Mitch Hedberg Quotes - Updated daily till I run out of his quotes

[affedywhare]

:


"I opened up a yogurt container, and underneath the lid it said "please try again" because they were having a contest I was unaware of...

But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong...

Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me...

"Come on Mitchel, don't give up, please try again!

A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait...

Fruit on Bottom, Hope on top." - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)​

 

[majeed3245]

LMAOoooooooooo I would of tried to .....probably would of got the dang zipper off course :

 

[shonu]

"I went camping once, and got into an argument with a girl friend in the tent...

This is a really bad place to get in an argument, because I walked out and attempted to "slam the flap."

How are you supposed to express your anger in this type of situation?

Zipper it up really quick?" - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)

 

[linkexchangee-paczka3]

"Some songs have a special meaning for man in regards to a woman...

But this can backfire because maybe the song had a deeper meaning to begin with and now it's been cheapened...

"We are the world/We are the children/We are the ones who make a better life/So let's keep on giving...

Remember that song baby?

The night I phucked you in the pet cemetery?" - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)

 

[phatdog]

"Xylophone is spelled with an X...

It should be a Z...

Next time you spell Xylophone, spell it with a Z...

If someone tells you that you're wrong, say "No, I'm not...

If you think that's wrong then you need to get your head Z-Rayed."

It's like X didn't have enough to do so they had to promise it more...

"Okay, you won't start a lot of words, but you will have a co-starring role in Tic-Tac-Toe...

And you will be equated with hugs and kisses...

And you will mark the spot...

And you will make writing 'Christmas' easier.

And you will accidentally start 'xylophone'...

Are you happy now, you phucking X?" - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)

 

[Mister B]

:

LMAOoooooooooo I love it!!!!

 

[Cory]

"I'm not good at golf..

I never got a hole in one...

But I did hit a guy...

And that's way more satisfying...

You're supposed to yell "Fore", but I was too busy mumbling "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him." - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)

 

[erqoxle]

Luckily for you, I think it likes you back just as much.​

"I want to be a race car passenger...

Just a guy who bugs the driver...

"Say, man, can I turn on the radio?"

"You should slow down."

"Why do we gotta keep going in circles?"

"You really like Tide." - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)

 

[Sarv]

I like the above one alot​

 

[Confusedconfusedconfused]

I'm glad then :shock1:​

"I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry because I like loud music...

So when he knocked on the wall I'd mess with his head...

I'd say: "Go around! I can not open the wall...

I don't know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there's nothing...

It's just flat." - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)

 

[Lawrence Schmitt]

PMSL!!! :clap

Never heard of this guy to be honest ...but I like him now!! :

​

 

[Hannahtater]

"I like the FedEx driver, because he's a drug dealer and he does not even know it...

And he's always on time" - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)

 

[Controlled Enthusiasm? .]

"You know, there's a fishing show on TV...

They catch the fish, but they let it go...

They don't want to eat the fish, but they do want to make it late for
something." Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)

 

[Casey Jane]

:lmao: One of my favorite comedians. R.I.P Dude.

 

[d3bates]

"I love blackjack...

But I'm not addicted to gambling...

I'm addicted to sitting in a semicircle." - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)

 

[gsnqbpai]

more more more.

 

[lagma]

"I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy." - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)

 

[ed031639]

"In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative...

They have Smackie the Frog...

It's just like a bear, but it's a frog...

I think that's a better system...

I think we should adopt it...

Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool...

Never has there been a frog hoppin' towards me and I thought, 'Man, I better play dead... Here comes that frog!'' - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)

 

[Ferretlover]

"When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufrenes, party of two, table ready for Dufrenes, party of two."

And if no one answers they'll say the name again: "Dufrenes, party of two."

But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. "Bush, party of three."

Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes?

No one seems to care...

Who can eat at a time like this?

People are missing...

You people are selfish...

The Dufrenes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths...

And they're hungry...

That's a double whammy...

We need help...

"Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufrenes." - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)

 

[FaithM]

"I hate turtlenecks...

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy...

All day...

Like, if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down." - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)