Newies I got today.....
ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGESโฆ.
1. Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didnโt lend me enough
money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, donโt worry, I have plenty of money.
2. Hi! Johnโs answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and Iโll stick your message to myself with
one of these magnets.
3. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and
their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office
and donโt need their picture taken. They are also very happy with
their current phone service. If youโre still with me, leave your
name and number and they will get back to you.
4. The College Special. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of
those reasons is why weโre not here. So leave a message.
5. If you are a burglar calling to check, then weโre probably at
home cleaning our weapons right now and canโt come to the phone.
Otherwise, we probably arenโt home and itโs safe to leave us a
message.
6. Hi. I am probably home, Iโm just avoiding someone I donโt like.
Leave me a message, and if I donโt call back, itโs you.
7. You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice
patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use.
Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of
your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes.
There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff
of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future
to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for
your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound
of the tone. Thank you.
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> If you ever think of trying to remember an e-mail address from memory,
> consider
> the case of an American man. He left the snow-filled streets of Chicago
> for
> a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to
> meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he
> decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. He was unable to find the scrap
> of
> paper on which he had written her e-mail address so he decided to type it
> in
> from memory.
>
> Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to
> an elderly preacherโs wife, whose husband had passed away only the day
> before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at
> the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead
> faint.
>
> At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the
> screen:
>
> Dearest Wife,
> Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
> Signed,
> Your eternally loving husband.
>
> P.S. It Sure is hot down here.