Mitch Hedberg Quotes - Updated daily till I run out of his quotes

[Meaux]

"I think Pizza Hut is the ©ockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitors' coupons...

That makes me wish I had my own pizza place...

"Mitch's Pizzeria ... This week's coupon: unlimited free pizza...

Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations...

Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke...

Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free." - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)​

 

[~He calls me MOMMY~]

LMFGDAO!!!!
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[Isebel]

Don't make me guess what the censored word is; it might not go well.

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"A waffle is like a pancake with syrup traps." - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)​

 

[Pompal 09.]

LMFAO hell yeah brah, why did he have to die. have you ever thought about what his **** would be like if he was still alive?

 

[haleybear]

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"Spaghetti...

I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them...

No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many." - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)​

 

[coolkid8989]

Rice is good when your hungry and want four thousand of something :sly:

 

[ygelphoh]

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it." - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)​

 

[cloveryer]

:

That's a good one too.


"My lucky number is 'Four Billion'...

That does not come in handy when you are gambling...

"Come on 'Four Billion'...

Phuck! a Seven!

Not even close...

I need more dice" - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)​

 

[JudyIsAPunk]

LMFAO yeah dude i love that one too. i like the one he made about kinko's :

 

[tfezhuubiunidhexp]

:

I can't think of a favorite; all of them were funny to me, even when he phucked the jokes up...


"A guy told me that he likes cherry...

And i waited to see if he was going to say tomatoes...

Before i realized he likes cherries just as... Alright, that joke is ridiculous...

It's like a carbon copy of the previous joke...

With different ingredients...

I don't know what i was trying to pull off there." - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)​

 

[Total Sweetness]

Lmfao yea man thats my favorite one. but the giraffe one is funny too

 

[Pompal 09.]

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"I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat." - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)​

 

[gtejkujqiupibzemy]

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Nice 'chest hair' you got there *insert 'Ooh la la' emote here*


"They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime...

But I tried to make it at home and there's more to it than that...

"Want some more homemade Sprite?"

"Not till you figure out what the phuck else is in it" - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)​

 

[wtaafble]

well i will help you man, because this man was the greatest comedian to ever live, i might get it a little wrong but here is my favorite one

" I dont understand why they call corn on the cob corn on the cob, i think every other variation should be called corn off the cob. It's not like your going to cut my arm off and call it Mitch, then sew it back on and call it Mitch All Together." Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)

 

[trezsunjiufijoehx]

i only know two yo mammma jokes
yo momma so fat if she was a brick,shed be a project!


and yo momma so skinny she can hula hoop thru a cheerio !



illl stick to flashing : :

 

[_sTepH_]

"If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be phucked up." - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)​

 

[Kaz]

"Fish are always eating other fish...

If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as phuck." - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)​

 

[sephienie]

There is no 'technically' about it, you loon; he is the legend.

:shock1:


"This shirt is "dry-clean only", which means it's dirty." - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)​

 

[webbster]

PMSL!! :

Ya lil legend Blah!! lmao Oh wait hes the dead guy right!! Technically doesnt that make him the legend :hmm:
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[Gerry D]

"Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine." - Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)​