Mitch Hedberg Quotes - Updated daily till I run out of his quotes

[lbmkjnen]

" I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work.

I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble...

But as soon as the gum lost its flavor...

I was back to pondering my mortality. " - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)​

 

[pvuomjty]

Thats my favorite :lmao:

 

[s??nn? ??n? ?ous?]

" My manager was concerned, he said " Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch "

I can't use liquor as a crutch... Because a crutch helps me walk.

Liquor severely screws up the way I walk.

It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see. " Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)​

 

[jiggly wiggly]

:

That was random and lovely.

" Like, we had a refrigerator with a hard-boiled egg inside, after a few days the shell started to crack...

My roommate's first comment was " man, this guy's a survivor! " - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)


​

 

[Cici <33]

Mick n Paddy r readin headstones in a churchyard. Mick says "*** theres a bloke here who was 152." Paddy says "Bejesus wot was his name ?" Mick says "Miles from London." :lmao: thought id share that with u

 

[lanell]

" I get the Reese's candy bar, right...

If you read that name, Reese's, that's an "apostrophe s" on the end of that name.

That means the candy bar is his.

I didn't know that.

Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar and a guy named Reese comes by and says "let me have that", you better hand it over.

"I'm sorry Reese, I didn't think I'd ever run into you. " - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)​

 

[DanielCude]

" I'm an Ice sculptor...

last night I made a cube. " - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)​

 

[empokssmalp]

"When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light...

And I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns." - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)​

 

[Leka.D]

" I saw this wino, he was eating grapes.

I was like...

" dude...

You have to wait. " - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)​

 

[Nathaniel Mckinney]

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

 

[vauidpfv]

haha the first one i heard was about a squirrel i think.
no, no. it definetly that tennis with the wall one

 

[The Beckster]

The following is the first one that I ever knew by him...

"I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others." - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)
​

 

[Adie - Mexangl716]

i forgot that one too :

 

[numnAdjurne]

:

I forgot about that one...


"I use the word totally too much...

I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning...

"Mitch, do you like submarine sandwiches?"

"All-encompassingly..." - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)​

 

[O_o]

"Next time i move, i want to get an easy phone number. like 222-2222
one of my friends would be like, Mitch, how do i get a hold of you? and i will say just press 2 alot. when you hear someone talk, you will know you pressed 2 enough."

haha that one is awesome

 

[Rusty Tonka]

:

That one is too funny...

Mitch Hedberg died on March 30th, but his website did not update his death till April 1st...

And most that have seen it, including myself, thought it was an 'April Fools' Joke...

I didn't really know about it till maybe a year later.


"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much you play, you'll never be as good as a wall...

I played a wall once...

They're phucking relentless." - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)
​

 

[Balasubrahmanyam]

"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. 'Damn it, Otto, you're an alcoholic.' 'Damn it, Otto, you have lupus.' One of those two doesn't sound right."

I had no idea this guy died.

 

[Sainfanise]

"I hate dreaming, because when you wanna sleep, you wanna sleep...

Dreaming is work...

Like there I am, laying in my comfortable bed in my hotel room...

Next thing I know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord." - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)​

 

[ommlxzos]

"You know when you go to a concert like punk-rock and the kids get on stage and they jump into the crowd...

People think that's dangerous, but not me...

Because humans are made of 95% water, so the audience is 5% away from a pool" - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)​

 

[cfejauccisjisrewp]

"I like the hot tubs at the hotels...

I like to go there when there's a guy in there already, I say "hey man, you mind if I join you?"

He says no...

Then I go and I turn the whirlpool heat up...

Then I go by and I add some carrots and onions...

Then I say "hey man, just simmer for a while - I mean, sit there." - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)​