let a guy fuck you up the ass, would you? (just to make her happy)......I bet you wouldn't.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about sharing housework, picking up after yourself, or what would generally be called "maintenance" stuff. Stuff like seeing her parents if you really didn't like them. I'm talking about things that are "you" at your core (in your case biking) or things like letting a guy push in your stool for you. I'm talking about say you wanting to buy a Blu Ray player and her saying no because she wanted a new pair of Jimmy Choo strappy sandals......

I can't TELL you how many times I've talked to guys and women who have said "oh I can't do that without checking with _____ first" (when discussing things like buying something, or making a date to go watch the UFC or ??). Sorry, but if you have to check with your wife to see if it's ok for you to go out, it's time to have a big long talk with her and it isn't about you going out. I even heard someone say "they might have made plans" well BFD if they did? If they did and didn't tell you, then it's their fault.

See I see a relationship as a partnership. She has her life, likes, loves, habits, hobbies, etc and I have mine. We can do our own thing apart, we can do things together, and when we do things apart we come back and share our experiences with each other. A great couple I used to know used to do things apart all the time. She was really into fencing and (I forget what he liked to do). When I talked to her she said "oh I love it when he goes to ____, I have the place to myself for a few hours and he comes home happy". He said "oh I love it when she goes to fencing, I have the place to myself for a couple of hours and when she comes home all charged up she fucks my brains out".

 

[hezpod]

We are slaves to each others wants and needs so lay back or on top an enjoy.:666:
​

 

[Power of m squared]

^^^^ perfect example.......

(so if brash wanted you to have sex with a dog, you'd be all for it right???)

 

[jdm]

I'm strangely curious, yet mildly afraid, to hear the answer....

 

[X. marK.]

She said it was time to tie the knot .

 

[Suzanne L]

LMAO luv that idea!



You bet!



Huh?? You kinda confused me there. Okay lemme try and see if I can explain what I meant using your example.

Instead of thinking about buying yourself a Rolex, you'd buy her one if that's what she really wanted. And she'd buy you one instead of spending the money on a gift for herself. That way you both get what you want plus you're actually working towards making someone other than yourself happy.

In all actuality, I get a tremendous amount of pleasure making people I care for happy. And no I do not depend on them or their joy for my entire happiness. That would be suicidal. There are plenty of people that will never be happy even if you give them everything. You must first be able to choose wisely who you try to make happy. Second, you must be able to see what really would make them happy, not what would make you happy if you were them or even sometimes not what they say would make them happy. And lastly, you must be able to actually DO it. If that's too much work for you, then yep you should just stick with being by yourself.

 

[Evil Laurie :)]

No she shouldn't "do it to make him happy". She should try to learn to enjoy it too in any way she can because it IS something that gives him a lot of pleasure. And she shouldn't feel forced into it. If she didn't want to in some way, any way, share something that was such a big part of his life, then they wouldn't be together.



That's insane lol. Expecting you to like mustard in KD is absurd. I think it's sweet that you at least tried it.



If it's something that really really turns the person you're with on, yes I think you should try it. But you need to try and find something about it that turns you on too. Nobody sane wants to feel like their partner is forced into doing something they don't want for themselves.



I used to think that all couples should stay together and share and do everything together but that really is impossible for most of us and something that we just aren't equipped to handle. The key though is to want to share the experiences you had apart when you're together again. If you don't want and need that, then why bother being together? Just so you're not alone? That's really sad

 

[One and Only]

I think Amy is right. But finding that someone is difficult, and it only takes one or two very bad experiences to turn you off trying. Losing hope sucks.

 

[alohaaizzy]

THAT is what I'm talking about. Sorry ames, but just about everything else you said indicates co-dependency.

See, in the true definition of "making your SO happy" in the rolex scenario, if she bought you one, you'd sell it and buy her her Jimmy Choos. WHich is wrong on so many levels. See, many posted here that one should strive to make their SO happy. No. Negative, ixnay on the make ay. If she can't make herself or himself happy, then how the hell can you? You can't, that's the problem (or my point whichever you prefer) and trying is just going to bring YOU down not them UP.

So you think CG's wife should take up biking and learn to enjoy it. Ok, substitute having sex with a dog, or having sex with a corpse, for biking. If Guy X wants his wife to have sex with a dog, she should do it? WHOA nelly ixnay on the sexnay lol.

