My Joke Thread

[Stephanie41]

: Pmsl these are fookin great​

 

[Rubym]

:::::

 

[vuelyucfisoixreze]

Johnny wanted to have se.x with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...


One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me
screw you. But the girl said NO.


Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "


She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.


Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down."


So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.


Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.


She responded, "The bast.ard used coins!"

 

[yiludzpc]

This joke made me choke
if you dont get it at first re-read it...


A nurse was preparing the body of a handsom young man for his autopsy when she noticed he had died with a huge erection. She did the best she could to work around it but found herself becoming aroused by his huge erect co.ck.

After much thought she slid off her underwear and mounted the corpse and rode his erected penis. She was getting really hot and into it and began moaning loudly. This caught the attention of the head nurse. She walked into the room and to her horror found her subordinate having se.x with the corpse.

"What the hell are you doing?" she exclaimed

The nurse jumped off the body quickly and stammered.

"I was taking advantage of the situation. You should try it yourself."

The head nurse flustered blurted out.

"I couldnt do that, it’s immoral."

"Come on try it."

"Really I couldnt. Besides, I’m having my period."

"I wont tell if you wont."

After a moment she smiles and mounts the man’s hard member and starts riding. As she reaches climax the man’s eyes pop open and he gasps for breath. The head nurse jumps off scared out of her mind.

"I....I thought you were dead." She proclaims.

The man smiles and replies, I was but I needed a blood transfusion..... Thanks."

-----------------------------------------------------------

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that says "$20 for a good time."
The man says "okay" and goes up to the bartender. "I’d like to have a good
time," he says and pays the bartender $20. The bartender says, "walk
through that door in the back and it will be on the first door to your left." So
the man walks through the door and into the next and finds a giant chicken.
So he says what the hell," and fu.cks the chicken. A week later the man
walks into the same bar and sees another sign put up that says, "$40 for a
really good time." So he goes up to the bartender, pays $40 and the
bartender says "go through the door in the back, up the flight of stairs and it
will be the first door on your left." So he walks through the door, up the flight
of stairs and enters the room on the left and finds a group of people looking
at the floor. As he gets closer he sees two people having se.x. He says "This
is awesome!!!" The guy next to him turns and says yeah, you should’ve been
here last week, some guy was fu.cking a chicken.

 

[gizmo]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh.it out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

 

[ezra]

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: She is expecting triplets.
Very bad: You were sterilized five years ago.

Good: Your wife doesn't talk to you.
Bad: She wants divorce.
Very bad: She is a lawyer.

Good: Your son is growing up.
Bad: He has a relationship with a wh.ore from the neighborhood.
Very bad: Just like you.

Good: You are explaining to your daughter about birds and bees.
Bad: She interrupts you.
Very bad: And corrects you.

Good: Your son has a serious relationship.
Bad: The relationship is with a man.
Very bad: With your best friend.

Good: Your daughter has a good job.
Bad: She is a wh.ore
Very bad: She earns much more than you

 

[Pappa Smurf]

A variation of a joke you may already knoe

THE H.ORNY HIPPIE AND THE NUN

A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have se.x with him. The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the hippie, "if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have se.x with you." The hippie of course says that he'd love to know so the bus driver tells him that the every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," said the bus driver(male), "you could tell her you were God and command her to have se.x with you." Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have se.x with me first." The nun agrees but asks for anal se.x so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out,"Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!" The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting,"Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!!"

 

[Joyce B]

Whats the odd one out?
A dishwasher?
A toaster?
A washing machine?
A woman?
The toaster, all the others leak when there fu.cked

Why was Barbie pissed off at Ken
Because Ken came in another box

A man phones in at work on a monday morning and say's " Im sorry I cant come in this morning, Im sick"
Just how sick are you, The boss ask's
Well, replies the man, "Im in bed with my sister"

 

[annabellee.x]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
--------------

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

---------------

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

 

[scounnins]

I have a strong feeling this has already been posted, but I cant find it so Im posting anyway.
---------------

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "Okay, now what?"

 

[Lisa Morse]

:

:​

:​

That's a cool blonde.​

 

[gcrywego]

Another Blonde joke

There was this blonde who needed money badly. She then decides to kidnap a little boy. She finds a boy then she brings him to the playground, She explains to him that she has kidnapped him for money, then she writes a ransom note saying that she has kidnapped their son and she demanding $10,000 cash. She wants it in a brown paper bag under the pear tree in the park, The blonde signs the letter THE BLONDE!!!! She then pins the letter to the boys chest and sends him home...
The next day the blonde goes to the pear tree to find the brown bag under the tree with the $10,000 in it with a note that reads... How could you do this sort of thing to a fellow Blonde??!!

 

[Gonzo]

A Blonde joke

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.
He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded the blonde "stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!". He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"

 

[Kyle S]

Newies I got today.....
ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES….

1. Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough
money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

2. Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with
one of these magnets.

3. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and
their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office
and don’t need their picture taken. They are also very happy with
their current phone service. If you’re still with me, leave your
name and number and they will get back to you.

4. The College Special. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of
those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message.

5. If you are a burglar calling to check, then we’re probably at
home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone.
Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave us a
message.

6. Hi. I am probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like.
Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

7. You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice
patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use.
Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of
your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes.
There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff
of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future
to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for
your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound
of the tone. Thank you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

> If you ever think of trying to remember an e-mail address from memory,
> consider
> the case of an American man. He left the snow-filled streets of Chicago
> for
> a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to
> meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he
> decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. He was unable to find the scrap
> of
> paper on which he had written her e-mail address so he decided to type it
> in
> from memory.
>
> Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to
> an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day
> before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at
> the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead
> faint.
>
> At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the
> screen:
>
> Dearest Wife,
> Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
> Signed,
> Your eternally loving husband.
>
> P.S. It Sure is hot down here.

 

[Pompal 09.]

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.
She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had se.x with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned.
"You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had se.x with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."

 

[shaycos]

Jokes to offend everybody
(note- I had to take a couple out otherwise I'll probally be banned)

Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time
A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fu.cking her.

Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhea

Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cu.nt once in a while too.

Q: How can you tell a macho woman?
A: She rolls her own tampons.

Q: Why do fags like ribbed condoms?
A: Better traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
A: The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.

Q: What's the difference between acne and a Michael Jackson?
A: Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13 years old.

Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A: Marry it.

Q: What do you get when you cross two black people?
A: Your ass kicked.

Q: What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q: Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A: Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

Q: What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?
A: Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an hour.

Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded

Q: What's a mixed feeling?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q: What's the height of conceit?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q: What's the difference between oral se,x & anal se,x?
A: Oral se,x makes your day, anal se,x makes your hole weak.

Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.

Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A: You know she'll swallow.

Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and se,x education on the same day in Iraq?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.

Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q: How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.

Q: Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe se,x?
A: They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.

Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.

 

[goo_head_83]

lol lol............

 

[X Casual X]

:lmao:

Tres bien!

I lol'd loudly at the ginger one.

I'll rep you when I can/remember.

 

[nicki_baby]

lol some of those are good hun ... :

 

[crystal-claire]

Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future either.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is air a lot like ***?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.