What does it mean?

[Billieann]

He is trying, he's spending a lot more time the kids and me and he threw me a surprise birthday party and bougt me really thoughtful christmas and birthday presents. Mostly it's the time 'tho...we've spent more time together in the last couple of months than we had in the last couple of years. He is also putting up with my rants when I get angry about his infidelity (yes, I do have anger issues I have to deal with). I think we are equally making efforts to make things better. I guess that should be enough of an answer to my question but I guess I've become a very insecure person since all this happened.
As far as the other options, I've made sure she won't have anything to do with him anymore by letting her know he told me EVERYTHING about her....she can't trust him and I threatened to leave messages at her work if she EVER contacts my husband again. She knows I'll do it 'cause I already contacted her cousin and told him what a whore she is. She knew he was married and didn't care, he's not the first married man she's been with and one of the previous was her friends husband...she was in their wedding party. She also knows I know where her home and work are so I don't think she'll be an available option. LOL

 

[stuckinthemud]

Just to play devil's advocate for a minute. Do you think he is putting up with your rants because he is no longer interested in the other woman and wants to come back to his comfort zone.

 

[Heather D]

That has crossed my mind but I don't think so. I got him to dump her (long story) and it took over a month for him to decide if he wanted to be with me. When I've asked him he says he does miss her a bit (even 'tho he knows it hurts me to hear it). I think if I hadn't intervened and was happy to be rid of him he'd still be with her. It would have never gone anywhere 'cause I know (and he thinks) that she was sleeping with at least one other married guy while with my husband. I don't think she was ever much more than an ongoing one night stand to him. He was never going to introduce her to his family or friends and the friends he knew of hers they were keeping it a secret from.

 

[SalemC]

Wow kefrm, sounds like a lot of drama. It must be a painful thing to go through. I hope it all works out for you. Keep your guard up and eyes open.

 

[Cody M]

It has been a lot of drama and possibly the hardest few months of my life. It is getting better and slowly over time I'm hoping the feelings of betrayal and distrust can go away but for now I am keeping my eyes and ears open. I check his phone records regularly to see if he's sending or receiving any texts from her (he knows I'm doing this) and I've already told him if he goes near her place to go fishing I will be meeting him at the launch sometimes without warning to see if she shows up there or if she's out with him. I've also told him that I can't live with him being friends with 2 of his fishing buddies since one is her cousin and the other is a friend who's girlfriend works and parties with her (that's how they first met). He's only been friends with these two for a short time (less than 2 years) so he's got a choice to make...me or them. At first he said no but after thinking about it he says he's considering it. That is a deal breaker for me 'cause if he's fishing with them there's always a chance he'll run into her again but if he stops fishing with them he won't 'cause she lives almost an hour away.

Thanks for the well wishes and I'm sure it will work out for the best. I just don't know yet if that's staying together or not. For now we try and next fall we make a decision because I decided we couldn't make a lifelong decision (breaking up). We were both too confused and there was too much hurt and anger.

I'm sorry, am I boring all of you with all this nonsense? I guess I just don't feel like I can discuss this with any family or friends 'cause they'll just think I'm nuts going through all this still and not just dumping him. LOL

 

[Un Chin C]

Not boring at all, far from it. Feel free to use us as a sounding board to sort out the thoughts going through your mind.

We can't say if your method of keeping him on a short lease will work, all guys are different in their response to something like this. So far he's doing well in mending the marriage, perhaps not giving you enough assurances but as long as you're both communicating and being honest that counts for a lot.
The trust might not ever come back 100%, there will probably always be scars but hopefully things will continue to improve.

 

[JustJules]

This may come out harsh and I don't mean it to be, but, your example is indicative of the problems in a lot of M/F relationships. The F feels that the guy should think and answer the way she would and isn't happy if he doesn't.

Sorry, but that's the way YOU would answer. To expect him to answer the exact same way, or to give you the answer you were fishing for, is unreasonable IMO.

Call me crazy but if you're been involved for 14 yrs, and haven't come to any sort of resolution by now, I hate to say it but I don't think you ever will. I mean really, 14 years? I could understand a year or two......

Wait, I think I missed something, he cheated on you? and you took him back? and you're checking his texts and voice messages to see if she's contacted him?

Holy crap.....HOLY crap.......

I agree with your family, wtf are you doing having anything to do with him other than a platonic relationship for the kids??????

 

[link]

Thanks Auggie, I guess I'm also using this board to vent a bit rather than talk to him more than necessary...I don't want to constantly be bringing it up and starting fights or reminding him of her and making him miss her even more than he already does.
I'm hoping the trust will eventually come back 'cause to be honest the marriage was rocky before this happened and that was both our faults. If we can work on it and make ourselves and eachother happy maybe in time the trust will return because the problems are gone. (not to take blame for the cheating, just for the unhappiness that led to a really bad decision on his part).

 

[louise d]

The problems only began in the last year or two and the cheating was for 3 months this summer. So, we've only been trying to resolve them for a couple of months.

