Chat Jokes please

[loves to lick]

Two Truths and 5 Rules of Life

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:

Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However, after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2:

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats."
But, none of them comes up to the man - touch his penis and say, "Good job"
Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole's name.
3 If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.
5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

BONUS RULE:

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex ! !
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

I think all politicians should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors!

Also, all politicians should serve only two terms, one term in office and one term in jail

 

[cupcrazy]

 

[snoopdoggie]

View attachment 120890

The baby is wearing glasses. Lol.

 

[Hornet]

Q: What’ the difference between the G-spot and a golf ball?
A: A man will actually search for a golf ball.

 

[loves to lick]

 

[LittleCarrot]

 

[Hornet]

England is experiencing a hard rain

 

[loves to lick]

 

[BmH6769]

Dope beats!!!

 

[BmH6769]

 

[snoopdoggie]

View attachment 121183

I guess that's why they have so many visitors. I didn't know the people there were so much fun.

 

[snoopdoggie]

View attachment 121019

Yeah and I guess they don't mind how thin it is either. Ha ha ha.

 

[loves to lick]

Dont be a prude, this is darn funny!

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies.

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

 

[BigDare88]

 

[loves to lick]

This is what marriage is really all about"!

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries
and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain
hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one
half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out
the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly
placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then
set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his
few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept
looking over and whispering.

You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple
all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to
the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the
old couple. The old man said they were just fine they
were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't
eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and
occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him
buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said
"No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly
with the napkin, the young man again came over to the
little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and
asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered...
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
THE TEETH."

 

[cupcrazy]

 

[cupcrazy]

 

[snoopdoggie]

View attachment 121407

Holy Toledo. I love that one.

 

[BigDare88]

 

[loves to lick]