Sex With SO

[harmonograph]

It is significant, but sustainable enough until the kids are out of the house. That's the point I'll have the leisure to re-evaluate. We've been like this for the 17 years so I'm pretty sure it's not going to change. Yes we've talked (read argued) about our sex life or lack of it but to no avail.
My own version of the O-Ranch would be wonderful I'm sure, but it will have to remain just a dream.



I won't write a novella on my marriage... I'll just leave it as I've tried everything I can for 17 years. Sex was never a priority with her, and it still isn't... nor will it ever likely be. I knew this when I married her as we had already had fights about it back in the beginning. I married her hoping that it would change, I should have known better so I've no one to blame but myself. This is the bed I made.

The upside is my 2 wonderful children, wouldn't give them up for the world. She's a great mother to the kids and we mostly get along well. The bigger picture dictates to me that I suck it up and soldier on. Every so often, I get a bit of sugar coating... one or two hours at a time.

 

[*hey*[:]

Do you both find each other attractive. Did you stop caring about your appearances. Do you take each other for granted?.

 

[Pompal 09.]

Kind of an important part of your puzzle, although I don't see why all the blame should fall on you. You didn't get married by yourself, and it was an issue you were both aware of.

I think it happens a lot, people underestimating the importance of sexual compatibility. Some people want sex all the time, some rarely, some never....it's all okay, but it matters if partners are around the same level.

What would happen if she wanted to get laid and you turned her down? I mean if everyone's just going through the motions, would it matter to her?

 

[Destiny & Kaylee]

This would mean that a woman had to make the first move and we ALL know the only women who do that are SP's......

If and that's a mighty huge IF, she made the first move, she'd probably feel devistated and never make the first move ever again. In addition, she'd probably lay it all out to all her girlfriends about what an asshole her husband is.....never considering for one second that she probably did it to him 1,000s of times......

Most of the "blame" lies with him because he knew this going into the marriage. Hence really, he shouldn't really be complaining about it now. But really this isn't any different than the women who complain about their husband's habits that they knew about before the wedding. This is one of the reasons I think people are a little indoctrinated about getting married. So many go through with it knowing that there are some major issues with their spouse.......

This is a good example: A couple (who aren't together any longer) I knew and I went to a popular nightclub one night. He was Mr Popular and the biggest flirt on the planet. He was off doing what he does best and she was F U M I N G and started to bitch at me about him. I finally couldn't take it any longer and laid into her: you KNEW he was like this before you even met so WHY on earth do you think he'd be any different with YOU?????? I mean, THOSE were the very traits that attracted you to him so you have NO right to bitch about them now.....

 

[nazchik]

Perhaps if no woman has ever made the first move with you, that says more about you than it does about all women. :roll:

You seem to have no problem painting all women with the same brush, Tboy. That would be like me saying "all men are selfish cheating neanderthal inconsiderate selfish ballscratching cheating lying selfish assholes".

That's not true, and it wouldn't be fair for me to believe it is. Although I admit the thought does occasionally cross my mind.

ok, I do believe the ballscratching part is true. :tongue:

 

[PF32]

Once again SG, bang on, but sometimes you just have to scratch um 'cause they itch or they're just not dressed right or left, whichever.

 

[Italian girl]

And ?

What's your point ?

:go:

 

[Hayden G]

See? this is a perfect example of how a man dares to state the obvious about most women, and on ONE subject I might add, then she turns it around to be about ME.

For the record Silly, I have been at this for 40 yrs, and in that time twice has a woman made the first move with me (stranger or gf). Also in the past 20 yrs I've asked just about every woman I meet: would you ever approach a man or make the first move? of about 300, ONE said no. The rest? To a one said HELL yeah.

The next question? Have you ever made the first move? So far I have yet to find a woman that answered yes to that second question....

Oh, and for the record? Making the first move isn't walking into the garage while he's changing the oil in the car at 9 oclock and saying "coming to bed"?????



No it's not the same in the least. I pointed out one issue that most if not all married couples have and you come back with the above. And since you had trouble reading, I specifically said in a marriage, NOT all women and not all marriages, and I specifically said in those that I've encountered.....what part of that don't you understand?????

I have a challenge for you: find me 10 scientific studies that show the vast majority of sexually related problems in a marriage are because the MAN doesn't want sex, and I'll find and link to 1,000 that show it is because the woman doesn't want sex.

Sorry, you can turn it around in your mind all you want but the fact of the matter is: In the majority of cases where no sex occurs in a marriage or relationship, it is because the woman no longer is interested.

If the opposite is true, please explain why there aren't just as many male escorts as female?

 

[sweet_sunshine]

What he said.

 

[mchell]

Ok...perhaps it would be helpful if we were to clarify what we mean by "making the first move". Because I thought we were talking about sexually, in the confines of a longterm relationship. Apparently you are also including just approaching a strange man, which is not the situation I was talking about at all when I was snippy to you...sorry.



When you said that in response to my question to the OP about just turning his SO down, I thought you were implying that only an SP would make the first move, sexually, with a man. Apparently you're right, my reading skills must be very poor.

You do have another point...there are women who slip on the ring and think they never have to give head again. There are men who slip on the ring and think they don't have to remember her birthday anymore. All of these people are stupid, because no one likes being taken for granted. It's like they think the wedding is the big goal, the big score, when in fact it's just the first round of a long complicated match.

"the hunt is over" is a very dangerous mindset in a LTR.

Sometimes, like the OP, people are just mismatched. They think they can live with it at the beginning, think other things will balance it out, but how can they possibly know how hard it will be as the decades pass? They can't, no one could.

 

[Freeeeezing !]

I meant making the first move in every sense. Sexually in an LTR, with a stranger, or just approaching a man in general....

Tell me: in all the times you've had sex, how many times have YOU intiated the act? In all the dates you've been on, how many times was it YOU who asked HIM out?

Back to the topic at hand however:

To the OP:

When you first started dating your wife, did you two have an active sex life?

 

[Benz5567]

Threesome wit an SP. Just say she is a therapist.

 

[BeBE Banks]

I'm in decent shape still, she's put on a bit of weight over the years, but I like a bit of cushion. We probably do take each other for granted a bit, but nothing over the top. The majority of the relationship is fine... it's always just been the lack of sex.



I am by no means complaining about it. I just started this thread as an observation. Indeed I made my own bed and am lying in it now.



SG hits the spot on this one. I was naive enough back in the day that I thought it would improve and idealistic enough that I thought it wouldn't matter.



Very active, right up until we moved in together and we got engaged. Shortly after that it started to drop off.

Bottom line - Classic "If I knew then what I know today"... Strictly on a sex and marriage basis I probably wouldn't have gone through with it. HOWEVER... as soon as my first child was born, being a father took priority above anything else. If I didn't get married to my wife, I would never have had the same kids I have now, so knowing this... I'd still go through with it. I've adapted now... I hobby to fill in that gap.