WHich brings me back to my point: if you have to ask, coerce, or the other person just doesn't want to do it, they shouldn't and you shouldn't ask.

See the key to the situation is: You should never do something "just to make the other happy". If you can't find enough things to do that make you both happy, together or apart, you shouldn't be together.

Once again, using the mother in law as an example, if they positively hate you, then no, you shouldn't go "just to make your partner happy". I dated a greek woman once and I sensed resentment or ill feelings towards me when I was there, and they said they didn't like me to my GF, but never to my face. One time her mother said right to my face "you're nothing, you have no say, you're not greek...." That was the last time I ever stepped across their threshold and it really bothered me that the GF would allow her mother to say that.....

See, you learn as you go along. Unfortunately I learned in my 40's as opposed to my 20's......I hate to say it but (one of many) reasons why the divorce rate is so high, and you HEAR this all the time, is that you're too busy trying to make the other person happy, just to keep the peace, that eventually, it falls apart.

See, CG and his wife have common ground, things they enjoy doing together, and things they enjoy apart which is probably why it seems like they have a great marriage. I have seen TOO many times where one party bends so often to the other's will, that they eventually break.

The KD is a perfect example of what I watch for: people who not only expect you to bend, but to bend to their way or no way. Well, it's no way TYVM....

Rawd: it didn't take 1 or 2, with me it was 5 or 10 (among other reasons) but I will tell you this: I gave up, quit, threw in the towel, stopped chasing shadows and ever since then? I have been SO at peace with myself and happy, it ought to be illegal.

I just wish MORE people would realize this sooner as opposed to later.

See, the "chase" is a fricken game and the rules are rigged to the woman's favour. Women love guys that have hope. They live off them. Now before everyone jumps on me for saying that, when women start asking men out, or approaching men 30 times a night and face rejection from every one, THEN and ONLY then will the playing field be equal......

Anyhow, back to your regularly scheduled mayhem lol......

 

[doradoe]

Precisely, but I'd like to add just one thing... while doing these things we enjoy doing apart, neither of us begrudges the other or tries to manipulate them into not doing them...

 

[Chihuahua Addict]

Remember what WIFE stands for. Thats all I ask.

 

[GODD]

Where is this true definition? And in what universe would that outcome make either person happy? :arf:



That's not what I said but ya that is kinda what I think.



IF something like that is your partner's moral code, then you should want to share it with him. If you don't, if you can't, then you're not really with him...you're not really together.



Ofcourse they shouldn't and ofcourse you shouldn't ask them to. They should want to be or even see, witness, know a part of what makes you happy without you asking.



It's not a matter of can't, it's about what one will or won't.



Wow that's just wrong. She should have been the one to step in and say something or walk out.



I agree.

 

[namy]

Exactly.......

 

[Pompal 09.]

I don't really know you nor am I a psychologist, but from your answers you do sound very much a co-dependant personality........

Being with someone doesn't mean being exactly like them, thinking exactly like them, relying on them for your happiness. I think you miss the part where a relationship is made up of two distinct individuals.....

One can have a "not my cup of tea but if it works for you, great" attitude yet not want to partake. For eg: I believe whatever happens between two consenting adults in the bedroom should be their business. Does that mean that my partner MUST MUST MUST feel the same way? NO it doesn't. My partner may like shopping for shoes, does that mean I MUST MUST MUST like it? No it doesn't. I like woodworking and cabinet making. Does that mean my wife MUST MUST MUST like it? No it doesn't.

I've used this couple as an example before: A friend of an old gf was a frou frou fashionista who looked and acted like a french runway model. She used to go for GQ model type guys and was always getting burned by them. One time after she was over lamenting on boo hoo hoo how she was burned yet again, I finally told her to try something different, go for the exact opposite of what she's been going for. So she met a contractor jeans and T shirt guy and they ended up getting married. Last time I spoke to them they had been together 12 yrs and have 2 kids. He goes bowling and drinking beer with his friends, she goes to Holt Renfrew fashion shopping with her friends. She's French and he's Sudbury English. They couldn't be more opposite if they tried yet here they are, 12 yrs together and happier than 2 pigs in a pen......

 

[Haken]

I have NO freakin idea where I said that or implied that. I'm quite obviously not explaining myself well, sorry!

 

[cheznight]

Forgot number

3. TV, the converter = SPORTS.

 

[Eon kid]

Go back to number 2.