Mitch Hedberg Quotes - Updated daily till I run out of his quotes

[Hypocorism]

Dear Mrs. hendberg

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in minesotta is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your

husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,” Code 3" in house wares... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the House wares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look” using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

Yours sincerely,

Charles Brown

Store Manager

 

[Rhalina Fassett]

;2572011']I like escolators because they never break they only become stairs. You dont see a "escolator temporarily out of order" sign
Only a escolator temporarily stairs. sorry for the convenience

 

[alisagoa]

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" I'd like to see a forklift lifting a crate of forks...

It would be so d@mn literal. " Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)
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[bizgot]

"I think they could take sesame seeds off the market, and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine five years from now saying, "Damn, remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!" They're gonna have to change that McDonald's song, "Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a ... bun." How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? Thats ****ing magical! There's got to be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Take the sesame seed out, remove the backing, place it on the bun. Now your bun will look spectacular! What does a sesame seed grow into? I dunno, we never give them a chance. What the **** is a sesame? It's a street. It's a way to open... ****"

 

[Mr Wolf]

haha keep em coming

 

[cumu2me4fun]

Good for you.

*gives you a cookie*​

" I make instant oatmeal in the morning then I don't do anything for an hour.

Makes me wonder why I need the instant oatmeal.

I could make the regular oatmeal and feel productive. " Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)​

 

[Ham and Cucumber]

Yes.

But you have to start a thread about it.​

" I want to hang a map of the world in my house.

And then I'll put pins into all the locations I have traveled to...

But first, I'll have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down. " Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)

​

 

[zterwuvoigwipoehx]

I dont get any of the jokes...

 

[cassarole]

I love this thread!!
:clap
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[fruitytuttytutty]

this one made me snort soda out my nose the first time...it just sucker punched me...

"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."







Can we do Lewis Black next???

 

[xlxleahxlx]

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I love that one.

" I got an ant farm, them fellas didn't grow sh!t! " Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)​

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[ufcbetting]

i dunno if this one has been posted, to lazy to go read them all.

"I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. An escalator can only turn in to stairs. That's why you never see an "escalator temporarily out of order" sign on an escalator. If they were going to make one, it would be "escalator temprarily stairs" - "sorry for the convenience".

 

[Passion (is sick)]

Mitch's spirit is thanking you right now; I'm sure of it.

" I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

" What's a giraffe taste like? "

"A hippopotamus! I had 'em back-to-back!" Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)
​

 

[Rick A]

I thought that maybe one of 2 people would like to see his stand up for themselves...

http://tv-links.co.uk/show.do/1/2131

NOT a download... enjoy!!

 

[Idle Chitchat]

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I posted that one before, but you completed it till the very end ; yours is more valid .

" I saw a human pyramid once.

It was very unnecessary.

It did not need to exist. " Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)​

 

[Angelic Marie From Hell]

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That one is new to me.

" Last week I helped my friend stay put.

It's a lot easier than helping someone move.

I just went over to his house and made sure he did not start to load sh!t into a truck. " Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)
​

 

[Meo Latio]

the following only second to his bit about the baked potato....

"In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smackie the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. I think that's a better system. I think we should adopt it, because bears can be mean; when you see a bear, you say, "Oh no, here comes a bear! Run!" When you see a frog, you don't say, "Oh no, here comes a frog! Run!" You say it more delighted: "Look, here comes a frog. I hope it comes next to me, so I can pet it, and put it inside of this mayonnaise jar with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he's used to."

 

[Scream Your Secrets]

;2561606']There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this." Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. "Think like a cactus!"

Rofl. I like that one alot too

 

[NYC4LIFE]

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" It's weird...

People say they're not like apes...

Now how do you explain football then? " Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)​

 

[proud_mommy]

;2560099']This is my favorite one of all time.

A commercial says “You can have this product for four easy payments for $19.95”. I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments, and one fuckin' complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch

The envelope will not seal,
the mailman will get shot to death,
and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination.

Good luck, fucker!


The last payment must be made in wampum