I never expected him to answer the way I would have, I just didnt expect him to answer the way he did. I just didnt understand it because there are several ways to interpret his words. I just meant I would have been clearer with my answer so there would be no misunderstanding. And, it threw me because I thought he was happy and was sure about us now and was just looking for reassurance because I have become very insecure in our relationship since he cheated (and I think rightfully so).
Nothing is black and white. If there wern't kids involved I would have left him immediatly. I'm not staying "for the kids" but I'm taking my time in deciding what to do "for the kids". If I'm not happy by the end of the year I will be leaving him but I decided our family deserved a chance to recover or at least to get over the initial feelings before leaving for good. I'm still confused and I don't think the state I'm in is the time to make such a decision that I may regret later. I did kick him out initially and he was told by a lawyer that he didn't have to leave the house so he moved into our basement apt. It was a couple of months living like that before I decided to give us another chance. I'm not a doormat and he knows this isn't easy for me and that he wouldn't get away with it again.

Also I'm not snooping behind his back, he knows I check the phone to make sure. It reassures me. I don't really think he will contact her again as the last time she texted him he just ignored her and he told me the same day that she had so there was nothing secret going on there. I'm doing whatever I can to put my own mind at ease and he's being totally open with me and not getting angry at the checking. My family is supportive of our decision to try again. They all know that if it can work out and we can be happy it would be the best for all of us. It's the suffering I'm still going through that they wouldn't like. I don't talk to them about the situation any longer partly because I don't want them worrying about me and feeling hurt themselves. I'm sure they know it's still not easy for me but they just don't know the extent of pain I'm feeling every day.

 

[bender_xr217]

I have to agree with some of Tboy's points. Many women think that they can change a man. Sadly that is not true.

If you keep checking his texts and voice messages means you don't trust him and it ain't a way to live a peaceful life.

 

[FireFop]

:: + 1

 

[Karrie Shmarrie <3]

well now

I like drama as much as the next person.

He said/I said stories are just.

Ask yourself this. When you find a quarter on the street do you just pick it up and assume it is a quarter or do you turn it over and make sure?

You see every argument is like a coin and it has two sides.

When you have only one side you ya can not be sure if it is real.

 

[yummymummy2be]

kefrm, I still think getting a sex swing for your bedroom might be a good way to bring fun back into your relationship.

 

[eternalshadow37]

No it isn't a way to live but it is a tool to get me through the initial period until I can start to feel a bit of security again. I'm already checking the texts less often than I used to and I'm hoping I'll be able to stop all together soon. I don't like feeling like I have to do that. If not than I'll have my answer to if it can work or not.
I have never tried to change anyone and never dreamed I could change him. He changed this summer. I hope that repairing our relationship can make him the husband he was for the first 13 years or so. His unhappiness and meeting her are what changed him. If he can be happy at home again then he won't be doing the things he did recently. If I didn't like who he was I would never have gotten involved with him in the first place.

 

[erika:)]

LOL truth is the bedroom is the one place we've never had any problems until he visited hers!

 

[Zkjfg Z]

I disagree, women make men better people. It's a subtle thing though, when it works best he won't know he's being trained.

 

[ggaryusa]

I agree to a certain extent. I wouldn't call it training and I don't think trying to change someone is reasonable or smart. It can't be done. But, people change naturally and being in a relationship always changes you in some ways. But, it changes both people. He went from renting a room in someone's house and partying with friends whenever he could to owning a house and being a father. He used to work for someone else and now he's self employed. Did I change him? No but, he changed partly because he was with me. He never wanted a house before he met me and he couldn't have afforded to quit a job and start a business if I wasn't with him and working full time to support us. I used to work 2-3 jobs at a time and now I'm a stay at home mom.
Some changes are growing up and some are because of the other person but none are concience attempts at changing the other person.

 

[Candy B]

Cannot disagree with your points. It helps to be/have a strong, responsible and caring woman by your side. BUT a woman CANNOT change who you are.

 

[iCheer86]

Here's some responses:
1) The relationship was rocky before the affair. IMO that is one more reason to ask: wtf are you doing with him?
2) Owning a home, self-employed, father vs living in his parent's basement. Well, we're talking 14 yrs ago. If he's in his 40's now, that means he was around 26 then. It really isn't a fair comparison because at 26, most people, including women, are still kids.
3) Women making men better: sorry, I couldn't disagree more. Maybe SOME men respond well with the right woman by his side, but I get in shit all the time for blanket statements like this and it's auggie's turn. I've seen too many women drag guys down to their level via manipulation (unplanned preganancy) etc. Ever heard the term: drove him to drink? I've met quite a few women like this and not to rehash old news but I can imagine our Blissful is one of these women.
4) CHecking up on him as a tool: well, I'm no shrink but I can say honestly that this is NOT a tool, but a symptom of a dysfunctional relationship.

Sorry, kids, no kids, whatever, you shouldn't walk to the nearest exit, you should run..........

 

[honey112]

I had a girl friend for years and we always said we would be together for forever. I think that was a mistake because it didn't work out.

Now if a girl asked me that question and I cared about her. I would say "I hope so". I think he is being a realist.

I wouldn't over think it!